Friday, July 16, 2010


I weighed in at 305 this morning, and that was before i went #2!! I've lost 3 lbs in 2 days by fasting or "sowing" meals. "Sowing meals to God" means i'm choosing to fast through certain meals as a gift to God. I began by fasting my evening snack, then i added in dinner as well. Fasting become easier the more you do it. By fasting meals, i'm cutting calories by decreasing my overall intake. What's so cool, is I'm having my "cake" and eating it too at my one cooked meal (i always have treats!), strengthening the spirit, all while killing the binge and overeating reflex and the 'spirit of gluttony'!!! I know that each day i continue in this practice will lead me closer and closer to my goal and to eradicating binge eating and overeating forever! The 'spirit of gluttony' has led me all of these years to turn to FOOD when i'm lonely, angry, bored, depressed, confused, feeling out of control, ...instead of turning to GOD. I've never even really considered myself a very spiritual person, until this last week. I'm inviting GOD into my life on a regular basis, asking Him for help...and finding, heck, i'm receiving it! The book helping me MONGO amounts is "The Diet Alternative" by Diane Hampton.

xoxoxo mjoy

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FOOD/ACTIVITY Friday, July 17, 2010
(NR) = not raw

Br: Watermelon

Sn: 2 raw corn on cob

Sn: 1/4 of a bag of bing cherries

: veggie plate at the hospital: (NR) chick peas, shredded carrot, cucumber, cherry tomatoes, (NR) green peas, (NR) roasted sunflower seeds, purple onion rings, green pepper slices, (NR) a little bit of ranch dressing; (NR) 1 slice of toast w/butter; (NR) 1/2 cup choc icecream with choc chips

Dn: 'fasting' or 'sowing' seeds to God!

Sn: 'fasting' or 'sowing' seeds to God!

Exercise: just walking to and fro in the hospital...

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Today was a day of so many contradictions: fatty vs. lean; exhaustion vs. energized; confusion vs. understanding; activity vs. inactivity, faith vs. discouragement, weakness vs. strength, and on and on...

I just got home at 10pm, having spent most of the day with mom, and that was a good thing overall because I won't be able to go the next two days - we'll be at my cousin's wedding in NY state.

Earlier in the day, mom was confused alot, asking to take a bath in the 'tub' repeatedly. "Mom, you're in the hospital. There is no tub here. You're confused from the medicine."

She thought she saw the tub, and kept pointing to it. It was really exhausting and frustrating because after i'd explain and thought she understood there was no tub, she'd say to me again, "Michelle, ask Daddy to take me to the tub!"

And then, when she wanted to go to the bathroom, she asked us to get her out of bed and on to the 'toilet'. "Mom, there's no toilet in the room, remember, you can make right from the bed." She goes number two on a pad, and number one into a catheter.

Mom thought she was at home.

It went on and on like that all afternoon.

Mom had to have another drain added in yesterday, and i suspect the medicine they gave her to put her to sleep in the still in her system. Thus, the confusion. She hasn't been confused for quite a while like this. She even asked today for chocolate milk and coffee. "Mom, you're being fed intravenously, remember?"

The most challenging part of today was when Mom said (mouthed) (she's still unable to talk with the trache) that she didn't think she was going to "make it", meaning 'live,' and that she just wanted to give up. It broke my heart, but i tried to make light of it, chuckling, replying, "Ma, you don't have a terminal illness where they're asking us if we want to pull the plug on you. Unfortunately, you have no choice but to recover...!!!"

There were ENDLESS pep talks that ended up pooping my pep. Giving, giving, giving can be so exhausting. How do nurses, or psychologists DO it...all day?

And, when encouraging her to do more bed-exercises with me, she was discouraged, and felt like the exercises were useless. "It's not worth it," she mouthed. "But, Mom, i know you want to get out of the hospital, right? So, you have to get stronger. Doing your exercises will make you stronger. Don't you want to get strong?" "No," she answered. "Do you want to stay weak?," I asked. "Yes" she answered.

At least she was honest.

After spending 4 hours hearing the same requests to get her in the tub, and to get up so she could use the toilet, i'd lost my mojo. I didn't know how i was going to make it through the day.

The thought occured to me to EAT to make myself feel better, but Geneen Roth's book is getting better, and i'm reading that along with Hampton's book, and though i may 'think' of it, i have zero desire to go binge anymore. It's quite miraculous.

Roth says when our world feels out of control we use food to feel grounded.

Instead, i feel my feelings. I cry. I call Cliff. I pray. I "process" my feelings, instead of stuff them. It works alot better.

Since i already 'pre-decided' which meals i would 'sow,' i have a plan for my day and don't give into food aside from those times. Like, i knew i'd have my morning fruit and raw fruit/veggie snacks, and my one cooked meal somewhere around lunch time. Other than that, that's it! I eat when i get hungry freely (raw simple stuff) up until i have my one meal, and then i don't eat the rest of the day! So if i get emotional and would normally turn to food, i just don't, since i'm not hungry, or i'm 'sowing' a meal. That leaves me ABLE to process my emotions. Frankly, you don't have any other choice in the matter then. They just process themselves. The tears flow, or the desire to call someone takes over. Or you feel like you need a break. It's a quite amazing process.

