Thursday, July 29, 2010

TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY

Greetings,

Long time no see.

I've been doing awful and wanted to spare you the depressing details.

Mom, however, is doing GREAT. She may have her trache removed in the next few days. They may try her out on food in the next few days as well, to see how she does. She's had 4 drains removed and only has 2 left, which may be removed soon, as well. And, she's walking, assisted, a few steps, several times a day, to use the commode, or to walk from the bed to the chair and back. My skinny little mommy is SO skinny and looks like a concentration camp victim, but she is ALIVE and progressing so fabulously, we are all so thrilled. She is likely to go to Rehab within the next week or so. It will be a few months before her full strength returns and her weight is normalized, but who cares. She is doing GREAT!

With all of this positivity going on, i can't imagine why i'm having just the worst time grabbing ahold of recovery for myself.

I'm strong for mom. And say all of the right things. To her.

But when it comes to me.... I think i feel like i don't deserve to do well. I think i'm punishing myself.

I'm bored. I'm SO stressed. Going to the hospital day in and day out is HARD.

And I'm caught in a vicious circle of eating shit, feeling like shit, thinking i'm shit, so i'm eating like shit.

I think that i think it makes me feel better...more able to cope?

I think the only thing that will get me out of this cycle, is if i rip myself from it.

I'm very mad at Geneen Roth.

I told my friend, Jan, today, on the phone, "I wonder how many obese binge eaters have ever really been cured using her methods."

I doubt many. Where are the testimonials of people losing 100's of pounds who follow her teachings?

I'm also very mad at the Christian book i was so thrilled over. I never was very religious. So relying on God not to binge eat kind of didn't get very far since i am prone not to turning to Him anyway.

That's probably the whole crux of the problem, but i'm just not 'there' yet...

Ridiculous.

I'm fatter than you can imagine. 330 lbs maybe? I think i should weigh myself tomorrow, finally.

I have been eating non-stop for weeks now, with no apparent end in sight.

This has happened to me so many times in my life.

This is how i got to weigh 425 lbs. This is not new to me. This is very, very old well established behavior.

Somehow i think it's helping me "cope," but in actuality, it is diminishing my life tremendously.

My singing voice is affected negatively. I have such reflux, it's unreal how bad it is. Plus, I can barely walk anymore. I'm winded just walking upstairs to go to the bathroom. I look horrendous. None of my clothes fit. My bras and panties are too tight.

What came first? Feeling badly...and then binge eating? Or binge eating and then feeling badly?

All i know is, i feel horrendous. And horrendous about ME. I'm career-less. I'm not a raw chef now. I'm no longer raw. I'm identity-less, i feel. Who the hell am i? I'm a fulltime caretaker for my mother. I go to the hospital every day and eat non stop before i get there and on the way home and sometimes when i'm there while mom is napping. I hide from everyone i know because i'm so fat.

I have to sing in a raw festival in about 25 days. I have to go to my class reunion in October.

I feel like a failure. I feel like worse than a failure. I'm so depressed. I think i'm clinically depressed.

What the hell happened to me???

Frickin' Geneen Roth says it's not the food, that i should eat everything in moderation, "exactly what my body wants" and i'll lose weight and stop binge eating. How many pounds do i have to gain trying every food i crave and desire to finally figure out what my body wants?

I already know what my body wants.

My body wants fruits and veggies.

I wasn't mentally ill like i am today when i was 100% raw. I tell you, i am an out of control basket case.

I'm like an alcoholic in the worst alcoholic binge. Like Nicholas Cage in "Leaving Las Vegas." I can't see clearly. I feel like i'm in a fog. I feel like I have diabetes. I'm dizzy. I have headaches. My blood pressure must be high. But all i want to do is eat. One more bite of pizza. One more serving of mac n' cheese. One more slice of bread piled high with butter. One more. One more. One more.

Roth says that if you have Diabetes you can't eat what you want because it'll kill you.

