Sunday, March 14, 2010

A Rainy Day


Rain, rain, go away, come again another day...

I'm in a lousy mood.

It's pouring for two days straight here in Philly. We even lost the power last night. AND...we were TRYING to watch this new movie about Clark Rockefeller on Lifetime to no avail. Lifetime was out of service...

There is like a grey cloud over my head. Things are getting to me. I'm feeling extremely stressed. I cried a lot yesterday and i cried this morning.

Yesterday, i ate alot, all raw, but i ate alot when i wasn't hungry - raw crackers and avocado and leftovers.

We had good intentions, and we took my mom yesterday in the pouring rain to OASIS LIVING CUISINE, http://www.oasis-pa.com/, a wonderful stark-white very organized raw eatery quite far from where we were. It took over an hour to get there in the insane weather. You could barely see through the car windshield the rain was coming down so strong, with wind gusts at least 50 m.p.h.

Everyone was irritated. My mother was not happy. We got there late and couldn't relax and enjoy. Plus, we were wet and cold. I thought it would be a nice treat for my mom, but she didn't really like the food (except for the chocolates and confections), and it 'repeated' on her later, you know, when you burp up food. I was trying to do a nice thing to give my mom another taste perspective and she didn't really appreciate it. Plus, it was freezing in the restaurant. And she kept saying everything i make is better. That didn't really make me feel good.

I have to agree, everything was a little bland yesterday and not as generous portions as usual. I did notice they had a new worker? We had the nori wrap, the enchilada, the pizza, the collard wrap, the veggie slaw, mixed berry smoothie, and a few little desserty items. I didn't even really enjoy it that much. The nori wrap was bland and fell apart. The collard wrap was skimpy and tasted of collard. My mother hated it. She liked the flax crackers and the veggie slaw. She didn't like the mixed berry smoothie. How could you not like a smoothy? The enchilada was bland. She liked the pizza, but their pizza is runny. And it was such a small portion.

Uy.

I froze a crap ton of bananas here. Shame on me for not buying organic. They taste like shit. I am so pissed off about that. We have to deal with crap tasting bananas for a week or two now. I could just scream i am so mad about that. Organic bananas just taste so much better. If you peel them when they are slightly green at the stem, they still taste AWESOME. Conventional bananas just taste like shit.

One highpoint: I'm soaking almonds and am making my almond basil pate today. i'm excited about that. I know mommy will like that and so will i.

Mom, she's status quo. Almost 2 weeks raw, she is. Bravo, lady. She even said yesterday, "If raw is supposed to take away my polyp, maybe it will even heal my back." You have to give it to her. She's putting alot of trust in this. Alot of trust in me.

She's lost 10 lbs total. Not since i came, but since she's been sick, in general, over the last months. 10 lbs is a size, and it is quite noticable on my little mom. Size 8 pants were all hanging on her in the store, but she refuses to buy 6's and will just make due with them hanging.

I am so emotional. I feel like crying again.

I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.

I tried to meditate this morning, but turned on the t.v. instead.

It's 10:30a.m. and everyone is STILL sleeping. Cliff has a cold. My dad has a cold. My brother is distant, negative, brooding, noncommunicative, and i only have so much love to go around. My mom was burping up Oasis all yesterday, and I feel like i'm going nuts.

Besides the family thing, alot of what's fueling my snack attacks is stress about upcoming performances. My first rehearsal for my opera is next Wednesday and i worked a good deal on my role yesterday, so that should calm the snacking. My first rehearsal for the Mexican Party is tomorrow. I've been working on my songs, but will work more on them today. Alex, my accompanist, suggested we do less songs under the circumstances with my mom being sick and i'm distracted here. I was grateful for the suggestion.

I've been having some pretty severe cravings. Potato chips, icecream. They're everywhere here. I want anything fried, too. And i want kobe beef. I saw it on TV. I never tried it. i would like to, though i've not eaten meat in 3.5 years and don't really intend to start, i just want it. it looks so fatty and fabulous. i want to eat anything fatty and fried.

I feel like Dustin when he reported, "i want to take a pizza, stuff it with tons of stuff, roll it up and deep fry it." I can really relate to that. I'm feeling emotionally raw and not particularly in the zone or at peace or even in a place to GIVE much. I'm getting irritated. I really feel like giving in often, at night, to chips, corn chips, icecream, but i know that if i do, it will only compound and compound in subsequent days. And since it is everywhere here, how will i stop then? Plus, if what i'm going through NOW with cravings is bad, imagine how bad it will be when i have to do this over again, even fatter?

I'm snacking compulsively on raw stuff and raw stuff delivers amost zilch in the comfort factor. So, i'm just left with feeling like blech. Feel your feelings...

5 Thousand cable channels and all i like to watch are the cooking shows. Cliff comments, "COOKING SHOWS?!!!! Feeding your addiction, again, huh?"

I need a vacation, away from my vacation. But this is really no vacation. Mommy being sick is certainly no vacation. The sheen of the 'home away from home' has worn off. God give me strength.

xoxo michelle joy

1 comment:

Mikelle said...

hang in there girl...family is HARD. just know that your fans are rooting for you from all over. i think you are amazing and inspiring :) be strong and be the example for your mom. if it was me, i would try to think about before i ate something - "would i want my mom to eat this?" hope your pate is AMAZING and you rock for sprouting almonds for your mama. hope cliff feels better soon.