Monday, December 21, 2009

Still Hangin' In There!

Hiya Folks,

My computer is still not back so i'm at the library, picking up some music. I sing in an Italian concert in February, where i will do excerpts of Tosca and some duets from "Most Happy Fella." Also, in April i am singing a new opera called, "Belisario" by Donizetti. It's very challenging, so wish me luck. P.S. Last night I sang a Christmas concert and man, my new lessons have revolutionized my voice. I am singing so well that i actually feel like i actually COULD become a professional singer now. I never had the confidence, because i could never count on my voice. Those few lessons i took with Dolores, my new teacher, gave me the skill to handle my voice so much better, it's amazing. I can sing high to low, no stress, no strain. I'm filled with so much pure joy today after having had such a fantastic singing experience last night. I said to Cliff, "It's like I'm a bird, and i need to sing well!" It nourishes my soul.

The kitchen is still raw. My Cliffy is struggling a bit, but is doing fantastically in his new raw lifestyle. He is in some considerable detox and not feeling well, so made himself some eggs and bread last night while i was away singing. Other than that, he's been all raw at home, yay!

Having the kitchen all raw is helping me like HUGELY. Many a time now i've been tempted to want to eat something cooked, but because the kitchen is raw, I choose raw. Do it for your own kitchen if you're having issues. I highly recommend it.

I guess it's been about a week now that i've been back to all raw. It just feels like home. I've been making raw pies for a treat. I'm not thinking or worrying about weight loss right now. Just about satisfying myself and getting through this transition period, and supporting Cliff.

I can't say I'm happy when i look in the mirror. I don't think i look as well 20 lbs heavier, but it's not so awful, and people still compliment me on how well i'm looking who don't see me often. If you would have seen me on Halloween in the 250's. Just writing that sinks my heart. I do feel alittle hopeless again about losing weight. But, i actually think losing binge eating is better now that losing weight, so i'm going to stay on this course. Eating "what i want" as long as it's raw is liberating and feels sensual and good.

The only problem occurs when i eat when i'm not hungry. Which i still do quite often. I think THAT is where i need to cure myself.

When i eat when i AM hungry, god, raw food tastes so good that i forget about cooked food alltogether. In fact, i HAVE forgotten about cooked food alltogether. That is a blessing as it got out of control. It's MUCH MUCH MUCH easier to get out of control with cooked food than with raw. With raw you feel much more of a sense of satiety, and you lose interest much quicker. That is a blessing for me, a person with such a food addiction problem.

So....contrary to what they say about needing to eat ALL FOODS in moderation to stop binge eating, i have cut out ALL COOKED foods and have stopped binge eating.

It will be a blessing for others suffering when i have this all figured out and can come up with a program of recovery not only for stopping binge eating, but for losing weight on raw without feeling deprived.

Many men i've known have lost 100 lbs in their first year of raw eating gourmet. I lost 140 lbs in my first year of raw eating gourmet only a few times a week. Now that i am 3 years in and have still 100 more pounds to lose, it's been, well, more than a challenge.

When i was exercising and walking daily, long long walks, that was a HUGE KEY.

When i can learn to only eat when i'm hungry, that will be a huge key.

I think i'll focus there, eat satisfying raw foods, no matter how fatty, and if i want to lose, exercise and eat when i'm hungry and less. That seems like a better route for my sensual nature and for my tendency to binge. Like my friend, Tim Arnold says, "NO DEPRIVATION." Deprived feelings on 80-10-10 do indeed lead to binge eating at least for me.

Just kind of dealing with this weight gain sucks. Just being in it. Instead of running into the diet/break out of dieting binge eating mode. That way i did feel a sense of control. But in a outer way.

Maybe i can learn that inner control. So i can eat what i want, raw, be satisfied and never need to feel i have to break free from anything.

xoxoxo michelle joy

No comments: