Sunday, September 19, 2010


Well, if what i did today holds....i know that i know the answer.

It's not the food that caused binge eating.

Nope, it was the shame.

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So today was a big experiment in self trust and it was certainly interesting!

I was supposed to start working with Dr. D again today. I ate a banana for breakfast. I did my mother's hair and spent the morning with her at the Rehab. I was feeling good and happy. And i realized, i didn't want to follow Dr. D and eat more bananas - I had a whole bag with me.

Nope, I wanted fish 'n chips today, and i said to myself, "You know what? You will never know for sure if you've hit upon something...that SHAME has been driving your binge eating...and NOT food, unless you can go eat fish 'n chips today....and NOT binge. Then you will know. No amount of bananas will remove the internal pervasive toxic shame that had taken hold in you. But you feel free of it, cleared of it. You need to see for yourself. Trust yourself. Trust your instinct. If you can eat and enjoy and not binge, you've really hit upon something."

I figured they'd have fish 'n chips. I walked in. I felt proud. No feelings of unworthiness. I felt just like a nice heavy-set nicely-dressed lady walking in. I checked the menu first before I got seated. Did they have what i wanted? Yes!

I love them, so I ordered the mozzerella sticks, one of my favorite binge foods, as an appetizer. Freakishly, i only wanted a few bites. The rest lost their appeal almost immediately. Gone was the drive. Now, a newly exorcized-of-shame person, i suddenly had self control over my food. I cleaned out my purse until the entree came. I smiled at the grandmother with her granddaughter in the table across from me. I listened in to the conversation. The mozzerella sticks just sat there. They didn't say my name ONCE! I could take them home and enjoy them at another meal!

The fish 'n chips came! It looked good! Only the crispiest fries did i want. The soggy ones held no interest for me. The fish was good and i finished it! I wrapped up all of the leftovers. Imagine me, eating fish after 4 years. Who woulda thunk it.

I ordered 1 scoop of chocolate icecream. I left some in the bowl because i didn't want anymore. Normalcy restored. Is this for real?

I drove home with the food in my car. Not once did it call out to me. I sang, instead, and honestly, forgot about it. My singing was good, free. The channels had been cleared. Not because of what I ate, but because of my new attitude, my new CLEAN heart and clean mind and clean Spirit. Shame-free. Shame-free feels amazing.

What is shame? That feeling that i am a disgusting human being, that i despise myself, that i'm hopeless and unworthy. It was gone. Lifted. I feel filled with love. Those affirmations I wrote out in the last blog touched something deep and dirty in me and cleaned it free.

I understand how people who've been BORN AGAIN must feel. I feel like i've been born again.

I got home and put the leftovers in the fridge. This is sooooo Geneen Roth of me. I really feel cured. I don't think i'm deluding myself. I think i've hit what's been ailing me. It was what i was doing to myself - all of the wasn't the food. It was a dark spirit that was living in me.

It's gone!

So, so long as I banish the self hatred, the self shaming, and consciously re-parent myself with love and caring and kindness and stop filling myself with ugly thoughts and feelings...., theoretically, i can eat anything....raw, cooked, gourmet raw, 811, and i won't binge.

I'm removing the SHAME from all food. I can now enjoy ANYTHING I want, anytime, when i'm hungry. I am free. This feels like a new beginning.

Jesus (a great Jewish Rabbi) once said that we can eat ANYTHING and it will not defile us, even if it is pork or not kosher or fried, so long as we BLESS it. The exorcism of shame i went through in my last blog has filled me with the most blessed feelings. I feel clean and free. So what if i ate fatty fried fish. It has no power to shame me ever again. No hatred lives in me. That spirit is gone.

Now i understand how Diane Hampton in "The Diet Alternative" stopped being obsessed with food. When you are filled with for God, or become a loving parent to your inner child, you CAN eat anything without self-recrimination.

And, another point to note - cooked food never made me fat. Binge eating it did.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Now, on to the question of HEALTH.

I had the leftovers for dinner. There was zero guilt. Zero feelings like i was doing something bad or that i wanted to beat myself up afterwards or even binge. I could NOT quite BELIEVE it.

That being said, the meal left me with indigestion, belching, reflux, and low energy. I didn't much feel like exercising or cleaning like i had planned on. I did go out shopping, but I felt zonked.

YES, what we eat affects how we feel. Of course. We KNOW that. Being intimately aware of what the power of raw food can do for us, we KNOW this.

What i didn't know...until just within the last that what I feel - now having rid myself of TOXIC SHAME - has affected HOW I can eat. I ate fish 'n chips today and DIDN'T NEED to binge.


That being said, do i WANT to eat it every day? Do i want to eat every meal cooked? Do i want to accept my 325 lb body and just live life and enjoy? Or do i want to lose weight? Do I want to eat raw? Do i want to continue to work with Dr. D?

You know what? I'm not sure! Now that the shame is removed, I suppose the choice is mine! Won't this be an interesting journey?

Sari, I forgot to thank you for your motivating comments that i learn to control myself. I never thought it would or could be possible, but I know now that it is.

Blessings to you,
xoxo michelle joy

1 comment:

Sari said...

I'm so happy for you :) And that you got something out of my comments, I feared that I was too negative/harsh.

You are in a good path, learning to know YOU :) Keep walking, I'm here cheering for you :)