Wait a minute, if my weight/physical health are so bad that eating what i "want" will kill me, so what the hell am i doing trying to eat what i want? I'm killing myself.

You got that right.

I am killing myself. A slow death with each cream filled coffee cake muffin from Wawa. That thing has 700 calories in it.

Yes it tastes good. Yes it puts me in a stupor and tranquilizes me.

Yes, i want to be tranquilized.

This is how i was when i went raw. I was hopeless. I coudn't stop eating. No matter how hard I tried to follow all of the plan-less plans that instruct you to legalize food and eat everything. I couldn't do it.

And i feel hopeless again.

So much for my attempts at "just a little."

That approach just doesn't work for me today, at this time in my life, again.

Other people tell me they're struggling, too. They try to have "a little" and then all they want is a lot.

Okay, so it's probably emotionally based. Roth says our "lives are on our plates." My plate has been saying, "I can't get enough pleasure!"

I think any sane person would say, "Hey, dumbo, look for pleasure somewhere ELSE other than in food."

There's a new book out that says the SALT-FAT-SUGAR combo is addictive.

Duh.

For me, it becomes that. I can have "a little" for short spurts, but i always spin out of control. It always turns nasty and takes over my life.

I'm going back to raw tomorrow. I was so much better off. I can't believe i ever went off. It's been, what 8 or 9 months of this out of control eating?

For 3 years...YEARS...i maintained my weight (give or take 30 lbs).

Now, we're talking a gain of 80?

I was talking to Jan today. We both know how to lose weight on raw fast, easily. No avocado, no nuts, no seeds, no oil, no salt. Lots of fruit, green smoothies, salads with fat free dressing.

"But i can't maintain that," she commented.

I know the feeling. I've been there.

But, at OHI, i just supplemented with gourmet raw meals, eaten in control, once in a while.

I guess i was so unstressed there, it just worked.

Can I make something like THAT work again?

Can i GET stress free??? Can i shove LOTS of pleasure into my life and lots of stress relieving activities???

"Maybe i didn't give it my 100%," Jan commented.

I know i haven't been giving it my all.

I wanted to have a little cooked.

It's so freakin' delicious. I love cooked food. I would sell my soul to the devil for cooked food i love it so much. Can i actually live without those cream filled 700 calorie cupcakes?

I gladly did for 3 years.

LOOK WHERE THEY'VE GOTTEN ME. THEY'RE REALLY NOT MY FRIEND.


Enough already.

Tomorrow's a new day.

xoxo michelle joy

4 comments:

Sari said...

Do you see a pattern here? You find something new (and sometimes very costly), get so excited and almost swore that this is "the one" that´s works for you. But after a while we can read how it´s "not working" for you and then it starts all over again.

Don´t get me wrong, I understand you, I really do (done the same thing myself), but putting 4000$ for another attempt sounds really worrying. Just remember what you have wrote about this doctor in your blog and now you are paying him money that you don´t even have.

I know that this isn´t any of my business, but I think you need to tackle your inner stuff first, not the outside. I know it easier to try find a quick fix, but this road clearly doesn´t lead to permanent resolution. I just hope that someday you can live in peace with yourself and your food.

'Pure Raw Joy'! HELLO TO ALL! said...

Hi Sari,

Thanks so much for your feedback, I really do appreciate it. i've been mulling it over all evening.

Yes, of course, i see a pattern. But, i also have to say that when i went to the raw retrat 4 years ago, that was certainly very costly, but the best decision i ever made in my life concerning my weight and eating. Finding raw taught me a way to control myself. I stayed on raw for 3 years, seeking out no gurus or expensive plans, until things started to go awry, lately, within the last 9 months.

I've tried Weight Watchers, raw food bootcammp, Geneen Roth's legalization plan, this, that.

Nothing worked long term.

When i went on 80-10-10 last summer, all of my binge eating stopped and i began to lose weight again. It was a time of much joy for me, not in the food realm, but within my life - walking alot and really feeling and looking good. Those things ultimately mean more to me than food.

