I'm falling into a little bit of a wonderful pattern here...i couldn't be HAPPIER! After failing and struggling for so long (8 months), to have TWO successive days of CONTROL and SUCCESS....
For once, I'm speechless!...
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FOOD/ACTIVITY SATURDAY, JULY 10, 2010
SN: 1 canister of green smoothie (banana, strawberry, peach, spinach, agave)
SN: 2 corn on cob, raw
LN: 1 cooked vegan falafel sandwhich out at ALLWAYS CAFE in Huntingdon Valley. Came with a side of black bean salad. Small pumpkin/vegetable/curry soup.
SN: 5 nectarines/peaches
DN: chocolate covered strawberry banana blast (3 frozen bananas cut up, cacao, agave, strawberries, handful cashews blended with agua)
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I don't know HOW this little routine came about, honestly, i don't, i just kind of FELL into it, i never really DECIDED i would to this...but i like it!!! Wish me luck!!! 2 days down, 1 more to go!!! ONE DAY AT AT TIME!!!
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REACHING OUT...FOILED AGAIN!
Today an 11 week initiative started over at http://www.rawfoodrehab.com/. There is really good energy over there, but the timing wasn't good for me to join their initiative. However, i've been trying to be more active there, trying to connect in a raw way.
Wouldn't you know, the TWO blog posts i added to the website...were deleted by the Admin! Not because something i said in them was wrong or offensive.
The first post i mistakenly added in the Admin area. It would have been nice for them to just repost it somewhere else for me. oh well.
And the 2nd post, i innocently added my blog address to the bottom of my post, not knowing it was illegal to do so, and the post was totally wiped away! The admin could have just wiped off the address, but they got rid of the whole post! They thought i was trying to SELL something!!!!
Oh well!! Try and try again! I'll give it another shot over there! Next time, i'll save what i write in case i screw up again and need to repost it!
But, the sheer act of reaching out over there seemed to help, even if no one even read it!
In fact, that's how i feel about THIS blog, too.
Even if no one reads it, it helps to write.
Things had gotten so bad for me with the eating and my weight the last few weeks/days, i even contemplated closing down the blog, as it didn't seem to be helping me, or anyone else, but after the storm clouds passed, there is light at the end of the tunnel again, so i'm happy it's still here for me, and a testament of my journey. Pure Raw Joy is one good outlet for me that hasn't slammed the door in my face... :-))
In fact, things may have gotten ALOT WORSE had it NOT been for the blog.
When i was 21, i lost 145 lbs....and gained them all back.
Yes, i've gained, i think about 65 lbs since last summer, but i didn't even gain HALF of the 175 lbs i lost back. Closer to 1/3. That may be horrible and shitty and really regretful, but, in all honesty, honest to God, it is PROOF that i am actually GETTING BETTER. I was able to re-establish control without having to gain EVERYTHING plus more back, like i have SO MANY times in my past.
I also contacted the RAW FOODS "WITCH" at http://www.rawfoodswitch.com/, asking her about possible raw coaching. Again, i haven't heard back from her, either, but reaching out helped. oh well!!!
Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something like, "MICHELLE, YOU CAN DO THIS ON YOUR OWN!"
I do tend to get a little nuts when i feel helpless turning this way and that way, pleading, "HELP ME!" I think that kind of desperation is sad and pitiful, and usually i probably wouldn't even be able to stick to whatever plan someone advised for me, ultimately. Finding my OWN way is probably the BEST way, afterall.
(And, the Eating Disorders Anonymous group i found out about online that met in my area also just stopped meeting, and the leader, who offered to SPONSOR me by email, also never wrote me back!!!! And you know what? I'm doing really well...ON MY OWN!!! And to tell you the truth, that the E.D. group/sponsorship didn't materialize is actually a BLESSING IN DISGUISE because eating 75% raw is probably frowned upon in those circles. I'm GLAD it didn't work out.)
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I'm exhausted from my day with mom. For two days, she's been depressed and terribly angry.
She even said, "F.U." (mouthed it) to the Doctor today, and the same about the nurses.
Her meds are being lowered, and she's more and more awake and aware, and consequently, beginning to really realize that she's been in the hospital for a long time...and she's NOT happy about it, to say the least. It's been almost 8 weeks! Who would be?
Cliff and i "talked" to her today - you know, a "talk." "Mom, you're not happy about being in the hospital, right?..." and so on, encouraging her, listening to her (mouth words), trying to help her understand, help her discharge her emotions and feel better. I also tried to help her to understand that she was indeed getting better, but that since she was now more aware, she felt worse. She seemed to get it. And she was VERY interested to understand WHY she was in the hospital. What happened that i am here??? We tried to explain about the 2 surgeries, about the leaks, about why her belly hurts so bad.