So, I took a break and went shopping. I got my hair trimmed so i'll look nice at the wedding. I went to the gym. Diversion helps.

Dissappointingly, I got into my bathing suit, but ended up never making it into the pool. There wasn't a lane free, and emotionally, i was defeated. i'd felt zapped of energy. With my bathing suit under my clothes in the gym lobby, i read Hampton's book more. It helped.

When i returned to my mom's, it was fortunate. She'd ripped her covers and nighty off and was laying naked with her coochy-coo exposed (!!!) She was hot and no nurse had been in to turn the fan on. It was an opportune time to rescue her from public nudity and an overheated state. I settled her down, covered her up, turned the fan on, read to her more. I filed and polished her nails, made her feel good.

She was much more coherant this evening.

I had talked to her about how God could give her strength earlier. (I read her all day from a Jewish History book she just loves.) I said, "You know, reading about Judiasm is great, but you need to believe God will give you the strength to get through this." She made faces at me like she hated God for putting her in this situation, but her spirits did seem to be raised later.

She had a productive night. She got her nails done. She even took two bowel movements. She also coughed up so much phlegm for me from her trache (I catch it in a tissue).

She's getting so much stronger.

Days ago she could barely cough she was so weak.

Earlier in the day, she was beside herself because she couldn't move her legs. She thinks she's paralyzed. "Here, Ma, I'll show you you can move them." She can. Barely, but she can. She's very weak, but she certainly can.

She forgets she just can't 'get up' when she feels like it. She has a LONG road ahead of her.

She may not realize it, but she IS getting stronger everyday. Her attention to me reading...was astounding. She was right there 'with' me with every word. I must have read to her for a total of 2 hours! We learned about Adam and Eve and the state of Isreal.

It's funny, during the day with mom i read Jewish books and foster my Judaism and then read Hampton's Christian book kinda glossing over the stuff about Jesus, all the while fostering my new ability to stop binge eating. You know what? Whatever works!!!

In my return visit to her after i came from the gym, i felt renewed with energy. So did she. I couldn't believe just hours ago, i'd felt so near exhaustion. And couldn't believe just hours ago, she'd been so discouraged. She was much better. Much more positive.

I'd gone to the chapel at the hospital and asked God to help her see how much better she's doing and to give her strength - mind, body, soul. Maybe it worked!

She's going to NEED that to get through this, loads and loads of strength.

[It's been 8 weeks in the hospital and it'll likely be another 10, or more...even before she ever gets to rehab.]

I also asked God for strength for me. And later, i really did feel better. Heck, as long as i don't eat compulsively anymore, every day is a success, no matter how badly i feel.

Today's food went well. I ate raw until 3pm, and then had a nice salad for lunch. I seem to crave raw veggies after eating raw all morning. Plus, i had some of my favorite treats (and former binge foods) - bread and butter and icecream. YUMMO!!!!! So NICE to be able to ENJOY former binge foods, instead of hating myself with them in enormous quantities in a binge, barely even tasting them, beating myself up endlessly afterwards. Everything tastes so much better now and I enjoy it so much more. Feeling free of 'condemnation' after eating is so FREEING. I feel like a normal person. I'm healed! (as long as i keep this day at a time with one foot in front of the other!)

The leftover green smoothie that i took with me to the hospital had turned yuck. It was bubbling when i opened it up. I think it was turning into green smoothie liquor!!!

So, i ate my cooked meal at about 3 pm and haven't eaten since then. I WAS hungry SEVERAL times tonight, SEVERAL, (my dinner was relatively light, but it was what i wanted at the time) but let the feelings go. Hunger leaves momentarily if you do not address it.

I know that with each meal i give up, i'll drop some of this weight, and lose my obsession with food a little more every day.

I feel grateful to be living my life binge free. I'm not hiding from life....even if it now contains so many painful and hard moments.... I'm 'here' enough to feel them, though it's hard, but also to discover the beautiful moments, to just enjoy painting mom's nails, to appreciate her and her miraculous recovery, as well as my own. I'm able to BE here. I'm really here, experiencing life. Even in the midst of all of this.

And because i'm wiser, i'm able to help mom emotionally..and spiritually through this ordeal. That i can be there for her like this is a gift.

That i can be doing this well again, that's the biggest gift i could have asked for. This is something i could keep up for the rest of my life.

And, I managed to be about 80-85% raw today. That makes me feel good, too.

xoxo michelle joy

1 comment:

mikelle said...

mjoy! sounds like there was a whole lotta mojo in the second half of your day. seriously, you are so amazing. how in the world have you managed to hang out in a hospital every day for 2 months and are STILL able to pull it together when you need to. so inspiring. your mama is so lucky to have such a great daughter. i hope you are finding time to get your own nails painted because you certainly deserve it. hugs to YOU!