Friday, September 24, 2010


I had a dinner that wholly convinced me I am on the right path. I've been letting "go" of control, you know, and in doing so, am finding that binge eating is dissappearing again into the background. No urges, no fighting, no dieting, no counting calories, no following plans, no only raw, no only 811. I'm only following me and my intuition. Is THAT ever new!

So, I had my heart set on a falafel for dinner. Something about crisp romaine was attatched to it as well.

Well, after my mom tried on lots of new clothes (some of hers were stolen at the rehab, can you believe that?), and i washed and styled her hair, it was time for her dinner with the other rehabbers, and I, too, was hungry. Usually i'd sat there eating bananas like a freak, but tonight was different.

I had wanted to wait until I got home to eat, where I could make the falafel, but I was hungry. I was HUNGRY and you know what? I decided to eat the peice of challah the aide offered me. Mmmm, delish!

Wow, then, it turned out that two of the rehabbers didn't show up for dinner, so there were two meals free, which the aides offered me.

Hm. What do i do? The new me accepted after giving it a moment of thought. Yes, yes, thank you!

I enjoyed gefilte fish, more challah, some rice, some carrots, and a few cookies for dessert. I wrapped up the brisket for Cliff.

As i was eating, i could fully realize it wasn't exactly what i was hankering for, but i was hungry, and it was filling me, and you know what? Not everything in life is fantastic. It was 'alright.'

When I ate the cookies, i looked around and saw everyone else eating them, and felt "safe," and like "why the HELL not?" What, should i say NO now like i normally do, and then eat an entire bag on the car ride home, along with icecream, a tuna hoagie, muffins, mac 'n cheese, and god knows whatever else on a huge binge? Or do i eat a few cookies...and enjoy?

They weren't the best cookies, but again, they were okay. i even gave the last 2 to my mom because "i'd had enough." There usually is NEVER enough for ME. I'm usually like a garbage disposal. Suddenly now, i have control.

After dinner was over, i felt some anxiety, some fear about what i had just done. I sat with it, questioned it, noticed i felt a little dizzy from the bread and cookies (i'm usually NEVER PRESENT in a binge and don't NOTICE how i feel from certain foods). And then a peace came over me. No, it wasn't the most delicious dinner, but it was fine. And i was fine. And the desire to binge diddn't come over me. And i ate what i wanted and even had cookies and the sky didn't fall in and I didn't blow up to weight 500 lbs immediately. It was kind of a neat, liberating experience. Wow.

What was the NEATEST part, is that later, in the kitchen where they stow the cookies, i didn't even WANT anymore cookies. I tested myself. i opened the cabinet where they keep them, where i've dug my chubby greedy paws many a time on my way out of the rehab, taking handfulls of cookies with me. Well, i didn't NEED to have anymore. I didn't WANT anymore. I didn't need to SNEAK anymore. I had eaten a few out in the open. No one yelled at me, not even the voice that's been living in my head apparently. I just enjoyed.

When eating and dinner was done, it took a few minutes for my head to calm down, but...the whole thing was just OVER, like after eating SHOULD be. Over, gone, evaporated. Just like how normal people treat food. They don't continue to dwell and obsess on it like i do, or did. But didn't tonight.

I came to the conclusion, then and there, that binge eating is most definitely a mental illness, and I am on the right path to ridding myself of it.

The dieting only exacerbated the binge eating.

What i ate may not be the HEALTHIEST food, it was all dead, not live, but, BUT, I accepted the food as if it were the healthiest in the world with zero guilt. AND in giving up the guilt...and the shame....i gave up the binge.


In my case, for today, for right now, i need to learn to eat "sinful" or "cooked' or "bad" or "unhealthy" food....IN ORDER TO GET M E N T A L L Y HEALTHY. Go figure.

I have also been working here on the blog recognizing that binge eating is a spiritual disorder, when there is no internal "parental" force in charge of the out of control child, acting out with food. This concept is still doing wonders for me.

I contacted this "feeling" or "place" or "notion" or "concept" several times today...and it worked. I just get real quiet, focus on my hands tingling (i learned this in a meditation exercise from, and zero binge eating...even after eating forbidden bread, like cookies!!!

The rest of the day was good, too. What good means to me today is that i ate IN A MEAL and FELT GOOD ABOUT IT.

For breakfast I had a raw chocolate banana shake. OOOoooohhhhhh, but it's a sin...but it's too fatty...but agave isn't really raw....but cacao is a stimulant. That all seems like a bunch of fearfilled malarky today. I didn't care about ANY of that for today.

Today, I am eating what i want. And there is someone or something in charge of that. Pretty cool.

And my lunch was awesome! For lunch, Cliff and I shared a marvelous, marvelous arugala salad at a swank little cafe in Frenchtown, NJ, which we followed by delicious wrap sandwhiches. I got the veggie wrap, he got the chicken. After finishing the first half of the wrap, i realized that if i ate the 2nd half, i wouldn't feel like walking around with my cliffy love, which i wanted to do, so i easily realized i didn't need or WANT to eat the 2nd half, had it wrapped up for home, and FORGOT about it.


Amazing to be FREE of the OBSESSION of food!

I feel GOOD and FREE! I tell you, if it weren't for being heavier, i felt like a normal person!!! I feel happy and good.

I'm learning to accept myself. Accept my desires. I'm OKAY!!!!

Focusing on raw right now seems counter to the internal work i'm doing. There is some serious healing happening from the inside out. It's pretty miraculous.

And in not focusing on raw, i'm wanting and desiring raw naturally, not because i 'should,' but because i'm craving it!!! At the market tonight, the berries pulled me their way, the romaine, the parsley. Mmm, can't wait to eat them!!!

Of course, the Indian Nan bread called me also. And you know what i said? "Hello, Nan, come to my basket and i will eat you and enjoy you like a normal person!" As long as the parent or the Heavenly Father or whoever that authoritative spirit is that's been in control is welcomed to take control daily, i can apparently eat what i want, ENJOY IT, completely LET GO of the mental obsession of food, and NOT binge.

Fatter? yes, i am.

Happier? yes, i actually am. "F Doug Graham!!!"

Growing in confidence? yes. yes. wow, yes.

Hopeful for the future?




xoxo michelle joy

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