Sunday, May 30, 2010


For some reason, I'd don't feel so awful this morning. I started to take the Diatomaceous Earth again, and physically, it's helping me to feel better. And feeling better physically affects one emotionally, too.

I've been crying non-stop. I've been so worried about my mother, so worried about the possibility of her dying, questioning God and the universe and every doctor and nurse and family member if this is her 'time,' if what's she's going through is fatal. They all say 'no,' but emotionally, it wouldn't sink in.

I received some encouraging news from my father last night, who slept over at the hospital with my mother, that her drainage tube and 'balloon' seemed to be less full than they had been - that the drainage seems to have slowed down. She hasn't had a fever in two days, and the drain pump they inserted into her nose was dry. I'm not sure how i think about that...why did they put it in then? and put her through the ordeal of that? They inserted it in the hopes of derailing the drainage from her operation site, which they explained has obviously sprung a leak. The doctor performed a resectionig of the bowel...he took out 8 inches, not 8 feet (how do these details get so mangled from one family member to another?), and when he sewed the two peices together, it didn't stick in one or more places. (I'm trying to breath deeply as i write this...and feel peaceful instead of frightened again.) Worst case scenario, he said, was that if the drainage (puss/blood/other fluids) does not slow down, they would have to operate again.

The news from my dad last night that the drainage seemed to have slowed down was very good. Obviously, we're hoping she doesn't need a second operation. Just writing that makes it seem like my mom could handle that. I don't think she could. (I'm getting scared again.)

This whole stay in the hospital, it's been over a week already, has been one fiasco after another. She was overmedicated and reacting to the meds at first, beligerant and delusional, pulling out her tubes and cursing wildly and hitting and fighting.

You know what? i don't even have the energy to take you through all of the details. Trust me, it's been like Murphy's Law, whatever will go wrong, has.

Yesterday, i was sitting in the kitchen, chopping vegetables for the catering today, just balling and balling. I've been so afraid she's going to die. Something came over me, ala the Secret, and it just said to me, "Just tell yourself she's going to be okay, she'll recover."

I'm going to trust that for right now.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Admitting to Cliff about how awful i've been doing with the food always helps, and it did. It's not like he hasn't noticed the big weight gain, he has, but admitting it, I feel more grounded now, more ready to tackle this latest rotten episode of emotional binge eating and it's lousy consequences. Having his support is imeasurable.

This has been a really hard year so far for me.

I recall back to last summer when i was doing so great, looking so trim, exercising, walking uphill, FEELS unachievable to get back there. Cliff and my mom, even, keep reminding me, that it's NOT. They believe in me more than i do. "You can do it! You know why i know? Because you did it before."

My depressed, hopeless outlook is really a reflection of my intense feelings of a raw foodist, maybe as a person, for sure, as a daughter. I tried to save my mom from all of this.

This whole thing with the catering, with my's been incredibly stressful for me. I recognize my intense needs to learn how to deal with stress. All of what's been going on, it's taken it's toll on me.

Just gaining weight, again, has been crushing to my self esteem. I'm supposed to be an inspiration.

Okay, i'm getting depressed again. Time to switch channels.

So, having a talk out with Cliff, his cheering me on, same with my mom, even with all of those tubes in her, she's still cheering me on..., has really helped.

The lady from Australia is obviously not counseling anymore. That really sucks.

I know i've been hopping from one coach to another, when the only coach i need it really ME, but i let myself down so often, that i don't trust myself anymore. I suppose this "eating disorder" or "binge eating disorder" is just one long huge lack of trust in me. I don't know how to stop myself. My head tells me to eat more and more, i'll feel better, and i'm certain to a certain extent i do, it's emotionally numbing, but i only end up feeling and looking worse. The problem is: it's addictive, the need to do it grows and grows. The ability to just "stop" and turn things around becomes more and more hopeless as the days go on. It's like any addiction, it's just starts to take on a life of it's own.

Cliff said to me, "You're using all of this as an excuse. Knock it the hell off and just get back on raw." I have to laugh at my babe. He's the best. He still tells me he loves me and thinks i'm beautiful.

I have to work on Thursday, and it would be nice if i didn't have to go to work weighing over 300. I lost 20+ lbs in a few days on green smoothies before. Intellectually, there's no reason i can't do that again. Emotionally, i'm having a hard time accepting it. But, you know that saying, "act as if."

I got discouraged on the smoothies before because it felt like a lot (alot!) of effort for not a lot of results. The best results i've gotten to date are from Carlene's rotten stinkin' hard program with the one banana, no salt and all fruit and vegetables.

The only problem with that program is, you can't ever go off of it. And you have to exercise an hour a day.

I feel so drawn to going back on that this summer. I wonder if Carlene would have me back. I know it doesn't cure binge eating, but at least i'd look a lot better.

Sorry to be such a dissappointment. I'm only human, and obviously, out of whack, out of balance. It happens to the best of us.

Some more than others. Look at Robert Downey, Jr. I know when i get myself in control, fully, and overcome all of this, there will be no stopping me.

xoxo michelle joy

1 comment:

mikelle said...

i completely believe in you