Her drains have almost COMPLETELY stopped draining. This is WONDERFUL!! And she took 2 bowel movements today. PROOF that her bowel is beginning to function! Her belly was hurting her and she didn't understand WHY and she was embarrassed and upset she took 2 shits when the respiratory tech was there giving her a treatment.
I tell ya, ya need a PHD in psychology to get through this recovery. Emotionally, it very challenging. "Mommy, that's WONDERFUL you went to the bathroom!" It SCARED her.
For the first time, she tried to WRITE DOWN how she was feeling and what she wanted to communicate!!!! She was SO DETERMINED!!! Her little hands were shaking so, it was hard for her to get out a sentence. Her first declaration was, 'OUT.' "Mom, you want to go OUT...? You want to leave the hospital?" That question was met with a firm head shake in the affirmative and pleading, tearing eyes.
She had transitioned from angry to innocently pleading for help. She wanted Cliff and me to kidnap her OUT of the hospital behind the nurses backs! And she wanted us to whisper so the nurses wouldn't hear what we were talking about!
I can laugh about it now, but at the time, uy.
Her second communication was "STAY." The angry lady had turned back to vulnerable. I assured her i would be with her as long as she needed me.
Mom is presently having such mucous secretions coming up from her chest and out of her trache that she is FRIGHTENED she's going to choke! It is SCARY to watch and listen to. I can't imagine how scary it is for her. Yet, all of the nurses and doctors assure us that this is a normal part of her recovery. Sometimes things get WORSE before they get better. The mucous is actually BREAKING up and coming OUT of the trache. Lugers just flying right out and puddling on her chest. Gross, I KNOW. And mom doesn't believe it's 'normal', and is afraid to fall asleep, and is fearful that there is something dreadfully wrong with her.
If she only knew how bad she was BEFORE...how many times we thought was was going to DIE..., she might truly understand how much better she is. My poor little pathetic mommy. She's actually doing really WELL. She just doesn't BELIEVE it or SEE it. And, as for the phlegm, everyone is saying that it is good and normal and that it WILL stop, soon.
Mom also told me, fearing the worst, "My legs are numb!" She fears she is paralyzed! I said, "Mommy, here, look..." and i showed her that she can INDEED move her legs! They are just VERY WEAK and still somewhat SWOLLEN with fluid. There's nothing wrong with her legs, except that she hasn't used them for almost 8 weeks. She was so worried.
In a physical therapy session that morning someone had asked her to do something she felt she couldn't, and that really scared the pants off of her.
Fear is doing a number on my mommy right now.
But, to tell you the truth, I'm so glad we could help her WORK THROUGH it today. And, where she's at right now, emotionally, for me, is preferable to the ANGER. That was scary. She really looked like she hated me for two days. This is sad and pathetic, but HONEST and real and authentic.
Having her blow me kisses again today was so healing.
There was FEAR beneath all of the anger, and she got right down to the source today, finally.
We calmed her the best we could, and she was MUCH improved by the time we left, and as a matter of fact, she was strong enough then, emotionally, to suggest, "I'll be fine. Go home." Hours previously she was so scared to be alone, she wanted to be highjacked out of the hospital or to have me sleep over. When we left, she was settled with being IN the hospital and sleeping on her own. She had overcome ALOT today. Bravo, Ruth.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ I'm tellin' ya, i feel like a MOTHER and my mother is my CHILD. Her waves of emotion are heartbreaking, but fascinating to watch as they morph, grow stronger, or give way...
And i can really relate. Emotionally, i have gone through a 180 myself in just 2 days.
I am FEELING so much better than i was only days ago.
Days ago, i felt so utterly confused, "what do i do?" And worse than confused, HOPELESS.
Today i feel like i know what to do, and am doing it. As long as i can, one day at a time, stick to the little groove i've gotten myself into, i think i'm going to be okay. I like this new direction. One "meal" a day, be it cooked veggie or gourmet raw, i'm finding myself at ease with this new discipline. It feels like something i could really keep up.
And, because my food is better, emotionally and spiritually, i am feeling like a NEW PERSON. I don't feel depressed or hopeless at all anymore.
Do you think that's because i'm eating MUCH MORE RAW FOOD and it's alkeline properties are making me FEEL BETTER? Or do i feel better because i'm more in CONTROL? Or am i more in CONTROL because raw food is EASIER to control?
Whatever it is, i'm just GLAD!!!
xoxo michelle joy