GREEN SMOOTHIE REVOLUTION - Day 16

Mornin' all,

Challenging day yesterday...emotionally.

I slept at Susan's. Woke up early and finished work on a dehydrator full of bread - scissoring the peices to get a get a clean cut, flipping trays, etc...

I ran home to Manayunk because i had opera tickets with my aunt.

The opera depressed me. [The tenor was incredible, many shouts of 'bravo' by me for him, but...] The soprano disssappointed me. She has a great voice, but she wasn't a fantastic singer. Her phrasing was nothing special. She wasn't even particularly musical. But, she's young. She's beautiful. Heck, and she wasn't even a fantastic actress, and had no really stage presence or charm or sparkle or emit really much energy up there. She did 'nothing' for me.

So, this is what i was left ruminating: I have faults, too. So, why aren't I up there???

"Well," my mother said on the phone consoling me, "because you don't put yourself in the position to be up there." Meaning professional auditions. I have a laundry list of things i think i'm lacking and feel i'm generally missing: 'not good enough, too old, too fat, yada yada yada...,' but when i see someone not POLISHED PERFECT, it rocks me profoundly. You don't have to be perfect to be out there. You just have to WANT it.

I sing locally, but have never made the leap to trying for a professional career. I'd be lonely flying everywhere, i'd be ill-prepared, i'd be found out i'm too old, i'd start eating cooked food, my reflux would bother me, etc.... I talk myself out of it before i even try.

When it really comes down to it, we all DECIDE what direction our life goes in. Mine I never directed toward a professional solo career in opera. It takes all of one's energy and drive and focus. You can't do raw catering, AND opera. I don't think. Opera singers aim to perfect themselves in all ways artistically - the way they move, the way they act, the way they sing (most of all), the way they use the language and communicate. It's the most challenging art form. Do i want to be a professional opera singer??? Or do i want to be a raw chef?

I actually turned to raw thinking it would enable me to become professional. I'd lose ALL of my weight. I'd be able to manage on the road with the food.

I never worked to manifest it. And got busy elsewhere.

So, what do i want for my life?

After the opera, i waited for Cliff to pick me up, and with our company, we all went out to dinner.

Our company asked me, "So what do you do?" I answered, "I'm a vegan chef." But something in me didn't feel right when i said that, because i'm so much more. I'm an opera singer. Do i want to be a professional opera singer???

I suppose, ala the secret, it really DOES come down to what i want. The more "what if's" or "i'm not good enoughs because of this" i come up with, the longer i'll put it off.

I got salad at dinner and drank smoothie yesterday. Last night i felt dejected and ate 1 cup of cashews raw before i zonked out. How many thousands of calories are in that??

I'm also discouraged about my weight. Susan's scale is wrong. I'm 288. the same as i was an entire WEEK ago. I haven't lost ANY weight.

Well, on the bright side, i haven't gained any either.

And i haven't been exercising. And, yes, lots of bananas in smoothies are caloric. And so are fatty raw foods like avo. I know from past experience to lose on raw, i have to bring the fat way WAY down as well as the bananas, much as that tears at my heart to do it. As much as i don't like her, i think that "B" Carlene was right. (http://www.rawfoodbootcamp.com/)

I'm also discouraged in that - just because i'm eating raw i should be losing. All of this effort for what? To clean my bowels???

Look, i'm p.o.'d and emotional today. And have a LONG LONG week of food prep ahead of me. Gotta let this all go, and center myself and move on. I have priorities this week and losing weight is not one of them. I've been doing well. My company said, "You look so healthy!" so green smoothies are doing something good. I'll keep on keeping on, and adjust my routine after all of this catering stuff is over.

Thanks for your support!

xoxo michelle joy