Thursday, May 6, 2010


I'm still in shock and amazement that as little as 6 days ago, my binge eating and my weight was so out of control. This m0rning, I weigh at least 22 lbs LESS than i did 6 days ago. I'm back to 288 from 310, and it's only the 5th day of my smoothie feast.

The last car binge I had is an especially vivid and not so fond memory, but it's crucial to remember, to burn it in my memory. How i felt. How it felt. I don't want to go back there.

I had just come from a meeting about the raw catering job Susan and I are doing, i felt so high, so positive, so excited, so hopeful, and yet...this voice in my head said, "Go eat."

Was i hungry?


It was kind of like there was this big giant hairy green monster that had me brainwashed and was holding a gun to my head.

"Go eat!," it implored.

I obeyed.

What a crazy insane compulsion. To eat when you're not even hungry, and to eat like i did, and such gross unhealthy things in such huge quantities.

Look, i'm a nice person. This was some kind of force at work in me. This wasn't ME, the ME that I want me to be. This was sickness and disease at work.

I ended up at an italian take-out joint and ordered the eggplant parmesan, which ended up being enough to feed a family of four in Bangladesh. (That's my funny joke, but it's not really funny. The sad part is it was true.) The eggplant was an extremely humongous portion and greasy and i remember realizing i wasn't even enjoying every cheesy greasy bite after bite. The huge quantity and the greasiness made ME feel like the grossest person on the earth. Accompanying the eggplant was ravioli with a gross tasting sauce. What would make a person eat something that didn't even taste good??? And how the hell can an italian restaurant screw up tomato sauce? The garlic sticks were supposed to be fresh and squishy, and were dried out, yet i couldn't get them into my mouth fast enough as i drove to find a spot to complete the binge.

Parking all the way at the far end of the supermarket parking lot, i felt like some kind of pedophile or someone sneaky, devious. That i had fallen this far really felt awful. There i was in the car with all of this food, out of sight from anyone, sneaking.

Down went the 4 breadsticks, the huge serving of eggplant, the ravioli, some of the salad (you gotta eat your greens), the Yoohoo drink, the tiramisu that i had bought for Cliff.

Earlier when ordering the meal, i pretended to be just a "hungry normal person" and slurped my first Yoohoo and munched on a bag of spicy chips.

Can i even explain to you how awful i felt after just the chips and Yoohoo? And then to pay for the eggplant meal, which came in a huge bag like i was going to go feed my family, but i wasn't, i was feeding ME. The shame was overwhelming.

The only good thing to come out of all of this is that i finally realize that I AM NOT THAT BIG HAIRY GREEN MONSTER.

I wasn't feeding ME, i was feeding a compulsion, a disease, an illness.

I am a beautiful person. That's not ME.

That evening, i blew up like a balloon. My feet, my legs, my ankles, my face. I looked in the mirror at my cousin's house, who we were visiting, and my face was blowing up by the minute. (Arnold says water retention is the body's way to help keep the toxins from getting to your cells.) I felt so ashamed. Really, really awful.

The next morning, i called Arnold, and the rest is history.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It's now day 5 of the smoothie feast! I feel like a different person! I'm back to the ME i knew i was! Hot stuff, baby! I look better and better in the mirror every day. I feel energetic. Happy. GRATEFUL. Oh, God, SO grateful!

Yesterday i was so hungry for breakfast, i had like 4 or 5 glasses of green smoothie over several hours.

Lunch time, Susan and I shared a salad with raw almond dressing.

Later, i snacked on melon and pineapple.

For dinner, i had a big salad with the avocado dressing (mashed avo with garlic, lemon, water, celtic salt).

Later, i snacked on a pear, a few dates and a few munches of raw bread.

I know i'm improving because I even turned down an offer for more raw bread, replying, "Thanks, but i'm not really hungry now." Who's in charge? The big green hairy monster? I think not.

I'm paying attention and addressing hunger. Who woulda thunk it?

My plans to do strict 80-10-10 have gone a little grey with salted dressings on my salad twice a day over the last few days, but I'm really ok with it. This is a journey. Rome wasn't built in a day. I'm not binging on gourmet raw. I know what that's like: 3 bags of flax chips in a row watching TV, 2 boxes of raw fudge flipping channels.

I'm eating sensible raw and eating when i'm hungry and stopping when i've had enough. I can cope with this.

I'm reading a really cool book i found at Susan's house called, "The Green Gorilla."

One of the messages of the book is that FOOD, first and foremost, is what effects our emotions, spirit and mental space. This supports everything i've been discovering about overeating and binge eating. It's not so much the emotions causing the overeating and the binge eating. It's the overeating and the binge eating and the food choices causing the emotions.

Food can lift us up...(as i'm experiencing now). Or drag us down (as i've experienced too many times to count.)

Change your diet...and you change your life.

Dr. Amen also says this ( His message is, "Change your brain, change your body." How does he advise you to change your brain? By what you're eating.

You know that old saying, "It's NOT what you're eating, it's what's eating YOU?" Well, i'm finding that's not really true. It is what you're eating. Suddenly, when you eat well, you have resources with which to cope.

Here's the new video of me shot at Arnold's Way! Oh, my god, i am such a goof-ball, but we have SO much fun! No one could say I'm lacking expression!!! Enjoy!!!

Arnold's Way is creating an energetic vibration - initiating the transformation of Lansdale by raising public awareness of the magical powers of the GREEN SMOOTHIE! Join the GREEN SMOOTHIE REVOLUTION! We are visiting schools, we are active in the community attending event, we are offering public talks, and handing out free smoothies! Help us to arrange places to speak, to raise awareness! We need volunteers to help! Ask us how you can join the Revolution! Follow along on youtube, hear the stories, watch the transformation, join the GREEN SMOOTHIE REVOLUTION!! 1/2 Price green smoothies everyday at Arnolds Way from 5-6pm!!!

xoxox michelle joy

1 comment:

Joshua said...

Great Post Michelle! I love your blog, you put a lot of heart and energy into your posts and your description of the time in the car is something I can relate too also - thanks for being such a great inspiration!!!