"I WANT IT ALL" CHANGES MEANING EVERY DAY

SATURDAY, Sept 25, 2010

Before Br: Thirsty! Big humongous bowl of 1/2 water, 1/2 apple cider with ice cubes. Refreshing. Br: fresh raw black mission figs. Oh, my. Awesome. Followed by a raw cacao banana shake
Exercise: 45 min walk with Cliff to Eco Festival
L: salad, brown rice, veggies and shrimp
D: big salad, wrap of raw cheese, nayonaise, fresh veggies, 3 spice cookies
Sn: yogurt with fruit and leftover brown rice with veggies, 2 slices whole wheat bread with butter

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Yesterday was an interesting day. I did alot of straightening in the house. I was kind of on edge. Annoyed Cliff wasn't really helping! I tried to phrase my desires in non-abusive terms, "Honey, i would really appreciate it if you could help me straighten around the house." It didn't really help! Although he gave me a big hug and a kiss for what i did.

Honestly, i think the real source of my edgy/anxious state all day was due to my opera rehearsal coming up on Monday. I have some work to do yet on it, and i'm anxious.

After dinner, I felt bad mentally. I sat with it, doing my meditation, trying not to react to the "binge voices" that i often hear - harsh overviews of what i'd just eaten, urging me to feel badly and binge.

I also felt physically not so fine. It's true, raw food does agree with my digestion better.

I took some Betaine HCL and felt better soon.

Later, Cliff was showering, and I was alone in the kitchen with an anxiety snack attack.

Yogurt and fresh fruit, okay.

Eating leftover lunch was not really something i now feel great about. I'd been hankering for bread and butter all day. Should have had it earlier when i wanted it!

Things usually escalate from then on in a BIG gigantic way, but they didn't. I thought that was bizarre and new. But, still not good enough.

I felt unsure about all of my writing yesterday. It made sense to me then!

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SUNDAY, Sept 26, 2010

I feel "fat" today.

I used to hear such expressions when i was in OA. It's when you feel under the weather, you look at yourself in the mirror and realize you're fat. It's probably a stress related phenomena. "I'm not good enough." I'd better work on my opera today. That will relieve the anxiety and produce an excitement about the rehearsal instead of a fear.

I just have too much to do, too. I'm overwhelmed. My mother expects me today. I have to go to Kohl's and return some of the clothing for her that didn't work. I have more laundry. I have to finish the dishes. Work on the opera.

I get overwhelmed easily.

I'm also thinking alot about the HS reunion. Facebook is connecting me and everyone and the reality of the reunion is setting in.

I just saw a recent picture of my best girlfriend from high school. The last time I saw her just a few months ago, she was very, very heavy. She lost a lot of weight. I'm happy for her success, but not happy that i will be the fat one at the reunion.

Who do i have to blame? I made my bed and now i have to lay in it.

I'm not in competition with her, but why aren't I trying to look my best for the event like everyone else is, obviously??? I was before...with Dr. D. Was that my "insanity" or my "common sense" to desire to look good/better???

I'm thinkin' alot about banana island and that i could lose 40 lbs before the reunion. Sneaky, sneaky. Now that i know how to lose weight fast, it's hard to forget it.

I say i want it all, and it's true. But maybe i don't have to have it all....in one day. There are times for drastic measures, like reunions, where you don't exactly want to look chubbed out to the max.

???

xoxo michelle joy