Sunday, May 9, 2010


Happy Mother's Day!

Yesterday turned out to be a green smoothie-less raw gourmet day that ended in a small raw gourmet binge. A dissappointing turn out, especially since i felt i was doing so well controlling myself, up until dinner time.

I had cacao smoothie for breakfast to wake me up. I was up since 4a.m. I didn't want a green smoothie, and felt like i was "listening" to myself. So cool. I felt like i was in charge! I had raw cheese and Brad's chips, as well. I really wanted it. It makes me feel so french. I felt fabulous. "Look at me! I CAN eat fatty things and control myself!" I was very proud of myself. I didn't have much, waited for the "sigh" to say i was full, and packed up the rest. Fabulous self control!

The cheese bloated me severely later. My hands looked like balloons. I was really really distraught over this. My little french breakfast didn't like ME, though i loved it. I was severely dissappointed and discouraged.

Cliff took me to Oasis to buy Mother's Day gifts for my mother. She loves their raw cookies. I was slightly hungry, but I was hungry. I had 1/2 of a nori wrap, stopped when it stopped tasting so good. The tastebuds should guide us. 1/2 of a hazelnut tart (bangin' good and very hard to stop), a bite of the new key lime tart (not as good). For me, i didn't eat much. I can usually eat like 3 meals there, then eat a bag of treats on the way home. I'm learning to control myself!

For snack, i finished the hazelnut tart. I wasn't hungry. The seeds were sewn for bad consequential behavior.

For dinner, I finished the nori wrap and the key lime tart. I was barely hungry. Now the guilt set in. There was no "sigh" to tell me to stop because i wasn't hungry to begin with. My stomach was just rumbly from the fattier food. You know that gnawing you sometimes get? I don't get that when i eat lighter stuff and lots of green smoothies. I should have just taken a few Betaine HCL.

Dinner never ended. Here I go again. I had the rest of the raw cheese, about 3 ounces, the rest of the Brad's chips, 1/2 bag, about 10 Buckwheat thins, 3 huge nuggets of almond granola (huge like big cookies), 1 coconut cookie with chocolate. Oh, hell.

At least everything was raw... A dissappointing episode in an otherwise "successful" day of controlling my intake of fatty food while eating gourmet, but not an unfamiliar pattern to me. Eating fattier foods sorta makes you wanna eat fattier foods. They're a lot harder to control. And i didn't drink any green smoothie so i already felt guilty.

I wrote some more yesterday and felt so good about it, like i was really on to something with controlling myself with "dangerous substances" like raw cheese and Oasis raw food. I guess my new-found wisdom turned out to be not that wise, because i ultimately lost control.

Back to the green smoothie regiment today. I've experienced they really severely reduce cravings for fatty foods. I'll make two pitchers, so it's in the fridge.

We took a 30 mins walk last night before dinner, which was nice. It was after dinner that things went downhill.

To my credit, things didn't get worse than a small gourmet binge.

I was extremely tired. Having gourmet treats here and being excessively tired is not a good set up for a bingey prone person like me. And I wanted to make myself eggs and cheese and bread last night after the little gourmet binge. But, we watched a movie, and after the movie, the impulse left and I was grateful i hadn't done it.

Why compound the misery? Well, because it FEELS so good, in the moment.

Waking up this morning and realizing i DIDN'T do it felt even better.

xoxo michelle joy

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