KIND LETTER FROM DR. D - IT'S TIME TO GET BACK ON TRACK!

Michelle,

I feel for you, I really do.
If the job could have been done in 35 days, that is what I would have offered you. We are not even half way, and you are telling me how you are going to act after the program is over.

Any chance of coming back to the present?
Any chance of putting the responsibility of your eating on yourself?
You tell me you couldn't eat anything with your oranges because you were boxed in to mono eating, but you could eat anything you wanted on your binge? I don't understand the logic.

You tell me you weren't prepared with sufficient bananas. Fine, it happens. Chalk it up as a learning experience.

You are playing with fire, Michelle. I promise you, most such clients come to me AFTER seeking the type of counseling that you describe.
Dealing with your disordered eating is an inside job. You are only just now beginning to face it. In reality, it isn't so bad. I have seen far worse, far worse, and watched many such people overcome their issues.
But you will have to face them, or continue to hide them behind the food you eat. It will always be your choice, your responsibility, and no one else's.

As for avo or corn, you asked to lose weight for your performance last month, and reached that goal. You asked to lose weight for your reunion next month, and I have been focusing on that.

You asked to get this entire process over with as rapidly as possible, and I mentioned in more than one email that you have a big job ahead of you, one that will likely take more than a year.
I have told you that getting your eating under control is likely a process that will take you 7-10 years, if you can remain focused and come back from your binges again and again.

You are human. You will fail now and then.
The question is, will you get back on the program, or will you make excuses? Will you suggest that 811 let you down, or take responsibility for the fact that you just plain didn't eat enough fruit, and as warned many times in advance, that that sent you off on a binge? Now you have seen it, do you want to continue to be that person, eating out of control, or do you want to keep yourself satisfied, satiated, and happy on our program?

Growth requires at least a bit of effort. You have it in you, Michelle. Are you willing to let the healthy person in you rule, or are you going to let that other person be in charge of your actions?

I am here to support you, and to help you reach your health and performance goals, not to impose mine upon you.

You have explained to me on many occasions what your goals were. In almost all instances, they were extremely short term. I have tried to temper them, to broaden them, and to encourage you to see a bigger picture.

This blip on the screen can remain small, but I cannot eat for you, cannot exercise for you, cannot lock you in your room and feed you.
I have every confidence that you can succeed, but it must be your choice.

Let me know,
Dr D

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

MY RESPONSE TO HIS NOTE

Hi Dr. D,

Wow, that was a really really nice note. Thank you. I appreciate your delicate touch with me. i expected you to kick me in the butt. This was a nice surprise and much appreciated.

Yes, i hadn't eaten enough fruit. I'll spare you the giant "essay" i wrote detailing the day that eveything came crashing down. The short version is....i was overly stressed, overtired, and overly hungry. I did feel boxed in. I arrived at Whole Foods to get lunch after 8 bananas and spinach didn't hold me as long as i had hoped after a 4 hour rehearsal - the bananas wore off and left me starving. I really WANTED to get a salad when i was at Whole Foods, but knew i "wasn't allowed" until after dinner time. That was the first real button that got pressed. If i would have remembered i was supposed to eat bananas for lunch, i'd have been better off. I know bananas fill me and hold me. Banana island was a pleasure compared to that day from hell. (I am telling you, it was awful). So i bought 6 oranges believing that would fill me. It didn't. Then I felt p.o.'d because they didn't fill me and I figured it was another situation like the nectarines where 18 would have been closer to the number that would satisfy, but since i was already at my moms rehab with no more food, i was beside myself.

I got two corns at the roadside stand we went to, which still didn't satisfy. By then, i was totally crazy hungry. I poured oil and vinegar on my meager salad of tomato and cucumber which didn't even do anything to cut the hunger as i thought it would. I finally figured the 2 cans of beans would satisfy me, which they did.

But then, i had opened the door to cooked already and i was off in binge-land. Where i've been ever since. It's 2.5 days later.

Right at this moment, i feel sick. I feel lethargic again and like a fat person again, who has no energy or oomph to walk. I was feeling bright and skinny and moving lovely again.

