Saturday, September 26, 2009

Door Number One...or Door Number Two?

Morning, Ladies...

C'est moi aussi :-)) (It's me again!)

Happy to be reconnecting.

These past few weeks have been tough for my figure. I suppose you know that already. I weighed myself this morning to find I weigh 266. I remember weighing somewhere in the low 250's last month.

I really wanted this blog to be all about success, about constant weight loss and finding that balance that works for me. Regretfully, it's been more about lack of success with food as I've not found that balance yet that i desire. I'm still stuck in either binge eating or dieting.

The last weeks of weight gain tasted delicious. I adored every bite. So much so, that i never wanted the pleasure to end, and it didn't. I just kept going. There's something very shameful in admitting that. I wish i just had the willpower or the self control to, well, control delicious food. There also is the choice of remaining like this, out of control, and just accepting it. Unfortunately, that's not really a practical option if i want to sing beautifully. Binging on raw food like flax crackers and nutspread give me horrendous reflux laryngitis. I can't sing well with a swollen inflamed throat.

I've been walking around for days now thinking that i want to learn to control gourmet, that i deserve to, that i should quit this crazy yo yoing and create a plan with lots of healthy AND include some pleasure foods in it. I've been thinking i just should break out that "Overcoming Binge Eating" book again by Dr. Christopher Fairburn, and REALLY work the program this time. Write my food down every day. Do the manditory questions afterwards. Get on a plan with eating times. Eventually, within a few weeks, he promises, you can move to a phase of the program where you are listening to your body and eating when you are hungry, including healthy AND pleasure foods in your daily diet.

80-10-10 for me has been more about quick weight loss, or getting myself out of trouble once i've overdone it.

If there's no overdoing it, there's not that much reason to be so rigid.

Fairburn promises that it's not the FOODS that make us binge, it's US that make us binge. I guess it's just that we, or I have tremendously BAD eating habits.

The fact that there is NO binge eating on 80-10-10 complicates things in my mind and makes me feel like....if i could just submit to that way of life forever, my situation would be cured. My reflux laryngitis would be gone, my weight would keep coming off.

Then what the heck is stopping me??

It seems like a tug'o'war between what i WANT, and what i NEED.

Although what i NEED is really the question at heart. What do i need???

I still don't know.

Do i need to live on 80-10-10 for the rest of my life....?

Or CAN i find a way to eat healthful raw foods AND have some pleasurable foods in my diet as well, without losing control, or sacrificing my ability to sing.

I'll take door number two, please.

I speak tonight at the Devon Potluck and am finding it more than a little hard to muster up all of the wonderful things about me when i'm feeling in such a low place, personally. I also promised i'd sing and i'm hoarse. If i'm feeling better tonight, i'll see what i can scrap together song-wise. I tried out a few numbers last night that might work.

On Sunday, i have a singing rehearsal for 4 upcoming concerts of "From Opera To Broadway" with my friend and accompanist, Alex Ramirez. Our program is a lovely one that spans from Puccini to Gershwin to Rodgers and Hammerstein. We also throw in some Andrew Lloyd Webber and some Lerner and Lowe in there for fun.

I'm REAL nervous about these programs. I've done the show at least 10 times before, but I'm real worried about singing well, consistently through all of them.

When i sang at the Raw Union Wedding, i was 80-10-10ing, and barely had any nerves at all and sung the "Ave Maria" , i thought, pretty well.

When i sang the 2nd rehearsal to Don Giovanni recently, i was reflux free, drank green smoothies all day and sounded and felt marvelous.

When i go back over this in my head it confuses my desire to eat gourmet moderately. I think i'm just kidding myself. I don't do ANYTHING moderately. It's all or nothin' baby.

I had a ton of fresh raw veggies left over from the Beckwith event: 3 bags of cut up crudite, 7 heads of celery, about 10 red peppers.

I've been wanting to juice. Go on a restorative juice fast.

The last time i did a 4 day juice fast after binging on gourmet, i lost 12 lbs of waterweight and intestinal gunk. 4 days.

I suppose my entire mental idea about raw food is confused. Everyone i know juices every once in a while. Everyone I know goes overboard once in a while. Everyone i know gets back on track.

Maybe this is just the nature of raw food...and i should just make peace with it.

So, i made a huge container of fresh juice this morning and it tastes delicious: carrot, assorted peppers, broccoli, tomato, asparagus, celery, parsley.

If i didn't eat fatty salty at the potluck tonight, i'd be doing myself a favor for tomorrow's early singing rehearsal.

I also have a singing lesson on Tuesday and a concert performance on Wednesday.

Wouldn't it be NICE to be reflux-free and bloat-free and 12 lbs thinner by then, if i kept juicing?

It's really where my HEART wants to be.

I just have so much competing, conflicting ideas running through my head, i sometimes don't know WHAT to do.

I read something once about my numerology that stated i would find the answers i needed by blending my BODY's needs with my HEART's wisdom and my HEAD's intelligence. It sounds so simple, but obviously harder from some than others.

My body responds INCREDIBLY favorably to 80-10-10. Take out the head longing for gourmet treats and i'm fine. The heart's intuition tell me i need to sing and to sing i need to give up what robs me of my voice.

It's hard being me.

I'm off for a walk. The first one in days. And enjoying another glass of fresh juice.

I love you all and hope to be more focused in the future on what i want and need. It will help me and will help you find your way.

If you're found a balance that works for you, or even a way of eating that might seem out of balance, please write in and share your story. We all need to find what works for each of us as individuals...and if you can shed some light, it would be much appreciated.

xoxo michelle joy


Swayze said...

Hi Michelle, so sorry to hear about your struggling. I've definitely been there.

For me, I had to go 100% healthy, low fat raw vegan (no salt) to kick the cravings. Even one taste of salt or anything cooked (no matter how bland) would send me over the edge.

I think even more important than what you eat is your mindset. I was not able to stick with low fat raw until I was completely dedicated to it. Before, I would say that I wanted to go 80/10/10, but having just a little bit of something salty or fatty was always in the back of my mind. If even the slightest cravings came around, I gave in.

Hope that helps,

Swayze :)

Meredith Frantz said...

Hey Lady!!!

After reading your post I thought I'd share what I am up to and perhaps it can offer some motivation to continue on juicing! You already know I am a huge fan of juicing, especially green juice, at least once a day! I try to do about 32-64 oz of green juice every day. It makes such a drastic impact on my day, my well being, and the food choices I make throughout the day.

These past 11 days I have been juice feasting, about one gallon of fresh vegetable juice and fruit juice a day. And well, I feel great. I have had 2 colonics during this feast and I really feel like I'm doing a deep clean on my entire body. Perhaps considering a juice feast may help give your body a chance to settle down, get grounded, and allow your digestion to take a breather. It's been a fun challenge juice feasting while preparing raw food for so many people.. that's what Dustin and intuition are for... they guide the creative process now.

Just thought I'd share some thoughts, I love reading your blog, hope all is well in Pennsylvania!!!