Saturday, September 25, 2010


SATURDAY, Sept 25, 2010

Before Br: Thirsty! Big humongous bowl of 1/2 water, 1/2 apple cider with ice cubes. Refreshing. Br: fresh raw black mission figs. Oh, my. Awesome. Followed by a raw cacao banana shake
Exercise: 45 min walk with Cliff to Eco Festival
L: salad, brown rice, veggies and shrimp
D: big salad, wrap of raw cheese, nayonaise, fresh veggies, 3 spice cookies
Sn: yogurt with fruit and leftover brown rice with veggies, 2 slices whole wheat bread with butter

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Yesterday was an interesting day. I did alot of straightening in the house. I was kind of on edge. Annoyed Cliff wasn't really helping! I tried to phrase my desires in non-abusive terms, "Honey, i would really appreciate it if you could help me straighten around the house." It didn't really help! Although he gave me a big hug and a kiss for what i did.

Honestly, i think the real source of my edgy/anxious state all day was due to my opera rehearsal coming up on Monday. I have some work to do yet on it, and i'm anxious.

After dinner, I felt bad mentally. I sat with it, doing my meditation, trying not to react to the "binge voices" that i often hear - harsh overviews of what i'd just eaten, urging me to feel badly and binge.

I also felt physically not so fine. It's true, raw food does agree with my digestion better.

I took some Betaine HCL and felt better soon.

Later, Cliff was showering, and I was alone in the kitchen with an anxiety snack attack.

Yogurt and fresh fruit, okay.

Eating leftover lunch was not really something i now feel great about. I'd been hankering for bread and butter all day. Should have had it earlier when i wanted it!

Things usually escalate from then on in a BIG gigantic way, but they didn't. I thought that was bizarre and new. But, still not good enough.

I felt unsure about all of my writing yesterday. It made sense to me then!

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SUNDAY, Sept 26, 2010

I feel "fat" today.

I used to hear such expressions when i was in OA. It's when you feel under the weather, you look at yourself in the mirror and realize you're fat. It's probably a stress related phenomena. "I'm not good enough." I'd better work on my opera today. That will relieve the anxiety and produce an excitement about the rehearsal instead of a fear.

I just have too much to do, too. I'm overwhelmed. My mother expects me today. I have to go to Kohl's and return some of the clothing for her that didn't work. I have more laundry. I have to finish the dishes. Work on the opera.

I get overwhelmed easily.

I'm also thinking alot about the HS reunion. Facebook is connecting me and everyone and the reality of the reunion is setting in.

I just saw a recent picture of my best girlfriend from high school. The last time I saw her just a few months ago, she was very, very heavy. She lost a lot of weight. I'm happy for her success, but not happy that i will be the fat one at the reunion.

Who do i have to blame? I made my bed and now i have to lay in it.

I'm not in competition with her, but why aren't I trying to look my best for the event like everyone else is, obviously??? I was before...with Dr. D. Was that my "insanity" or my "common sense" to desire to look good/better???

I'm thinkin' alot about banana island and that i could lose 40 lbs before the reunion. Sneaky, sneaky. Now that i know how to lose weight fast, it's hard to forget it.

I say i want it all, and it's true. But maybe i don't have to have it one day. There are times for drastic measures, like reunions, where you don't exactly want to look chubbed out to the max.


xoxo michelle joy

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