Yes, i'd like to get back on track, but honestly, i think i've been trying for a rush job.

Falling of track made me realize that i do need more flexibility, more of a plan what to do in a crisis, such as: "If you are ever overy hungry again or heading for a binge, always eat bananas even if it's between meals or you've eaten another fruit." I really need a WORST CASE SCENARIO type of plan. "Do this in a crisis - such as eat 6 corn or get an avocado or eat 20 bananas anytime of the day no matter what." Because i was that hungry.

I think i hadn't eaten much the day before and with all of the walking and the long, long rehearsal, i was crazy hungry. Eating 5 oranges and finding myself still starving was horrible. By then i was not only hungry, i was irritated and angry.

I'll answer your note below.

~ ~ ~ ~

Michelle,

I feel for you, I really do.
Thank you. i thought you would be mean. Thank you for being so nice. It makes everything "okay" now. Like, i can just move on. I didn't know how you would react. I appreciate your kindness.

If the job could have been done in 35 days, that is what I would have offered you. We are not even half way, and you are telling me how you are going to act after the program is over.
Any chance of coming back to the present?
Definitely. Although regressing so badly, it's been 2.5 days of total binge eating, is dissappointing. It says to me that i needed something more flexible on that day and didn't have it. The plan we had going was fine, even challenging, on a good day. (mono meal of fruit for breakfast, mono meal of bananas for lunch, mono meal of fruit for dinner, followed by optional fat/salt free salad). Banana Island, eating bananas "whenever i wanted" was EASIER in a sense. On that day, the feeling of eating "whenever i wanted" was not there. I felt i needed to stick to mono meals and since i began with oranges and hadn't eaten enough, now i had screwed myself. Please design for me a worst case scenario back up plan, because how i coped led me to getting totally off track and back to out of control behavior. If you really believe i should keep chipping away at this and that 811 can ultimately be my cure all, i'll give it another chance, yes.

Any chance of putting the responsibility of your eating on yourself?
Well, i am responsible. but, as i said, i need a backup plan for crisis times.

You tell me you couldn't eat anything with your oranges because you were boxed in to mono eating, but you could eat anything you wanted on your binge? I don't understand the logic. You would if you were a binge eater! In a panic and starved, i don't think we really make sense. There's ON and there's OFF - on the program or OFF of the program. That's the exact nature of a binge.

I need to learn to find the GREY in between for times of trouble. I wasn't about to eat 20 oranges, didn't have access to them and was p.o.d. and starved.

In a case like this - what do i do? A. B. C. ?

You tell me you weren't prepared with sufficient bananas. Fine, it happens. Chalk it up as a learning experience.
Yes, on Banana Island, I carried bananas with me everywhere. On the new plan, i started to forget sometimes to pack a bag and would just end up at the market frequently. I'll need to make sure i'm always carrying a bag of something even if it doesn't fit in with the plan. Even if i snack in between meals. Or follow 6 oranges with 20 bananas. Breaking the "rules," but saving myself in the long run from another episode of what happened will end up being the smartest solution.

You are playing with fire, Michelle. I promise you, most such clients come to me AFTER seeking the type of counseling that you describe.
Okay, i hear you. i'm listening.

Dealing with your disordered eating is an inside job. You are only just now beginning to face it. In reality, it isn't so bad. I have seen far worse, far worse, and watched many such people overcome their issues.
Interesting. I'd love to read about them or hear about them or talk to them. I don't know any other binge eaters on 811. I'd love to.

But you will have to face them, or continue to hide them behind the food you eat. It will always be your choice, your responsibility, and no one else's.
Okay, i'm listening.

As for avo or corn, you asked to lose weight for your performance last month, and reached that goal. You asked to lose weight for your reunion next month, and I have been focusing on that.
I know, me too, but when disaster strikes, you have to see the bigger picture, which i think i am now. It would have been WAY preferable for me to, in a state of total starvation (not really, i'm sure, but it felt like it, and probably also dehydrated) to leave Whole Foods wth 1 avocado and 20 bananas, rather than walk myself into almost 3 days of binge eating as a result of the solution i came up with. you know? don't you agree????? what's one avo compared to 1 binge meal of 5 eggs, 2 tbsp of butter, 2 peices of toast, 5 peices of cheese. That's ONE meal for me on a binge. I understand the goal of fast weight loss, but let's come up with a worst case scenario plan. Hopefully i won't have to use it more than 1x/month or something. What's worse an avo or my way of eating?

