Friday, April 30, 2010


Sometimes a person with huge ears or a giant nose...gets a nose job or their ears pinned back...and reports higher levels of self esteem and higher levels of positive interaction with the public. This is an example of an external change improving one's internal feelings.

Sometimes a person changes their diet and loses weight...and they end up feeling better about themselves, higher self esteem, higher self worth, higher self respect, as well as much more positive interactions with the public. This is another example of an external change improving one's internal feelings.

Sometimes a person gets some help reorganizing their house, or cleaning their basement...and they end up feeling better about themselves, better about how they see themselves and how others perceive them and the way they live. This is another example of an external change improving one's internal feelings.

On the flip side...

Let's say a person goes to therapy for years and ends up purging a lot of pain, and throughout that whole process, their behaviors begin to change on their own - their diet improves, their house gets cleaner, they accept their flawed face. This is an example of an internal change that improves one's external life.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

When you're having a problem, how do you KNOW how to tackle it? Do you reach in...and do the internal work...usually a long, slow, very slow process? Or do you make quick external changes to kind of PUSH yourself in the right direction?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Which came first, the chicken, or the egg?

Do we FEEL BAD....and then EAT?

Or do we EAT BADLY and then FEEL BAD?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I was a raw vegan for 3 years. I lost 175 lbs.

I began to eat cooked food again. Suddenly, life is stressful. Suddenly, I have trouble coping. Suddenly, everything overwhelms me.

Is it all the STUFF in my life sending my FOOD out of control? OR is it MY OUT OF CONTROL FOOD sending my LIFE out of control?

_ _ _ _ _ _

Am i a FOOD ADDICT who should look at COOKED FOOD like POISON, HEROIN or ALCOHOL? Am i really just caught in the throws of a powerfully addictive drug....COOKED FOOD? And i should just STOP...COLD TURKEY?

Or should i learn HOW TO LIVE WITH COOKED FOOD....Go to therapy, heal my inner child, learn how to control myself, learn how to live with cooked food, just learn how to cope?

_ _ _ _ _

I'm sorry to FAT and OUT OF CONTROL as I am....i'm sure i'm over 300 now...i still am not 100% sure of the answer.

Everytime i eat cooked, it snowballs out of control.

Why? Because i need to learn SELF CONTROL and SELF TRUST and KEEP it in my life?

Or because i'm an addict and CAN'T control it...and should RUN FROM IT like FIRE?

_ _ _ _ _

Every binge eating book would say i need to learn to eat cooked.

Yet my history would prove that in 42 years of therapy, Weight Watchers, 5,001 diets, i STILL never learned to control myself.

Does THE RAW FOOD diet make BINGE EATING WORSE, ultimately?

OR is it my SALVATION?

- - - - - -

All i know is: I have never recently felt so utterly BAD about myself, so utterly out of control, so ashamed of my weakness, of my weight gain, of my failure. I feel badly about ME, about how i look, about my life, my lack of accomplishments, my relationship, my family, my house, my finances.

NOTHING has changed SO drastically in my life that i should suddenly FEEL so AWFUL about me, except....MY DIET.

When i was raw for 3 years, my mother went through surgery. I lived in this old house that needs renovation. I had the same job. I was still with Cliff and not married yet. My family was still nuts. I was still in debt.

YET, I felt GOOD about me.

NOW, i feel HORRENDOUS about me.

Plus, now with cooked food, i'm smelly. My feet burn. I'm so fat i feel tighter in the tub, feel tighter in the kitchen chairs, in the car. My clothes feel tight. My bras feel tight.

Each experience of "external" dissatisfaction with where I'm at makes me feel HORRID. So, i eat MORE to make myself FEEL better...momentarily.

Or is it really ALL of the STRESSORS in my life: my mom's upcoming surgery, my family's depression, the 2 enormous catering jobs that feel like they are spinning out of this all DRIVING the eating?

Or is the EATING driving the STRESS???

All i know is this: I sang at the raw wedding last summer and was blissfully calm flying across the country to sing for strangers.

The only thing that's my diet.

xoxo michelle joy

1 comment:

Debbie said...

You are on to something.