Thursday, September 10, 2009

Sing, soar and keep losing....

Mornin' Folks,

Well, what did i expect? I didn't do well with the food at work yesterday.

I did so well in the morning. I was so resolved to do well. And I did. Until i decided i could take a taste of raw living bread and 'get away with it.' Who did i think i was fooling? What's that thing they tell you in AA about walking down the street and seeing a hole and falling in?

Next time, they teach, take a different street, right?

Customers often come in to Arnolds Way struggling with their personal demons, usually cooked food. And i'm always understanding and try to help them understand that it usually takes a long time of teeter tottering back and forth raw to cooked to raw to cooked to raw to cooked...before they make a serious committment. I always say "You need a really compelling reason to stay raw."

With me, my personal demon these last years as a raw foodist is raw gourmet. I lose control. I have episodes where i am in control, and then i have more frequent episodes where i am out of control. The episodes where i can eat it in control convince me that i'm okay, that i can have a little of this, a little of that.

Yesterday, i had my smoothie at home for breakfast, i had a LONG walk much uphill prior, and when i got to work i had a big green smoothie, but was still hungry. I made a lowfat chopped salad, but still felt hungry, so i made a chopped salad in a nori wrap. It was so good.

One of my jobs at work is to pack up living bread from the dehydrators. We had a new kind of bread 1/2 dry. Why I even cared what it was, i don't know. I guess because i love food. I took a taste. And another. It was so good. I still wasn't out of control. It was kind of like a slow steam engine gaining momentum as the day wore on. Some days are out of control franticly from the start. Yesterday was slow beginning and picked up steam.

I wish i didn't have to report this same boring story all of the time. I feel badly that i'm not cured yet. I know, i just know that one day i'll gain control over my eating, lose all of my extra weight (i have about 100 lbs to go), and i'll achieve victory.

For now, unfortunately, you're here for the hard stuff. The back and forth. Just like my customers go through with raw/cooked. Maybe some day when i am tired enough of this, i'll forego all gourmet and become a hysterical 80-10-10 fanatic.

I work again today and i feel defeated.

I have my opera on Sunday and if food and singing were not connected, it would be no issue. The problem is, they are INTERTWINED in my life. Overly fatty food creates reflux laryngitis, a swelling of my larynx. With a swollen larynx, i can't sing. Well, i can, but not as well. High notes become almost impossible.

I am to sing an opera on Sunday. If i want to sing well, and i SO DO, i will forego all of the extra fat and go back to my 'recovery days' plan: all fruit, all greens, all veggies, very limited fats, no salt.

There is a rebellious side of me that says, "aw...come on, eat it, you'll be fine!"

The truth is - i'm really nervous about the performance and fat numbs. That's what makes it so appealing. It makes me feel calm. But also ruins my voice.

The ego is a very powerful thing. In order to become the people God meant us to be, we often have to give up things to become the powerful capable beings that God meant us to be. On 80-10-10, I've gotten glimpses of this strength. I begin to lose weight again. Customers seek my counsel and look up to me. I sing strongly and have soaring high notes.

What is food anyway? Is it not meant to just satisfy hunger?

I abuse food.

80-10-10 food is quite enjoyable in it's own right, but in a different, simpler way. It doesn't stroke the ego. It nourishes, and that's that. It doesn't excite like gourmet does. I guess that's why the book "Excitotoxins" is so popular among 80-10-10ers.

You know, no one is attracted to 80-10-10 unless they have issues controlling gourmet. I wish i could be one of the lucky who has found a balance and is content with it. I know SO many who do and who are.

I am not one of the lucky.

Please keep me in your thoughts today. My best self deserves to sing, to soar, to keep losing.

xoxo michelle joy

1 comment:

Pat said...

I think you are amazing and very brave to work so hard to fight your food demons. There are soooooo many people that given up.

I'm sending loving thoughts your way.