Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Struggles and Stresses...and Good Things, too

Hiya Folks,

So, Cliff and I are about 2 weeks raw now.

It's been a struggle at some points, and at other times, easy and like it always used to be.

The last few days, however, I've been in a kind of awful place emotionally, stressed, due to finances. I feel like i work so hard, but the work I do doesn't pay me. I can barely pay my bills this month.

Last month when i was binge eating, buying pizza and chinese meals daily on my debit card, i never thought of how it would impact me. It must have totaled a few hundred. And now i'm suffering because i spent that money, that i need now to pay my bills. In the heat of the binges, i felt rich. But, i wasn't.

Somehow, it feels like eating pizza and eggrolls again will make this woe all dissappear. The urgest for cooked food have been quite strong at some points, but thank god, i've verbalized them, and it's taken the energy out of them.

Cliff is also ultra supportive. The moment i say i feel like going out to get pizza on the drive to my mother's house, he insists on driving me himself instead. God bless him.

Cliff is struggling with eating cooked at times, too. Strong emotions and pain can make us want to run away into cooked. Cliff threw his back out and was in considerable pain. Later in the day, I was about to make him one of our raw platters and called all over the house for him. Well, I found him upstairs in our 2nd kitchen where all of the illegal cooked food got stowed, eating a bologna sandwhich.

He's been back to eating raw breakfast and enjoyed a raw lunch today, so that's wonderful. He's not throwing out the baby with the bath water. A minor blip.

Today, I was out all day and i left him plenty of raw food and directions on how to put things together, but i'll soon find out how he coped when he comes to pick me up.

I'm mostly upset about gaining weight and how I look, but i know it's also my financial situation that is depressing me. So, the heavy heart i have is not all about how i look, but it's contributing.

And it used to be so easy to just do 80-10-10 for a few weeks, like i did to prepare for my Halloween performance as I KNOW i can drop 20 lbs easily by doing that.

But, something keeps telling me that that's not the way to go. That i simply need to control my portions. Listen more to hunger and fullness signals. Everytime i diet to lose fast, i gain it right back anyway.

I'm scared to weigh myself.

Anyway, if i want to lose weight, i keep telling myself to walk more. But it's absolutely frigid out here in Philadelphia, and i never tire of finding excuses not to go to the gym. I was so on a roll this summer with the exercise. What a blessing that was, to just be on FIRE to exercise daily and walk up those hills of Manayunk, supremely contented.

Now, i've been walking a bit here and there, but not the 1hour+ walks i was doing.

I'm so depressed about being heavier, but feel helpless in a way. I know i overeat and knowing that depresses me, too. I'm watching myself do it. And i know i'm heavier and shouldn't overeat, but yet, i do.

And I'm depressed because i have barely any income coming in.

I called an opera cafe in Phila where the waiters/waitresses all sing opera to get a job there. They asked for my resume and headshot, which i promptly sent. When they phoned me after that inquiring about my availability, i was excited, but got cold feet. I was binge eating on cooked at the time and couldn't see myself resisting the pasta and bread and butter there. I let two weeks go by without returing their call. Now, i've called at least 3x, and no one has returned my call yet. At least if i worked there a few nights a week, i'd make tips.

The catering does not pay. By the time you add up all of the hours and hours of labor that go into making catering trays, we probably average $2/hour.

I feel like so work sooo hard. For so little.

Last night, i finally got fed up. I said a prayer to God, to the universe, working the secret. I said, "I want to be paid to sing. I want a nice renovated house. I want a good income." I went on and on like this. I think this is what i am going to have to keep doing daily, because this cloud over my head is just making me feel awful.

Another stress/blessing has been preparing two new classes i am going to be leading at Arnolds Way. I know they will be good for me and a blessing to others, but to prepare for them is, you know, challenging.

The one class, "12 Steps To Raw" is ever on my mind, which is turning out to be a good thing. I almost heated up some Fuhrman lentil soup yesterday that i had in the freezer, until it popped into my mind that i have to be an example to my students. I put the soup back in the freezer. I should move that soup up to the freezer upstairs.

I've also been planning what i will demonstrate in my "Raw Food Masterclass with Chef Michelle" class. That was stressing me out as well. I've made the plan, and now i'm not happy with it, which is stressing me out, too!

I'm just venting, and i'm sure the classes will work out just fine.

If you are interested and would like to join me at Arnolds Way for these classes, here is the info:

RAW FOOD MASTERCLASS: Arnolds Way, 4 Thursdays from 6:30-8pm beginning Thurs, Jan 7th - Demonstrations of smoothies, salads, desserts, wraps, with an emphasis on how to reuse leftovers.

12 STEPS TO RAW: Arnolds Way, 4 Fridays from 6:30-8pm beginning Friday, Jan 8th - Lecture, handouts, discussion and support on getting and staying raw. Topics include traveling raw, avoiding temptation, different raw diets and finding what works for you, garnering support, creating a raw kitchen.

xoxox michelle joy


Debbie said...

HI Michelle - You are not alone. Although I have never been heavy I have always been a binger. I am now back on 80 10 10 and I think I really do believe Doug Graham that the only people who will be raw long term are the 80 10 10 ers. According to folks on 30 bananas a day (and I don't know how reliable the source is) all the famous high fat gourmet raw fooders eat some cooked.

Anyway, I'm going to try eating tons of fruit and only three meals a day. Why don't you join me?? Not as a diet but as a way of life!

Cosmic said...

I'm confident you will get there, Honey, sooner enough and besides you're lovely and deserve the very best(I also stuggle with compulsive, emotional overeating - Have you read Victoria Boutenko's 12 steps book?).

Let's make the next decade a blessed heathy one(Happy new year:)!