Sunday, September 26, 2010


Sunday, Sept 26, 2010

Br: raw cacao banana shake, yum

: 1 slice whole wheat bread, butter

: 1 good salad with nutritional yeast, dressing and tomato and 1 very small homemade pizza (1 Indian Nan bread, homemade tomato sauce, homegrown organic basil/cherry tomato/red pepper, onion, organic parmesan cheese, organic spinach, herb infused olive oil, fresh lemon juice).

DIVINE! Divine to eat well, not necessarily raw, but deliciously homegrown and mostly organic, and made, and eaten with LOVE. This is what kills the binge eating for me.

Dn: At the rehab with mom - scoop of tuna salad, crackers, lettuce, onion, tomato, social tea biscuits for dessert

Sn: Greek yogurt, agave and fresh blueberries

Later: 1 bag of rice chips, 1 muffin, 1 pack of baked tofu, 3 slices bread w/butter

~ ~ ~ ~

confidence [ˈkɒnfɪdəns]
1. a feeling of trust in a person or thing
2. belief in one's own abilities; self-assurance
3. trust or a trustful relationship take me into your confidence
4. something confided or entrusted; secret

CONFIDENCE: A feeling of trust in a person and a belief in one's own abilities. A feeling of self assurance.

Wow. Confidence. Confidence is GREAT.

~ ~ ~ ~

I usually suffer from a TERRIBLE lack of confidence. I have my WHOLE life.

~ ~ ~ ~

The other day I received such a gift at my singing lesson. My teacher got up from the piano bench mid-lesson, came over to me, took my hand lovingly in hers, and said, "Michelle, my dear, you are SO confident now. What a remarkable change. I did not know what i was going to do with you. Honestly, you seemed like you were getting worse. And, now, look at you, listen to you! You're incorporating everything i've been teaching you, you sound incredible, and you're so confident. This is your best lesson. Brava!"

Did THAT ever feel good!

~ ~ ~ ~

Where do we get CONFIDENCE from? I'm Thinking alot about the HS Reunion.

From how we LOOK?

Or from how we FEEL?

I'm just asking myself questions.

Do i have to lose weight to feel good about ME for the reunion?

Or does feeling good come from some internal place of self-assurance, a belief in myself, in my inherent goodness and pride in my abilities, irregardless of how much I weigh?? Am i OKAY the way i am?

~ ~ ~

I think I'll lose weight eventually doing the work i'm doing.

Do i have to go on a diet or back on 811 to lose it all TODAY for the reunion?

....Or should i stay the course and just have PATIENCE?

It will happen....

~ ~ ~

Where do we gain confidence with FOOD? I suppose growing up. Normal eaters have such confidence. They had normal mommies. I adore mine, but she was really controlling with weight and food, as was my father, AND my brother. No one would let me just eat.

Normal eaters eat what they like and stop when they've had enough. No drama. Just enjoyment.

I suppose growing up, we either learn to feed ourselves well and nurturingly, or we learn to abuse food.

Learning to stop abusing food is a process that takes time. There is a lot of un-doing that needs to be done. I have to develop the ABILITY to recognize hunger, decipher what i want, trust myself enough to ALLOW myself to eat something I actually LIKE..., and then recognize that i am satiated and able to STOP.

I've been working on eating more what i LIKE instead of what i "SHOULD," and trying to disconnect the FOOD I eat from WEIGHT LOSS. FOOD has been so irrevocably tied up to GAINING and LOSING, and to how i feel about myself - if i'm dieting i eat GOOD FOOD and i'm GOOD. If i'm binge eating, i eat BAD FOOD AND I'M BAD. Can i now eat "BAD" food....and feel GOOD?

I can! And doing that HALTS the binge!

~ ~ ~ ~

After working with Dr. D, I began binge eating daily about 5 or 6x a day. It was extremely exacerbated binge eating, i was so out of control.

I'm seeing vast improvement. Even the binge I had last night pales in comparison to the binges i usually have. I thought about making all of this other stuff last night and i said, "Nahhh, it doesn't interest me. I can eat that anytime now." I thought that was huge psychological improvement.

