Wednesday, July 14, 2010


(R) = raw food

Br: (R) Watermelon

Ln: (R) Whole Vitamix pitcher Green Smoothie (banana, spinach, agave, pineapple), minus one glass for Cliff

Sn: (R) Bing cherries

Dn: 4:45 p.m. HUNGRY! sandwhich at the hospital - 2 slices whole wheat bread, 1/4 cup hummus, 1 slice provolone cheese, (r) lots of lettuce, (R) 6 slices tomato, (R) onion, hot peppers.

Sn: zilch. 'sewing' my Gift to God. You know what? it ain't easy!

Exercise: Walk at the mall with Cliff

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My mom got moved out of I.C.U. today, which is wonderful news. She's not sick enough anymore for Intensive Care.

So, why don't i feel happy?


Even though they moved her, Mom had a litle set back today. Her white blood cell count was up. A CATSCAN determined that there is a pool of fluid in her abdomen that one of the drains is not accessing. That would explain the raise in her white cell count and her tummy ache today and why she didn't feel well the last two days. They'll have to do a procedure tomorrow and reposition one of the drains.

I'm so sad.

It's been 8 weeks today that my mother entered the hospital for what was to be a "peice of cake" surgery. She's so weak. Her little hands shake, she still can't bear her own weight, she can't talk yet, she can't eat yet. I feel so sad for her. She wants to be home so bad. Her new room is gloomy.

But, they downgraded her status. I really should be so happy! She's GETTING BETTER, overall, but I'm scared she'll somehow revert and get sicker again or never recover and need to be in a wheelchair the rest of her life.

Gotta stop thinking like that.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Everytime i weigh myself lately, i have to recover emotionally afterwards. It's not easy. It hits me like a ton of bricks. I weighed in at 308. I've lost 2 lbs.

Without much exercise and with eating a fair amount of cooked food, I suppose that's not so horrible. Cliff 'hurrahed' my success. I, on the other hand, took it pretty hard, had to sit down, cried, had to be alone for alittle and contemplate and pray to get over it. I had a hard time recoving emotionally from the dissapointment. I would have thought that just by the sheer act of NOT binge eating over the last, what is it, 4, 5 days, and by eating mostly raw on several days that i would have lost more than that.

I'm dissappointed.

I enjoy my cooked meals...and look forward to them and feel a new freedom towards them. I guess we cannot have our cake and eat it, too. 80-10-10 with no salt and hardly any fat and low bananas produces fast weight loss, 1 lb a day. By adding cooked in, it stalls the weight loss.

That certainly sucks.

Still, I did abot 75% raw agaiin today.

I should be happy.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I feel hungry tonight. I've not eaten since about 5pm. I know i'll get better if i keep this up. I sense this 'sewing' seeds is instilling in me control. I can do it, with God's help.

But, it's not easy.

Can't help feeling sad tonight. Discouraged.

~ ~ ~

The next chapter in Hampton's book talks about changing the way we think from negative to positive. If we tell ourselves, 'i can't lose weight,' that brings the spirit down. We're to tell ourselves, 'i lose weight easily' to raise the spirits.

Gotta work on this. Big time.

~ ~ ~ ~

I took a walk today.

I feel guilty and lazy.

I should be exercising daily...and loving it, like i have in the past, but i've been blah about exercising, again. I feel kinda hopeless in that department, again, which is so ridiculous, because everyone KNOWS exercise WORKS. But, I think about doing, say, 30 mins of exercise and i say to myself, "it's just NOT good enough. It won't help." Self defeating attitude.

At least i recognize it.

~ ~ ~ ~

Hampton says we have to manifest what we want, stating what we want in the present tense. "I weigh 150 lbs. I wear a size 10."

Gotta do this.

I'm not quite there tonight, feeling so low, to work on this, but i know it's crucial.

I'm so prone to depression. Gotta really work on fighting that off. And count my blessings.

~ ~ ~ ~

Nevertheless, I continue on in my journey. I did a nice little prayer to God this morning after weighing myself and feeling depressed, trying to renew my spirits, seeking comfort from you-know-who instead of diving into the fridge face first.

I felt defeated and discouraged.

But i got over it, thank God, and did well with my food today.

~ ~ ~ ~

I feel discouraged about my mom's recovery tonight, too.

I'm scared she'll never get better. (So many set backs.) But the more i write about it, the more i'm able to get "out" of the funk.

Just gotta hang in there, and BELIEVE, HOPE, and PRAY!

So, I talk here. It helps.

And, Tomorrow is a new day.

xoxo michelle joy

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