RAW EMOTIONS!

Okay, so i'm working on 'giving my food to God,' and following a little plan i fell into which consists of about 75% raw: watermelon, green smoothie, raw fruit/veggie snacks and vegan/veggie cooked dinner, but things today got a little off track today and i'm trying to process it!

I'm really SEEING and EXPERIENCING and FEELING the EMOTIONS that usually lead me to binge eat, and lead me to go off track. It's been a real eye-opener this morning. Definitely NOT EASY to say "NO" to binge eating, but very possible. I did it today, yay!

I have a lot on my mind. Alot on my heart. Alot of what feels like emotional burdens.

1) It's late, after 1pm, and i've not been to my mom yet. I'm feeling guilty and anxious to go. But Cliff needed a nap and i was waiting for him. I'm frustrated. I'm angry he's taking so long.

2) My father is not feeling well lately, and wants me to take care of him. We don't get along well, and, I've been drained and busy with mom and feeling unable, more like unWILLING, to give to him.

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More on #2

Dad complains he has nothing in the fridge, but declines when i ask if i can shop for him. I ask if he shops for himself. He answers, 'no.'

He feels supremely sorry for himself.

And i feel Guilt, guilt, guilt. I know he's laying it on thick, not being pro-active in getting what he needs, he just complains, and i've decided to remain motionless to his guilt-tugs. But it hurts. And even though i'm trying to not be, i feel guilty. I'm supposed to fawn over him, go to the house, cook for him, shop for him, take care of him, sleep there, massage him, talk with him, do for him, take care of him.

And take care of my mother in the hospital.

I'm supposed to do it all.

He's so jealous of the care i'm giving my mom.

I WANT to take care of my mother. How difficult and confusing is that..to feel beholden, to feel obligated..but also to feel absolutely zero desire to take care of one parent...and alot of desire to care for the other?

My brother is at the house. "Do you ask Ricky to shop for you? Does Ricky make you food?"

The reply i got yesterday was, "I don't ask anybody for anything anymore."

"So, you sound angry that people aren't doing for you what you want."

"I don't want to talk about it," he replied.

I'd zapped a raw nerve.

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And he's extraordinarily difficult to please. Whenever I cook for him, I get a verdict of, "it's FAIR." Those kind of reactions lead me to feel like i don't want to do anything for him, because it's not appreciated, and, worse, he's insatiable. Once you start doing for him, there's no end in sight, and you just end up feeling abused, lousy and worn out.

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So, here i am at home, cleaning out the fridge and doing a little cooking for Cliff. We've been eating out almost exclusively with mom's illness because we're either on our way to the hospital early, or on our way home, late, and i don't have much time for much else, besides writing (my medicine), and maybe a walk.

So, here i am, doing some cooking, feeling guilt-ridden the whole time because it's not for my dad, but for Cliff.

With all of these emotional undercurrents working in me, food was looking REALLY appealing.

I did take a few tastes when cooking to determine for seasoning, and i admit to 2 or 3 extra bites when ONE would have sufficed, but, let me tell you, almost 10 times, i was going to say, "To hell with this!," and eat the whole thing, binge, dish myself up half of the big bowl of the veggie pasta i made, or eat all of the 4 veggie burgers i made from scratch.

It wasn't even about my dad with the veggie burgers, or the pasta. I was SO frustrated that the burgers all stuck to the bottom of the frying pan. And the same with the parmesan cheese in the pasta. It stuck to the bottom of the sauce pan, and not to the pasta.

And MY brilliant solution to the frustration....my natural reaction...was to want to EAT all of it...to make myself FEEL better.

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Reading the "Diet Alternative" book is helping me tremendously in COPING with food thoughts and binge impulses, like these. I'm there, i'm feeling i want it, i'm thinking thoughts of eating it, and what do i do? Usually, i would have given in. Now, i listen, i feel, i try NOT to react, i don't allow myself to do what i want to do...as a 'gift' to God...and to myself. It's a supernatural fight. And today, I won.

Instead of giving into binges several times this morning already, i pulled away, and just stopped. I never let the tastes go any further than they already did. And i only ate what probably amounted to 1/2 cup of food.

Was it hard to stop myself?

Yes.

Do i feel GLAD i was able to stop?

Supremely.

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Writing about it is so helpful. I feel like i can move on with my day now. It's amazing the amount of processing i need just to get through things. I don't know what i'd do without this blog sometimes.

I suppose i'm a very sensitive, emotional person. Maybe more so than your average Joe. No wonder food looks so attractive. It deadens the pain. Temporarily. And i suppose i must have a lot of pain. Whether it be family related...or just basic everyday frustration because something i made stuck to the bottom of the pan.

For today, i don't have to 'eat' over it.

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FOOD/ACTIVITY FOR MONDAY, JULY 12, 2010

I did the best i could today. I tried to make wise choices, but choices that matched my desires. I chose not to make a green smoothie before heading to the hospital, and it would have been best had I. I was angry when i left because Cliff wanted to continue napping. He said he would make me one and bring it to the hospital, but i was too hungry when i arrived there and needed to get something.

Nevertheless, all in all, i had a good day, perhaps not by "raw" standards, I don't even know how much raw i ate today, i didn't count. But by "binge-free" standards, i did brilliantly. I nipped several possible binges in the bud, and stopped myself from overeating when i'd had enough during snack time.

I finally understand why sometimes i can control cooked food and sometimes i can't. And why sometimes i can control gourmet raw, and why sometimes i can't.

It's the spirit of gluttony. If i eat something in that 'sin' state...the spirit of gluttony takes over.

So, i CAN eat regular food and not binge. As long as i keep the spirit of gluttony at bay. I do that by only eating when i'm hungry, and staying in connection with God. As long as i don't give in to that "sin-state" - I'll get stronger and stronger.

Regretably, I never did get a walk in today. I'm feeling extremely tired, emotionally exhausted, and physically worn out.

Br: Watermelon

Sn: tastes while cooking (veggie pasta and pasta salad, not more than 1/2 cup total)

Ln: Veggie Sandwhich w/cheese at the hospital: 2 slices wheat bread, 1 slice cheese, a little mayo, mustard and lots of fresh veggies (hungry!)

Sn: Bag of honey wheat pretzels and a gingerale (hungry!)

Dn: Whole Foods Meal: macrobiotic peking duck; various salads; chunks of marinated tofu and seitan (LOVE IT!!!!)

Sn: Lofat vanilla cone from a drive through, 7pm.

Bedtime snack: Nothing. Fasting as a gift to God for the rest of the evening. I feel like eating, as i routinely eat every night, be it a binge or just a snack, so giving it up is 'something'. As i proceed along with this new practice, the more i "give" and "gift" to God, the better and better I'll get at giving, and the more and more spiritual and physical and emotional rewards I'll receive. After I get accustomed to giving up the bedtime snack, i'll start giving up another meal, or snack.

For today, baby steps.

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P.S. Did you see Oprah today? WOMEN FOOD & GOD by Geneen Roth was featured....Is that ever right on target with what i'm working on!!!

* WOMEN FOOD AND GOD at Amazon.com - http://www.amazon.com/Women-Food-God-Unexpected-Everything/dp/1416543074

* Oprah.com featuring video on Roth and links to a companion guide to the book - http://www.oprah.com/index.html

* The Diet Alternative by Diane Hampton at Amazon.com - http://www.amazon.com/Diet-Alternative-Diane-Hampton/dp/088368148X


xoxo michelle joy