Also, when i finished working with Dr. D, I gained from 290lbs to 330lbs in about a week. An insane weight gain of water weight. I now weigh 319. I'm happy to see the sudden water weight gain equilizing.

And i'm pretty sure that the longer and longer I just eat "normally" and learn to detach myself from the binge eating completely, I'll come down in weight naturally.

Exercise plays a part, too, of course. Cliff and I just took a 45 min walk to town and back, so even though i had a binge last night, I'm committed to treating myself well irregardless.

I feel I'm making progress. I'm gaining confidence in my ability to tackle this, even though on a raw themed blog, i'm going against the grain.

Somehow i think i need to do this work, for me.

~ ~ ~ ~

[I wrote this part yesterday] I just ate a peice of whole wheat bread with super high quality expensive butter from Europe, my favorite kind, and that was that! No binge. Is that ever new! Why did it stop when i wanted it to, after one peice? Why was that enough?

Before the bread, I had practiced my music and felt better...felt CONFIDENT about my music....which apparently translated to confidence with myself...and that confidence translated to confidence about my ability to handle FOOD. Wow.

I think that's evidence that the little child in me is learning to trust herself. She's gaining control.

I'm thinking how i was as a child learning to ride a bike. At first, you fall, you're all over the place, can't get your need a lot of help, but you practice and practice and soon, you gain control. You gain CONFIDENCE in your ability to handle the bike.

I can gain confidence in my ability to handle FOOD!

~ ~ ~ ~

In practicing my music, I overcame the fear, I gained confidence in my ability...and not only that - in doing so, relieved the horrible anxiety I was feeling.

It seems so simple for the average person, but feeling anxious is scary and facing my music is often scary and i want to put it off because i'm afraid i'm no good. God, that sounds so silly to write, but it's true!

When i do face it, I invariably realize it wasn't as hard or frightening as I thought it was and I feel TRIUMPHANT to have accomplished something i feared i couldn't. It's a simple thing that normal people take for granted.

This is the kind of growth binge eaters have missed out on. I'm learning when you walk THROUGH the fear, you try, you do it, you succeed, you often surprise yourself what you can accomplish.

~ ~ ~ ~

The night before last, after dinner, i did NOT feel confident. I was anxious then, too, experiencing obsessive food thoughts, frightened my dinner was going to harm me. "I ate too much cheese. I should have eaten half of that. I should have eaten half of that wrap."

In reality, i did not overeat. I was only axious about my music. So, why don't i always recognize anxiety for anxiety? Why do i have to hear voices, talking about food?

Training. I'm like a dog in a Pavlov experiment. Feel an uncomfortable feeling? Ding! Think about food. My parents didn't know how to deal with me emotionally. Neither did i. Instant recipe for an eating disorder.

So these voices....This is the BINGE VOICE, the EATING DISORDER, the MENTAL ILLNESS. I don't think normal people go through this after they eat. Alcoholics drink and binge eaters eat. "You're no good, you screwed up again, you'll never get over this. You're hopeless." This is the critical parent voice, shaming the child. This is the voice that doesn't LOOK at your issues, but looks away from them and focuses on bullshit, like a tsp too much dressing on your salad. This is the voice i hear that i usually react to and start binge eating.

The binge says LOUDLY: "See me! See what's bothering me! Here, i'll show you something's wrong!"

The binge is the child trying to get the parent's attention. "I'm suffering!"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Suddenly, when i am feeling CONFIDENT, i can eat bread and butter and be supremely happy and light and gay and enthralled with myself, guilt-free. And then feel no bad feelings afterwards, physical or emotional or mental. The food moment just vanishes like it does for normal people.

~ ~ ~~

Do the BAD feelings we (people in the raw community) get from COOKED food always necessarily come from the PHYSICAL reaction to the foods themselves?

Or do the bad feelings derive from the guilt and shame we feel about cooked food? "It's dead. I'm no good."

Or do the bad feelings we feel eminate from the way we USE this UPSET ("I'm bad, i did something bad!") as a DISTRACTION?

