Tuesday, July 20, 2010


Hiya folks,

Just got back from the hospital. Feeling really wiped out, but encouraged. Mom had three drains removed, yay! And they've fit her with a trache cap that enables her to make sound when she talks, yay!

She does have a little urinary tract infection, and she's tired from it. But they promise they are addressing it.

She's still extremely weak, but is making progress in moving more! She stood up herself from the side of the bed with the aid of her nurses and a walker as she was transferred into a big chair. That she initiated the movement was big improvement. It took considerable struggle, she was totally hunched over, but she did it.

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Mom enjoys sitting up in the chair and being out of bed, and it's better for her lungs. The mucous in her chest does seem less as well.

Progress being made overall!

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The area of challenge for my mom is...mental. "I can't do it." "I'm going to be a cripple."

I had to tell her the story of the little engine that "could" today. My mommy's going to need a LOT of encouragement.

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My parents are both prone to the "poor me's," and that's how they raised us, their children.

My brother takes little action in his life, feels like a victim, complains and blames, and uses alcohol and pot to make himself feel better.

I've always sought out HELP everywhere, but took little action myself to make things better. But, I'd like to think i'm making improvements in being more pro-active in my life, but i know i have a long way to go.

My parents taught us to feel sorry for ourselves, to not struggle and to seek enabling help from them always. They coddled us.

Now we're stuck with figuring out alot of stuff for ourselves that we probably should have learned growing up.

Like...the great big mysterious secret of eating when you're hungry. Or feeling your feelings. I never learned those things.

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Mom is going through a tough lesson now in being responsible for her recovery.

Just as I am, in MY own recovery from binge eating.

My brother, i can only hope, will learn from all of this as well that he CAN change his life and take charge. If my poor mother can do what she thinks she can't, like getting up out of bed, so can we do what we think we cannot.

The little engine that 'could' could because he told himself, "I think I can," "I think I can," "I think i can!"

We never learned to tell ourselves those things because we had parents that said, "I'll do it for you."

Now my mom wants someone to "do it" for her.

But, she's going to have to learn that she's going to need to do alot for herself, and struggle. "Bernie, help me!" I chimed in, "Mom, see if you can do it yourself. It'll make you stronger."

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And i'm so over searching for HELP online, poor me, help me, help me,...endlessly flipping back and forth from different coaches. Coaches shmoaches. I'm reading books, yeah, but i'm doing this all by myself.

And i'm proud of myself for that.

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FOOD Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Br: green smoothie (banana, parsley, agave)

Sn: 2 raw corn on cob, 2 plums

Ln: serving of homemade lowfat eggplant parmesan, a serving of mashed butternut squash, 1/2 bagel with butter, 1/2 oz of raw chedder cheese, serving roasted potatoes, small lowfat custard on cone.

Dn: fasting for God!

Activity: strenuous singing lesson

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I stopped eating today after my Linner. Feelin' a little of the old poor me's tonight myself.

Tonight I'm feeling very tired and somewhat dissappointed. My throat is a little sore.

I had a singing lesson today, the first in a long time, and I'm a little discouraged that i still have a lot to learn. Though i've made huge progress, for sure, there are still new challenges that lie ahead of me, vocally. Apparently i have "back of the tongue" tension.

But, Rome was not built in a day. I'll get it. I'll practice what i learned today. I'll be responsible for my own success.

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I have a little reflux, too. (I need to keep my Betaine on hand in my purse). Eating cooked food gives me a little reflux and the Betaine really helps.

The reflux affects my voice. So, feeling that my voice is a little under the weather makes me feel discouraged.

And, when i feel dissappointed, discouraged, what do you think the FIRST thing i want to do is?

You got it - - - EAT!!!

But, for today, i recognize the food thoughts, i let them occur but don't react to them, i feel my feelings - feel shitty - and i write.

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I am SO making progress....!!

And so is my mom!

But it ain't always easy!

~ ~ ~ ~

So, nu, how are you?

xoxo michelle joy

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