I could think of no one else to turn to other than Dr. Graham. Yes, he'd made an assanine comment to me about buying a wig if i was losing my hair on raw.

But, suddenly, when food became completely out of control, 80-10-10 looked like the respite that i needed. Believe me, it's not easy, and i am facing my issues. Eating only bananas is a challenge and I'm stuck with my inner stuff all day.

There are many roads to healing and i've signed up for 3 months of this one. I pray and hope daily that i stick with it. Knowing that i am spending the money is helping me stay on track, actually.

My father was kind enough to give me some money to help.

Actually, i think Dr. Graham is ultimately NOT leading me in the direction of a quick fix. He is committed to helping me overcome my very serious food and weight problem, in the long term.

Michelle

'Pure Raw Joy'! HELLO TO ALL! said...

Hi Sari,

Thanks so much for your feedback, I really do appreciate it. i've been mulling it over all evening.

Yes, of course, i see a pattern. But, i also have to say that when i went to the raw retrat 4 years ago, that was certainly very costly, but the best decision i ever made in my life concerning my weight and eating. Finding raw taught me a way to control myself. I stayed on raw for 3 years, seeking out no gurus or expensive plans, until things started to go awry, lately, within the last 9 months.

I've tried Weight Watchers, raw food bootcammp, Geneen Roth's legalization plan, this, that.

Nothing worked long term.

When i went on 80-10-10 last summer, all of my binge eating stopped and i began to lose weight again. It was a time of much joy for me, not in the food realm, but within my life - walking alot and really feeling and looking good. Those things ultimately mean more to me than food.

I could think of no one else to turn to other than Dr. Graham. Yes, he'd made an assanine comment to me about buying a wig if i was losing my hair on raw.

But, suddenly, when food became completely out of control, 80-10-10 looked like the respite that i needed. Believe me, it's not easy, and i am facing my issues. Eating only bananas is a challenge and I'm stuck with my inner stuff all day.

There are many roads to healing and i've signed up for 3 months of this one. I pray and hope daily that i stick with it. Knowing that i am spending the money is helping me stay on track, actually.

My father was kind enough to give me some money to help.

Actually, i think Dr. Graham is ultimately NOT leading me in the direction of a quick fix. He is committed to helping me overcome my very serious food and weight problem, in the long term.

Michelle

'Pure Raw Joy'! HELLO TO ALL! said...

Hi Sari,

Thanks so much for your feedback, I really do appreciate it. i've been mulling it over all evening.

Yes, of course, i see a pattern. But, i also have to say that when i went to the raw retrat 4 years ago, that was certainly very costly, but the best decision i ever made in my life concerning my weight and eating. Finding raw taught me a way to control myself. I stayed on raw for 3 years, seeking out no gurus or expensive plans, until things started to go awry, lately, within the last 9 months.

I've tried Weight Watchers, raw food bootcammp, Geneen Roth's legalization plan, this, that.

Nothing worked long term.

When i went on 80-10-10 last summer, all of my binge eating stopped and i began to lose weight again. It was a time of much joy for me, not in the food realm, but within my life - walking alot and really feeling and looking good. Those things ultimately mean more to me than food.

I could think of no one else to turn to other than Dr. Graham. Yes, he'd made an assanine comment to me about buying a wig if i was losing my hair on raw.

But, suddenly, when food became completely out of control, 80-10-10 looked like the respite that i needed. Believe me, it's not easy, and i am facing my issues. Eating only bananas is a challenge and I'm stuck with my inner stuff all day.

There are many roads to healing and i've signed up for 3 months of this one. I pray and hope daily that i stick with it. Knowing that i am spending the money is helping me stay on track, actually.

My father was kind enough to give me some money to help.

Actually, i think Dr. Graham is ultimately NOT leading me in the direction of a quick fix. He is committed to helping me overcome my very serious food and weight problem, in the long term.

Michelle