If we USE feeling bad as a distraction we get to focus on FOOD or BAD EVIL FEELINGS, or that we are BAD AND EVIL and WEAK, instead of really focusing on what we should be doing, or on what we're REALLY FEELING?

Like when i was anxious about practicing my music.

~ ~ ~ ~

A raw friend called me recently who is on 811 and said, "I ate fat. I just can't do that. And i ate salt and it was good and I really enjoyed that, but i just can't do that anymore." I know she is going through some tough times right now in her life. I wonder if that was like a call for help? I should have said, "Talk to me about what's going on in your life" instead of focusing on the food.

~ ~ ~ ~

Last night when i faced my music again, the voice in my head said, "Maybe you need to eat something to calm yourself so you can practice singing." That was a disordered thought and that was a really insane thing to listen to. I think that was the internal child being fearful and needing a crutch, and my internal parent taking a coffee break, "Uh, yeah. Do what you want, honey." Bad parent.

Gotta be more on the ball.

Gotta meditate more and focus more at night when i have trouble, or go upstairs and do my work there instead of downstairs by the kitchen and TV. Gotta be more pro-active.

Food is to be enjoyed in meals. And work is to be done. That's all.

~ ~ ~ ~

So, like all things, gaining confidence in our abilities to overcome something like an eating disorder takes TIME...TRIAL and ERROR....FALLING and getting BACK UP. Like anything, if it is WORTH it, you keep at it.

I'm purposefully not hammering myself to do raw to cure the eating disorder because i don't think it ever did. I was raw for 3 years and still binged.

I think alot of self love and alot of self nurturing...will cure it.

And then it really doesn't matter what i eat.

I never really was that concerned with my health anyway. I just wanted to cure my binge eating...that's why i turned to raw. And I wanted to cure my reflux so that i could sing. Guess what? My new teacher has taught me to sing IRREGARDLESS OF REFLUX.

So, i'm actually DEBUNKING the MYTH that for ME i need to eat raw 1) to cure my eating disorder 2) so that i can sing.

I'm eating all kinds of fabulous crap...and binge eating LESS and singing WONDERFULLY...better than EVER!

~ ~ ~ ~

If i eat raw 100% perfectly and get skinny, but then fall off the wagon and gain everything back in a week, what is the good in that?

If i can learn to savor one peice of bread and butter, not obsess over it, go along and sing my music, feel confident and good, isn't there supreme value in that for the binge eater?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My goal - My goal is to have CONFIDENCE with food, all food, with my ABILITY to ENJOY. I don't want to abuse myself with food anymore.

I KNOW that someday all of this work will have a positive effect on my waistline and that someday i will confidently maintain my weight.

~ ~ ~

One of my roles is 'Mother Abbess' in "The Sound of Music." No wonder this song came floating into my head. Maria sings it in the musical!

"I HAVE CONFIDENCE" from The Sound of Music
What will this day be like? I wonder.
What will my future be? I wonder.
It could be so exciting to be out in the world, to be free
My heart should be wildly rejoicing
Oh, what's the matter with me?

I've always longed for adventure
To do the things I've never dared
And here I'm facing adventure
Then why am I so scared

A captain with seven children
What's so fearsome about that?

Oh, I must stop these doubts, all these worries
If I don't I just know I'll turn back
I must dream of the things I am seeking
I am seeking the courage I lack

The courage to serve them with reliance
Face my mistakes without defiance
Show them I'm worthy
And while I show them
I'll show me

So, let them bring on all their problems
I'll do better than my best
I have confidence they'll put me to the test
But I'll make them see I have confidence in me

Somehow I will impress them
I will be firm but kind
And all those children (Heaven bless them!)
They will look up to me

And mind me with each step I am more certain
Everything will turn out fine
I have confidence the world can all be mine
They'll have to agree I have confidence in me

I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides which you see I have confidence in me

Strength doesn't lie in numbers
Strength doesn't lie in wealth
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers
When you wake up -- Wake Up!

It tells me all I trust I lead my heart to
All I trust becomes my own
I have confidence in confidence alone

I have confidence in confidence alone
Besides which you see I have confidence in me!

xxooxo michelle joy

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