Hunger

Good afternoon,

I've always considered this blog a safe haven for me. Somewhere i could vent. Like a journal. And not be too concerned with what others think. Just let it out. Right where i'm at. I'm sorry if i'm not inspirational. I'm LOW on spirituality the last few days. I feel depleted.

It's almost 1pm and we're all just kind of getting going here. With the time change, I slept late. And also, i overate yesterday, and my body was not energetic, but wanted to sleep it off.

Mom is holding steady. Today will be 13 days raw for her. She is able to cope so well with the raw because i told her she can turn vegetarian after this. It's helping her see being raw as a short do-able goal. I DO think, actually, she might be okay eating vegetarian after being raw for a while. MANY people overcome cancer on a Macrobiotic diet. But, for today, she is totally and completely committed to raw. ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Today is 20 days raw for me.

You think i'd be happy, but i feel miserable!

I've not been waiting for hunger to eat. And i'm overeating. It's joyless this way. Compulsive. And i feel miserable. I know i said that. And I feel heavier. I feel low on energy. I haven't weighed myself. What's the point?

I have to congratulate myself that at least it's raw, but, it's really bad, how i am with food. Or how i CAN be with food. The first week or so here, i was in the zone, only eating when i was hungry. Sharing meals with mom. I'm pretty sure i was losing weight then. Slowly, but yes, i think i was.

Now, I'm out of the zone. I'm off of her schedule. I'm eating whenever i want and not when i'm hungry. I'm a mess.

Yes, i've been 10 BILLION times worse with what i was actually EATING, but i feel just as bad.

But since i'm still raw my face looks good. Hey, I am grateful for that!!! When i've eaten cooked, i look horrendous, my face blown up like a balloon. At least my face looks ok!! Yay!

And i ran out of E3Live. I'm feeling like crap on that account as well, i think.

The thing about eating raw food compulsively is that it really doesn't give that much pleasure. Fried onion rings?? Boca Burger Wraps??? They give oodles of pleasure.

Well, i suppose when it's eaten compulsively, the pleasure ANY food gives is short lived. Why do i aim for THAT fleeting pleasure, when there can be so much MORE PLEASURE in life, by saying NO to eating compulsively???? Why do i still DO that when i KNOW better????

Old habits die hard.

And knowing i'm spending so much money on bags and bags of Brad's Raw Chips that i devour by the bag in one sitting $6.99/bag is making me feel guilter.

One good note. The germinated basil almond pate i made for mom is awesome.

So i AM making everything else by hand for us - it's just the damned flax crackers that go so quickly here, mostly because of my compulsive need to snack on them. But, truth be told, mom could eat a whole bag herself in one sitting. They go VERY quickly!

Cliff is bringing the Excalibur over tonight so i can make crackers here. "This is crazy!," I just said, "I can't keep spending money like this on flax crackers!!" Yes, Brads Raw Chips are convenient. Yes, they come in yummy assorted flavors.

Hell, yes, i can make them myself. That's what I do for a living.

Why DO we buy convenience foods when we can do it ourselves???? Let's see. What's easier? Getting in the car and going to the market, maybe a 30 minute deal.

Or making them yourself. Flax crackers are a three day deal. One day to soak the flax/buckwheat. Two days to dry.

Gee, i'd venture to say it's something about the CONVENIENCE FACTOR that makes bagged raw chips so appealing...

I also made a sun-dried tomato pate, and a creamy ranch dressing, all from the germinated skinned almonds. Fabulous! I can be a good little cheffess.

I have a music rehearsal tonight. I'm smart enough to know i'm stressed because of that. When i'm stressed, i eat. My opera rehearsals begin in 3 days.

I tried to meditate this morning, but fell asleep. And then when i got up, i was NOT hungry, but i ate.

i'll get out of this slump.

I have two options. I just HAVE to get over this hump and get back on track, listening to hunger, addressing it, stopping when i've had enough - OR - go on a meal schedule. Both ways work and i've done them both. With the first way, you just WAIT, WAIT, WAIT on hunger...and then eat, only until you've had enough. With the second way, you eat frequently, say 6 small meals a day on a schedule. And soon enough, you realize you don't NEED to overeat because you HAVE another snack coming very soon.

I actually think way two is the BEST way to get out of a slump. I think i am going to implement it. That means, you eat EVEN when you're NOT hungry, as long as you stick to the schedule. But soon enough, you TEACH yourself how much more pleasurable it is to eat when you're hungry and you naturally begin to eat LESS and LESS at each meal. This is the approach i used when i followed Dr. Christopher Fairburn's book, "Overcoming Binge EAting." I STOPPED binge eating for an entire YEAR doing that approach.

It was such a joyful way to eat and live.

So, with that kind of a plan, like what i was doing when i got here, THAT is the way to eat gourmet AND lose weight.

What i'm doing now??? Eating everytime i think of it, or want it, compulsively??? THIS is the way to eat gourmet raw and gain. Forgive me for ever saying gourmet food was BAD.

Guns are not bad. Only the people who abuse them, are. Gourmet raw is not bad. Only the people who abuse it are to blame.

Hey, Thank you so much for that fabulous comment yesterday, "just try to eat what your mom eats." LOL. I have to laugh. It makes so much SENSE!!! God, i can be sooooo thick-headed.

I really HAD been doing that, eating what my mom was eating. When my mom was eating. And i was doing GREAT! And then i started with the raw cheese. That really kick started this downhill trend, away from eating from hunger and on to eating compulsively again. I have to get out of this cycle.

I feel a LOT of guilt lately, too. I want to eat up all of these raw crackers here and raw treats here. I'm so selfish. Yet i know i want my mom to be able to try them and enjoy them. I'm in a tug of war in my head all of the time. Should i eat it? Or save it for mom??? I'm a horrible person because sometimes i eat it. I'm holding myself back from eating the Oasis Coconut/Chocolate cookies because my mom flipped for them.

Thanks for being there. Just writing about it HELPS enormously.

Another good note. My brother came out of his shell. He was very involved around here yesterday and more social. I feel blessed for that turn in his behavior.

xoxo michelle joy