You asked to get this entire process over with as rapidly as possible, and I mentioned in more than one email that you have a big job ahead of you, one that will likely take more than a year.
Okay, but now, i've probably gained back 15 lbs at least, so what was the hurry after all if i couldn't maintain it in a crisis?????

I have told you that getting your eating under control is likely a process that will take you 7-10 years, if you can remain focused and come back from your binges again and again.
Maybe you told me but it feels like the first time hearing this. I can understand that it would take that long. It's good to know. It's good to know that there is hope at the end of the tunnel.

You are human. You will fail now and then.
Yes, yes. I'm more likely to fail if i don't have a more flexible program.

The question is, will you get back on the program, or will you make excuses?
I don't feel like i'm making excuses. I feel like i need a plan to address all possible circumstances, the best and the worst.

Will you suggest that 811 let you down, or take responsibility for the fact that you just plain didn't eat enough fruit, and as warned many times in advance, that that sent you off on a binge?
Well, you have to admit that the plan is challenging even on a good day. I had eaten breakfast. Was starving. "i'm not supposed to eat between meals." I ate a meal of 5 oranges. "i'm not supposed to eat between meals." "I'm not supposed to eat more than 1 fruit." That's a lot of "i'm not supposed to's."

I need a plan that says 'eat between meals as often as you feel it is necessary on a bad day and eat the following things. If desperately hungry, feel okay eating this handful of things, even though i want you to stay away from them on good day....'

Now you have seen it, do you want to continue to be that person, eating out of control, or do you want to keep yourself satisfied, satiated, and happy on our program?
I'm ready to get back on track, if you are willing to offer a bit more leeway for being human, for going out to eat to get a salad maybe with avocado 1x/month or something. I may not be ready for fat, but if i'm going to fuck up and be human every once in a while, let me do it with the least amount of harm. I can't be strict for 3 months straight without breaking. I'm not a weight loss machine. No one is that insanely driven to succeed. I'm not going to the academy awards, I'm only going to a reunion. Now i've probably set myself back a week or two. An avocado would have been the more sensible choice. At least it would have filled me fast. I mean, i was crazy hungry.

Growth requires at least a bit of effort. You have it in you, Michelle. i know i do.
I'm putting forth a lot of effort.

Are you willing to let the healthy person in you rule, or are you going to let that other person be in charge of your actions?
I'm ready to get back on track. Please make me a back up plan. I want to hear the word avocado in it. That doesn't mean i'll DO It daily, but it will BE THERE in an emergency. If i have an emergency daily, we can say, hey, this is NOT working. Better i don't lose weight from eating avocado than gain 15 lbs having 3 days of binge eating.

I am here to support you, and to help you reach your health and performance goals, not to impose mine upon you.
Well, thank you for this. I think i felt a little pushed..."lose weight faster!!!!!" Perhaps i even led you to feel rushed for even quicker weight loss. No, I was not happy that week that i only lost 1/2 lb after what seems like so so SO much effort, plus walking that week. That was dissappointing.

But in retrospect, i'd rather be back to that weight again than where i am now.

You have explained to me on many occasions what your goals were. In almost all instances, they were extremely short term. I have tried to temper them, to broaden them, and to encourage you to see a bigger picture.
Okay, so now that we know i can get set off if i am too too hungry, let's make a plan for that. And also one for going out with friends. If i slow down my weight loss doing that, it's still preferable to what happened. I am human and need to enjoy life, too. A little avocado on my salad one time a month is not going to kill me.

This blip on the screen can remain small, but I cannot eat for you, cannot exercise for you, cannot lock you in your room and feed you. that sounds fun. are you sure you can't?
That would be a fun weekend maybe some day, haha!

I have every confidence that you can succeed, but it must be your choice.
I choose success. Help me get there. Let's look at the BIG picture.

xoxo michelle joy