Wednesday, April 7, 2010



It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. I just drank my green smoothie.

Oh, wow, my voice doesn't sound too bad (from reflux laryngitis, my chronic issue) upon waking. I took my Betaine HcL and the Diatomaceous Earth last night, which really seem to help it. I've been taking the D.E. regularly again. I stopped the E3Live. Gotta start that up again.

I worked on my opera again last night a good long while - worked on memorizing, and feel really really good and hopeful about it.

But, who am i kidding, I'm under a lot of stress right now. I'm planning two big catering jobs, i'm singing and memorizing an opera which i'm performing the next two Sundays, I'm singing a new concert on the 23rd of April, i'm taking care of my mom. [I still feel like I need to be here to make her smoothies, to make her salads, to make her dinner. Unfortunately, if i don't make it, I don't really think she will. It's a lot of burden on me, but she's doing better, so i'm happy to.] I think it's all just seriously working on me. No, no, i'm ALLOWING it to work on me. I must remember, we are not meant to REACT to life, but to be PROACTIVE. It's hard for me. It's a struggle.

Plus, I've gained weight, and that's a physical and emotional stress. I had been doing so good with my walking. Now, it's infrequent. And walking reduces stress. Hey, dummy, get movin'!

And the weight gain is predictable when i think about it. Sure, in this last 5 weeks of raw, i ate compulsively DAILY. EAch bag of Brad's chips is like 500 calories. Then when i went off and ate cooked, well, isn't any wonder i was STILL compulsive? Only with cooked food, the damage is greater. Jesus Christ, my feet and ankles swelled up like you wouldn't believe after that Filet 'o Fish sandwhich. I guess that was my body's way of saying get that shit outta me. Honest, no matter how much pizza or fries i've had when i've fallen, my feet and ankles never swelled up like that. That hasn't happened since it happened chronically, DAILY, as a 425 lb person. THAT was frightening. And frightening for it to happen again. But i should be grateful it happened. It was a wake up call. It's finally calmed down and my feet look and feel normal again.

Yesterday was bad with the food again. I ate what my mother ate for dinner: lima beans and brown rice and roasted veggies, only 3x as much as she did, which made me feel guilty, of course, and then later i binged at night: corn chips, cheese, yogurts, pretzels, cheese crackers. The hard thing about being here is there is so much crap food here. And if you're me and in this state, that's ain't goooood.

The only good thing is that i did it while i was studying my opera. At least i was studying. I took breaks to binge, and then resumed my studying.

I'm so sad and feel like crying as i write this. Sad i have to report this dissappointing behavior. Who the hell wants to read this shit? Sad I do this to myself and that i feel so out of control with food, that i get so out of control with food. I think i feel food helps me CONTROL how i feel. I think food helps me calm down. The 2 music things coming up have me on HIGH STRESS. I'm singing new music, 3 new songs, for the new concert at the Jewish Heritage Club, and will ony have one rehearsal, perhaps two, before the concert. I'm reacting. I'm just reacting. I have to turn that around.

Today i have a dental appointment. My teeth have been bothering me for a long while, since raw. I have enormous tooth sensitivity to hot and cold. It's awful. Has anyone ever experienced it? What does it mean?

You know, it occurs to me to plan my food online right now...and then i say to myself, "'s not even so much the FOOD... Like the old saying goes, "It's not what you're eating, it's what's eating YOU." ALOT of stress. ALOT of worry. Alotta fear. I have my class reunion in October. I wanted to be thin.

I'm on auto - pilot, just being ME...and i need to overcome my gluttonous, earthy, "Old Man" and get in contact with the "new man". (Christian terminology). We have so much power. I have so much power. So much ability. I just have to let IT lead me. And practically speaking, I need to work on things, on my music, stay pro-active and it will deflate the drive to eat.

I'm scared, too. I weighed myself this morning, 297.

Oh god. I was 253 in the summer. I feel ashamed and embarrased. But, I can't allow that. I have to love myself no matter what. I have to get out and walk and appreciate life and myself and what i DO do right.

Heck, I'm havin' a hard time, but i WILL get through this.

xoxo michelle joy

1 comment:

amy said...

AND NO, you shouldn't feel ashamed. First of all, you are in the centre of a stressful environment, the world is tugging you from all ends. You need to really think, and be in tune with your feelings. I'm really glad that you were honest in this post! You are definitely not alone. I don't know if you read the bible, but if you could maybe memorize one verse and start repeating it when you feel the urge to binge then it would really help you. It says that the word of God is like a double edged sword, we've been given that tool so we should use it! Also, ask Him to give you strength in your times of weakness.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
I'm with you on this issue, and it takes a while to overcome it. If you start having any thoughts prompting you to lose control, you need to mentally address them, and SHOOT them out of your head. I believe that you can do this, don't make rules for yourself, don't expect perfection, just progress :)