Tuesday, December 1, 2009



Today feels like one of the good old days.

I have to sing on Sunday and, yes, i have a good case of reflux laryngitis now, and it's time to repair and restore the old fashioned way: raw.

I woke up this morning thinking about how i felt on raw: stopped snoring, empowered to take control of my life, of my food. Even when i lost control, i still managed to get back on track much easier, and ultimately, i was doing quite well with my weight.

Then i thought about how i've felt eating cooked: sometimes able to control, sometimes great pleasure, great hope, but the majority of the time helpless to take control back, unable to maintain control, confused, lost, much heavier, bloated, snoring, looking for someone to 'help' me, helpless where to turn. Where do i belong?

I realized that on raw i may not have cured my binge eating for good, but I knew 80-10-10 was a safe haven, for at least a while. My chances for success seemed BETTER, because i believed in raw, i believed it was helping me control myself because raw food is not as stimulating as cooked. I knew that, and that's precisely WHY i ate raw. 3 years of freedom from binge eating on fast food felt like success. I may still have binged on raw, but lately, my weight had been good. I was coming down. I was getting compliments always for how well i looked.

Plus, with raw, food was less accessible. I couldn't drive to the corner chinese place for veggie spring rolls and singapore rice noodles. I couldn't step next door to the pizza shop for a slice of plain to go. I couldn't drive through the Baskin Robbins for a double scoop. All of this freedom is terrible for an addict like me.

If i wanted a raw treat, it was a 45 minute drive to OASIS or a 30 minute drive to WHOLE FOODS. I didn't so much have blinders on to other foods, i just didn't WANT them. Now, i have the taste again, i want to taste everything. And that is not a good place to be in for a former 425 lb person. i always said it, if i'd gain everything back, next time i'd be 500lbs. And, uh, it's a likely scenario.

Yes, i have an eating disorder, a binge eating disorder.

But i realized that my worst raw days were never as bad as my worst cooked days. And with raw, there was always a light at the end of the tunnel. I had my raw friends, my raw job to turn to. I was part of a community. Now, i feel like an outcast. I feel like i don't fit. I don't know where i belong. And that doesn't feel good.

On Sunday, Dec 6th is the ARNOLDS WAY AND SANCTUARY SPA RAWSOME FOOD, MUSIC AND YOGA FESTIVAL at Arnolds Way in Lansdale, PA. I am singing, and doing a food demo. How do you think i feel today, full from chinese food, knowing i have to face the raw community and be the one who lost all of the weight raw, and the raw chef, and the raw opera singer?

I refuse to feel like shit and sing like shit at that event. Time to take back my power. Time to do what i have to do. Get back on track with raw.

I feel empowered by singing beautifully. I feel empowered by eating raw. God uses me as a channel for music and for inspiring others. I have NOT been very inspiring lately.

Yes, i know i still need to learn to control myself with food. There are all of the underlying issues, i know. But, i had much more of a chance of success on raw. Look at me now, it's not a pretty sight. I don't look good. I'm lost.

I have to clear the pathway to communicate at this event, musically and with food, and to do that, it's time to go back to my roots, to what worked: raw.

It didn't necessarily erase binge eating, raw. But in the next 5 days, i wouldn't be cured of that anyway if i keep eating chinese food and kept gaining weight. "Can't you eat chinese food in moderation?" Maybe. Maybe someday. But not today. And not in the next 5 days.

There is plenty of time in my life to learn how to eat moderately, be it cooked or raw, but for today, i'm coming home.

I know there are emotional reasons why i eat, but you know what the biggest hurdle is, truly? THE MENTAL. Believing i can. Believing i'm worth it. Believing this new story. Believing this is truly what i need. Believing it's what i want. Believing it'll really be worth it. Believing it will help me get back on track. Even as I'm writing this, i'm doubting. Raw food doesn't taste as good as cooked. [deep sigh]. It's okay, for today. I can make peace with that, for today, because i know what i have at stake. My identity. I'm going to be raw chef michelle on sunday, the one who lost all of the weight eating raw, the raw opera singer. And i'm going to hold my head up high and be proud. Because that IS who i am. I accept that today. Working on cooked food is not in the plan at the moment. I'll leave it for another day.

In the next 5 days before the event, i don't even want to hear the word binge or binge eating or curing binge eating. It's not even my goal today. My goal is to get rid of the reflux, lose the bloat, drink juice, barley max, E3Live, make smoothies, let go of the fat and salt.

So, i'm setting myself up to fail eventually? That's okay with me. On cooked, i would be doing exactly the same, trying, trying, trying to eat in moderation only to constantly fail. Which battle do i want to fight today? The one that will restore me to me.

At least with raw it's my support system, it's been my life for 3 years, it's been the thing that makes Cliff able to sleep with me (stopped snoring). [I also sleep so much more eating cooked. I'd gotten used to getting up with the birds. Now i could sleep until 3pm.]

Thoughts keep coming to me, 'Yeah, but what about the pleasure of cooked food? You're gonna miss it. Can't you have just a little?' It would be such a nice thing to be ABLE to have just a little, but, perhaps under the care of a weekly therapist or something. It's just not for today.

To get back on track on my own, i'm returning to what i know. I have 5 days to restore and repair. And i need your support to get there.

Juicing. Low fat. No salt. Smoothies. Barley Max. E3Live. Water. Walking. Sunshine.

I haven't walked in 4 weeks. All of those endorphins i've been trying to get by way of eggroll.

Sometimes you just have to GET WELL before you have to confidence and trust in yourself to accomplish anything.

xoxo michelle joy

No comments: