Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Raw Dairy and Fat, and Elimination of Binge Eating


So, did i mention since we, Cliff and I, turned our home kitchen all raw, that we've been indulging in raw dairy?

My nose is itchy and stuffed up quite a bit and i sneeze several times a day due to this indulgence, but, um, well, actually, it tastes so good and is keeping me from feeling deprived, that i'm going to hang in there with it. And Cliff has always been a big milk drinker, so i figured, heck, if he's going to drink it, it might as well be raw.

Whole Foods Markets in our area now carry organic Raw cow's Milk from a dairy called "The Raw Cow" in Scotland, Pa. Cliff is enjoying drinking this milk very much and says it doesn't taste any different than regular milk, so that's a plus for him. Knowing that the milk's enzymes and nutrition are in tact is a nutritional plus, for the both of us.

And yes, I'm enjoying the milk, too. I had a rare glass of raw milk with a lovely slice of raw blueberry pie the other day, and man, was THAT satisfying. I've never been a milk drinker, but enjoyed it very much. I do enjoy a nice splash in my Decaf Earl Grey Tea with raw honey several times a day. Is that ever delish, or what? A nice cozy cuppa tea, mmm.

Whole Foods Markets also carry unpasteurized raw milk cheeses. I was able to find 3 such cheeses in the gourmet cheese section - an unpasteurized Blue, an unpasteurized Machego from Spain made from raw sheep's milk, and a raw hard goat cheese. Man, oh, man-o-schewitz, am i having the time of my life.

I think european cheeses in general are not pasteurized, nor is milk in europe so the cheeses they import are just often unpasteurized as they've always been. I think Americans are just not used to, or familiar with it, or even know that unpasteurized cheeses exist at Whole Foods or in the cheese world in general.

Whole Foods also carries a raw sharp and mild chedder that is stored in the refrigerated section with other prepackaged cheeses.

[Here is a page from Whole Foods explaining that most of their cheeses are organic. So, that's good. Alot of people poo poo raw cheese, but then go and eat pizza when they go off of raw. Eating it seems to be helping me NOT go off.]

In fact, I just had a delish romaine salad with a creamy cashew dressing on it, nutritional yeast, and chunks of raw blue cheese. Was that ever delish, or what???!! And it's still vegetarian. After that, i had a small slice of the cranberry pie i made yebsterday with a wonderful pecan crust and a sweet vanilla cashew cheeze layer. Tart, sweet, buttery. frickin' fabu.

After i ate, i took a deep sigh of contentment, and happily walked away from the kitchen. On to doing something else.

I used to complain about how gourmet at work made me binge. But now that i have gourmet at home, too, it really took the sting out of the food at work. I didn't binge there either. Hmmpf.

Something about the way cheese is satisfying me on a very deep level is...well, satisfying me on a very deep level. If i eat LESS food by eating richer, isn't that somehow BETTER? For me, VOLUME has always been my thing. THAT's what a binge is. Enormous volumes of food.

So, Cliff and i are eating small portions of highly tasty and satisfying raw gourmet and raw dairy foods are are feeling orgasmically satisfied. Smaller portions of tastier food is rocking my world. Who woulda thunk it? I'm just in heaven, eating.

And then i do my best to wait to eat until i get hungry again. Isn't that the way it's suppossed to be? Eating when you're hungry?

People in france eat cheese and butter liberally, and aren't fat.

A small platter of highly tasty and interesting raw food is so much more satisfying than 5 bowls of Dr. Fuhrman soup in a row.

What's cool, is there's really no need to "binge out" of what i'm doing when i'm eating in such a satisfying tasty way. The only draw back is with Fuhrman soup, you lose 18 lbs in one week.

But, if indeed binge eating is driven by dieting, it seems what i'm doing is favorable to dieting. Zero impulses so far to binge. WOW.

So, say, for lunch, I make up two plates of 3 or 4 or 5 different things on the plate, keeping in mind all of the different flavors and how they will work together. For instance, we had a lunch plate yesterday that included a spinach salad with fresh tomato and red onion with a sweet tangy honey mustard dressing I made up at the top of the plate, a small mound of zucchini spaghetti with a creamy mild basil sauce I whipped up to the right of that, a few small peices of different raw cheeses next to that, and a very small peice of the cranberry pie at the bottom of the plate.

Whew, talk about flavors and textures exploding in your mouth. salty, sweet, tart, smooth, etc...
It does take a considerable amount of work to eat this way, but, it's worth it.

What also drew me into this direction was that I suspected that eating bread and cheese when i was bingeing was supplying something nutritionally i might have been missing. My hair stopped falling out in the tub when i was eating cooked.

Now, alot of people have told me that my hair falling out was detox and a good sign. But, after 3 years raw and it was still falling out and never did grow back in fuller as was promised, I got a little tired of waiting. I may be halting detox, but frankly, i don't care much for being bald, and since i'm not dying of cancer halting detox is not life and death to me.

The tub doesn't seem like a hair bath since i've been back to raw with dairy.

Cliff and i also trekked out to the Reading Terminal in Downtown Philly the other day in the snow. That was a fun outing. We left the farmer's market with bags of fresh squeezed tangerine juice, fresh squeezed orange pineapple juice, and 3 more raw cheeses: one from new jersey, one from switzerland that was aged in a cave, and one from france that had ashes in it.

I can't tell you the enjoyment these cheeses are bringing me. We have little peices of 2 or 3 with a meal maybe once a day and marvel at the different tastes. The Gruyer from France tasted like fried chicken to me. You know how in wine they say you can taste chocolate or vanilla or cherries? Well, it's the same with cheese. The flavors are so complex. God, that fried chicken one was stunningly good. Some of the cheeses are creamy. One is kind of crackly and feels like there are crackly chunks in it. One from france is smelly. The blue, i think, gives me the worst congestion, but, haha, it's worth it.

I really feel like my idol, Nigella Lawson, these past few days. It seems Nigella exists purely to enjoy food. She doesn't seem to have an eating disorder like me. She's only mildly plump and completely a hedonistic sensual foodlover. I admire her so! Me, i either diet or binge wildly. Well, so it seems, not anymore! I can have my cheese, and eat it, too!

When i was binge eating on cooked this last month, i had no meat, but quite a bit of cheese. Cheese pizza. Cheese fries. Cheeze sticks. I said to myself that maybe i should just include this food in my diet in a raw way and just be happy.

(Of course i take my Betaine HcL after every heavy meal and that helps me digest it.)

I haven't weighed myself. It would be kind of neat to just go on like this for like a month, not weighing myself, and just see what happens.

Exercising has fallen on the priority list and that upsets me. We're operating with one car now in the snow, so going to the gym is not so easy, and it's cold out and i haven't been walking outside with all of the snow and ice. It's discouraging that my walking has slipped so as i had been doing so incredibly in the summer.

To add insult to injury, I spoke with my catering partner this morning (as we have a few jobs upcoming for the holidays) and was mentioning my current enjoyment of raw cheese and raw pies and how well it's so positively impacting my binge eating as I don't want to binge at all. She was very sympathetic and interested and understood and encouraged me, but said if she ate like that daily, she'd look like a blimp.

Well, that did burst my bubble a bit. Fat IS fat, and i've proven to myself hundreds of times that i lose rapidly when i cut out the fat. But if i binge afterwards on fat and can't stop, was it really worth it having been so strict in the first place?

Susan is not a binge eater, so i have to recognize that our paths may need to be different.

Dr. Fairburn's book, "Overcoming Binge Eating" explicitely states that losing binge eating and losing weight are two horses of a different color. He explicitely states that it is imperative to get binge eating under control before attempting to lose weight. So, I'm hoping this latest path will unlock me from binge eating completely. And then losing weight will be a matter of eating less and exercising more, and not binge eating anymore, and just coping with life, coping with my feelings.

You know all of the talk about how feelings were driving the binge eating? I'm wondering if they really are. There is a lot of talk in Fairburn's book about how dieting is the number one cause of binge eating.

But, i'm still wondering a few things. By eating fat liberally, am i numbing myself to how i really feel? Or am i just feeding myself in such a pleasurable manner that i really am happier, more sensually fulfilled? Nothing's changed much on the homefront, except for Cliff's terrific support in offering to go raw and clean out the kitchen. Nothing else has changed, yet i'm able to stay raw. Is it really the feelings driving the out of control eating? Or was it the constant dieting???

External control verses gaining skill in INTERNAL CONTROL. I think that's what i'm hoping to learn.

All i know is, i feel content, i work through what's bothering me and, heck, i like cheese, i like cheese, i like cheese. Maybe it doesn't like me, sniff, sniff, ha-chu, but, gosh darn, i like it! My tounge is soooooo happy.

Enjoying food feels so liberating. What's 20 lbs really when you're as fat as i am anyway???? And evidence will show you on this blog...in black and white...that i've been UP and DOWN and UP and DOWN the same 20+ pounds as a raw foodist repeatedly. IS that really any good?????? Maybe if i stay UP for a while, when i finally DO get DOWN, it'll STICK.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I just got off of the phone with some friends who'd like to go out with me and I'm worried they'll dissapprove of my weight gain. And it almost caused a binge.

Following talking with them, I ate a peice of raw pie that i wasn't hungry for.

Prior to that, i'd had my dinner, an unsatisfying nori wrap that i was barely hungry for. It really didn't taste all that great. That was my first really dissappointing meal of these entire 8 raw days. I realize now, only, that if the wrap didn't appeal to me, i didn't have to continue eating it.

After the pie, the impulse to binge was really strong. I imagined eating the rest of the entire pie. But i 'saw' it, 'watched' the pictures in my head, and thankfully, didn't give in. That was new.

Now, i'm just left feeling rotten.

After speaking with my friend, i'm suddenly scared i've gained weight. Well, i know i have, but I'm scared to be okay with me and what i'm doing and scared to show it to the world. Overall, i'm scared i'm heading down the wrong track actually allowing myself to enjoy food. Losing weight and looking good really makes me feel better about myself, but if i can't be okay with me a little heavier, than what good is any of it? Like Arnold always says, you have to love yourself every minute of every day. Fat or thin.

I remember when i was in an eating disorder unit once i was so pleasantly titilated that they were serving me cheese sandwhiches and milk and some kind of snacky illegal thing for a dessert...in an eating disorder unit. I couldn't believe i could actually EAT that, i mean, that that was my prescribed diet....and that i could eat it and not binge afterwards. Well, i WAS in a hospital and didn't have access to food, but i had a hard time believing that i was "allowed" to eat those foods and it was actually OK, i mean, fattening food for a fat person? I felt the same sense of liberation eating those cheese sandwhiches that i felt earlier today.

Have i told you about my thin brother and that my mother used to hide "his" food all over the house? I used to go all over the house searching for it and would binge on it. My mother bought me diet food. I wasn't 'allowed' Ricky's food.

When i was weighed at the hospital after lunches of cheese sandwhiches and hamburger dinners and it was discovered that i had GAINED weight, I felt duped. "You see? You see? I CAN'T eat what i like and have that be okay."

That's how i kind of feel right now. In a bit of a panic over what i'm doing. Eating pie and thinking that could actually be OK.

After the anxiety producing talk with my friend who wants to "see" me (spend time with me) (my interpretation is literal, SEE me, see how much weight i've gained and judge me for it), i wanted to binge and diet and avoid seeing her until i lose weight.

Instead, i tried to talk myself into accepting myself as i am, and that i'm good enough exactly how i am. The impulse to run upstairs and weigh myself was strong, but i didn't.

Something tells me i'm on the right path.

I think i'm going to break out Christopher Fairburn's book, "Overcoming Binge Eating" and work on it for real, like i once did. And i was an entire year binge free following the recommendations of that book. Coincidentally, i followed his book as a cheese eating vegetarian. I didn't lose weight, but didn't binge once in an entire year.

Something tells me giving up dieting and my constant and intense focus on weight loss and appearance will liberate me. Maybe i WILL be able to stop binge eating and then actually continue on a path of further weight loss. I already avoided a binge tonight. If i can do that every night, imagine the calories i'll save just doing THAT.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Really had a seriously big binge impulse last night. Really was scared i had gained a lot of weight and that i was seriously on the wrong track. Wow, was that a strong sense of urgency to eat. I was 'there' with myself the whole time and kept asking myself how eating was going to help me if i was scared i GAINED weight??? Well, it FEELS like it would help.

_ _ _ __ _ _ _ _

Cliff has lost 5 lbs since turning over the kitchen to raw. He's sometimes dissappointed with meals. He's more of a meat and potatoes guy. The zucchini spaghetti does not rock his world as it does mine. Having had real spaghetti only too recently on my weeks of cooked binges, i understand. Cooked pasta is freakin' awesome.

I looked at my face in the mirror this morning, and it didn't look too too awful. I determined i would weigh myself so i could really see how i was doing. Fairburn advises weighing WEEKLY, not daily.

I decided that if i was in the 280's, i was heading down the wrong path. I weighed in at 272. 272 is not 258 like i was on Hallooween, but it's not 285 either. And at one point in my raw journey before i sought out 80-10-10, i had even gotten up to 299.5!!! Remember my alltime high is 425, so really i am doing terrifically. I'm just seeking out a way to continue losing, a way to stop binge eating and a way to just get on in this world.

More enjoyable foods seems to nourish me on a deep level.

I am going to continue to follow this path. I am going to continue to focus on hunger/fullness and have that be my guide. I am going to continue to discount fat and sweets and just eat what i like, what i want, as long as it's raw.

Having the raw kitchen has certainly been a huge assett. We have a carton of eggs down here, though, and the impulse to fry up 6 or 8 was very strong last night. I'm so happy i didn't and that i saw the "panic" attack through.

Being internally driven and in touch must be scary to me. This is something i must explore. What is it about me that feels like if i listen to myself, i must be wrong? Self trust is seriously lacking, but that's what i'm working on afterall, isn't it?

I am certain that in the months to come i will gain more and more skill over feeding myself and with exercise, may begin to lose naturally. I am going to stay the course.

xoxo michelle joy

1 comment:

Helix Matrix Healing said...

I am sorry to say its not so easy to find unpasturized cheese in europe... some types require it but alot have changed... its a rarity these days unless you follow the old sensible ways but even the energy of the unpasturised cheese or milk is not what it used to be full of love and care its still on large production energy... I used to like cheese but did get told to stop eating it and gluten many years ago and I have tried as changed my energy and done the unpasturised cheese parmesan and roqufort but they just make me heavy... sits heavy aswell energy wise.

Although if people suffer with stiff joint and aches cutting out dairy is worth it as when I cut it out and tried some again although not unpasturised well not sure on stilton but my joints and flexibilty was stiffer from it. Although others are fineto a certain degree :)