Sunday, July 11, 2010

"ADAM RESURRECTED" - and THE VOICE OF THE BINGE

Morning,

I watched this amazing movie last night called, "Adam Resurrected," with Jeff Goldbloom. It was the story of a holocaust survivor, who overcomes insanity. It was really AWESOME.

At the end of the movie, Adam was a recovered person, the highs and lows of his insanity...were forever gone... The monster inside of him was put to rest. He had forgiven himself for surviving and now had a normal life. One can't help realizing that his dramatically insane life was far more interesting than the life he now led, but he was finally at peace.

At one point in the drama, the Nazi officer who lives in Adam's head, goads him to shoot himself in order to 'stop the voices.' Adam, wisely, realizes this voice telling him to shoot himself is a lie.

I stayed up until 4a.m. to finish watching the movie!

I could REALLY relate to Adam. When the Nazi officer tells him the only way to shut him up would be for Adam to kill himself....this 'voice' was so familiar to me. This was the voice of the BINGE! This is what the BINGE VOICES TELL ME!

When I am having food thoughts, logically, i think, the only way to shut them up is to EAT what they are telling me to! But, that is the voice of the lie. Because when you give into it, the voice never does shut up. It keeps telling you NEW things to eat, and the power of the voice only GROWS in strength.

When Adam decides to throw the gun into the fire instead of shooting himself, the Nazi officer (now living in his mind)...dissappears. Adam won.

Can i win? Can i overcome destructive binge eating?

One day at a time, i can.

But not without significant struggles and fights.

For instance, i needed to process what i was going to eat today here in writing before i felt like i could allow myself to have a binge-free day. Believe me, i was tempted. The lure of the binge is such that it makes me believe it actually will HELP me.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I stayed up until 4am watching "Adam Resurrected," so, on this sunday morning, i slept in until noon.

Upon awaking, i felt really awful.

Not because of the movie...the movie was incredible, and instilled in me HOPE for recovery.

No, i'm feeling bad because of sleeping late, and i'm in a detox.

The D.E. is working...when one detoxifies with this, you really 'feel' it.

And all of the fruit and green smoothies are also detoxifying me.

And I'm not feeling too hot, at all.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Remember what i was writing about my mom actually DOING BETTER...BUT FEELING WORSE? Today is a classic case of that. I feel like shit, but have had two 'good' days. Do i want to fuck that up, making myself 'FEEL BETTER?'

Add to the lousy physical state i feel today, the shock of weighing myself and finding that after two 'good' days, i still weigh 310.

I KNEW i shouldn't have weighed myself. It only traumatizes me. It's a part of my 'disease,' and only fun when doing simple raw and losing loads of weight in days.

Now, i can't help cursing myself for eating those 2 cooked meals with salt. Was it really wise? Was it really so great? Yes, there was a sense of utter FREEDOM to eat what i wanted...have it be 'real' food, and enjoy it guiltlessly. That was the upside.

The downside is....without those two meals, I would have lost these 10 lbs over 300 by now had i given up those enjoyable meals.

So, the question now is: WHAT DO I WANT TO DO? Do I want to eat ALL SIMPLE RAW today in an effort to lose those 10 lbs by tomorrow or the next day? Give up salt and cooked food today and maybe tomorrow? Maybe the next day i can TREAT myself with a cooked meal. Do i HAVE to eat a cooked meal EVERY DAY???

My friends, Susan, and Megan, eat cooked food. But not every day. They've found a system that WORKS for them.

I'm struggling to find MINE.

Perhaps i just want to FORGET ABOUT WEIGHT? SHOULD I JUST put the BRAKES on and just SLOW DOWN and take it SLOW and just keep DOING WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING THE LAST TWO DAYS (1 meal cooked, 75% simple raw)? It's been quite simple to do, and quite enjoyable. If i keep this up, i WILL lose those 10 lbs. Not by tomorrow. But, i will lose them.

Sure, I always have the choice of completely UNDOING ALL OF MY SUCCESS with a day of complete and utter ABANDON and binge eating all day out of frustration. That kind of behavior is not unknown to me. It's a choice and i have it. I've been known to make it, quite frequently.

What will it be????

WHAT DO I WANT?

I don't like the way my face and hips look. My face is swollen. And my hips look foreign to me. I can't believe the sheer joy (until it turns ugly) of overeating and binge eating do such damage. It's such a disconnect in me. It's like, "how did i get this fat????"

I would like to lose these 10 lbs that put me over 300.

How am i going to DO that?

I can lose them in a DAY by eating all simple raw. Or i can lose them over a succession of WEEKS by doing what i'm doing now, and by enjoying a cooked meal for dinner.

FAST or SLOW. What is it going to be?

The one meal a day thing is intented to help the binge eating, so as not to go SO drastic, i feel deprived.

But, i've found that i binge no matter what, really. When i'm deprived, or when i'm in abundance.

So, it's really my choice today.

When i went raw at O.H.I., i didn't binge, and i was SEVERELY deprived there.

Deprivation is not all that horrible.

If i had any sense, i never would have weighed myself. Ignorence is bliss.

I'd better make a decision now, otherwise, i fear i'll do something stupid, out of emotionally reacting to my weight.

HOW ABOUT THIS - Let's strike a compromise. I'll keep doing what i've been doing for TODAY. 75% raw with one cooked meal. I can certainly feel free to change my direction for tomorrow, but for today, i'm going to keep up with this. So far, so good.

If i can keep up 75% raw, i can keep growing the raw portion.

Let's not be obsessed so much about weight. But praise good 'in control' behavior and exercise. I will win the fight in the end with that.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Thanks for allowing me to find my way. It's important that i talk all of this out with myself, otherwise, i do stupid things.

Just had a delicious green smoothie with cacao and it's waking me up. I'll have a nice meal at Whole Foods later and some fruit before bed. I'll take a bag of raw corn and nectarines and peaches with me to my mom's, and I'll have another good day. The 10 lbs will have to live on my hips a few more days.

xoxo michelle joy

1 comment:

Lauren H. said...

I read your blog all the time to see how you and your Mom are doing. I think you are a strong, beautiful, wonderful woman and daughter. I am here rooting for you and wishing you all the best. Keep your chin up and keep writing it out..

LH