Well, after lots of thinking, praying, meditating, reading, sharing, talking, counseling.... with Susan Aman (my new coach), my own higher and lower selves, my eating disorder books, my family, friends, my coworkers, my loving partner, Cliff, etc..., going back in history and seeing my many, many, many, many failures - I realized trying to "legalize" cooked food was a losing battle.
I've been raw again for 2 days and am committed. It feels RIGHT. No stress, no strain. I've surrendered. [ahhhh! feels good!] Wavin' the white flag 'o surrender!!!! Woo hoo!
I remember years ago, I went to see an Eating Disorders Therapist, who informed me that it would take 5 years to learn to "legalize" food, and yes, weight gain, to overcome my binge eating disorder. Well, I'm not really up for that right now.
So, with no other hope in sight, i've returned to raw. Why?
The raw diet is:
- the only diet I have ever MAINTAINED ANY weight loss on
- the only diet i ever felt a more significant amount of control on
- the only diet i have been able to maintain for longer than...a WEEK!
- the only diet that relieves my fast food obsession
I've been reading all of my old eating disorder books, and this "legalization" process that they all suggest in order to overcome an eating disorder - seems hopeless to me. One is to take every possible binge food into the house and basically just learn to eat it until you're comfortable with it and process your emotions.
Well, if i had a therapist WHO LIVED WITH ME, maybe i could accomplish that. As i don't, the stimulation from cooked food is just too intense for me. It just tastes too good. I just eat myself silly.
I have come to terms with the fact that the amount of discipline needed to CONTROL COOKED FOOD for ME...is actually HIGHER than just saying GOODBYE to it. It's easier for me to have NONE, than just a little...
I'm preferring to see myself today as a COOKED FOOD ADDICT.
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No, raw food didn't take away all of my binge eating. I binged on raw gourmet food sometimes DAILY as a raw foodist. But, binge eating on raw food is BETTER for me than binge eating on cooked. For one, cooked is everywhere. The pits of despair you can fall to are much greater. There's pizza on every corner. Raw food is just more satiating and you don't need as much.
Plus, I never did the emotional work to work myself out of that.
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I really felt like i was NOT alone when i heard from "Sunny." Thank you, "Sunny!"
Thanks for your last blog entry, to which I can soooooo relate.
For me, legalizing foods doesn't work. If I binged on conventional junk food I would be dead by now, from suicide, if not obesity. I prefer to binge on fabulous gourmet and dehydrated raw foods because I want top quality, not crappy junk.
But in Los Angeles, I was starting to go for grains and bread and butter, trying to at lease keep it gluten free, but getting closer to not caring about that either. I almost made toast one day, and toast with butter for me would be like shooting heroin for a drug addict. I started up with the yogurt and cottage cheese too.
That's why [this upcoming] trip....scares me - I don't think I'll be able to avoid wheat and dairy.
Well, actually that's not true - I could avoid them if I was willing to speak my needs to my family. I told them I don't eat meat, but that I eat fish. I am too cowardly to really voice my needs and preferences because I'm afraid they'll think I'm weird, and it will inconvenience the people we are visiting with and staying with.
I'm also afraid of being hungry..., because I can't carry around my stash of raw food supplies for 4 weeks, so that's my excuse for giving in and eating food that I know is not in my best interest.
I tell myself that the trip is not about the food and what I eat, it's about spending time with relatives I either have never met or haven't seen in years and visiting...
The food in a way is irrelevant, but it's also not, because if I'm eating lots of trigger foods it'll diminish the trip.
It is so true that an eating disorder makes one's life small. I have not done so many things because I was afraid I wouldn't have access to food when I wanted it, and the bingeing has kept me from dealing with the fear, which really is behind most of the behavior and the feelings, as you wrote.
Food is fabulous for numbing out, it works really really well for me for a few minutes - so brief but oh so effective.
Food is the cruelest addiction because one has to eat to live.
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Big Hugs out to my new friend, "Sunny." We'll be talking more about her upcoming trip and how she can best take care of herself.
And, as for binge eating? Obviously, NO binge eating is the BEST binge eating, but...I think she's right. Binge eating gourmet RAW food - vs. - binge eating cooked junk? There is no comparison. YOU JUST GAIN FASTER & EASIER on cooked food. AND, bread and butter ARE like heroin. I agree.
ADVICE: You know what? If you're like US...just don't pick it up. If you're, like, normal...i think you can have it all. If you're not, you need to make sacrifices. Hell, I'd love to be a Nigella Lawson and adore food and have small portions and eat what i want...
But for today? I'm not there. I have to ACCEPT MY LIMITATIONS. How many times can you fall into the same hole? Soon enough you have to say to yourself, "I'm avoiding the hole..."
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My weight yesterday was 292. I did NOT go over 300, which i am elated about, and I INTEND to stay raw and lose the rest of my excess weight. i think i have turned an emotional corner. I'm ready to let go.
As of today, i have maintained a 133 lb weight loss. That's freakin' fabulous.
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I really like how all of the eating disorder books I have collected over the years delve into the emotional aspects of binge and overeating. There is some powerful stuff there, and I plan to work on these books....just as a raw foodist.
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I met with Susan twice since i last wrote. Once on the phone and once in person. Susan has graciously listened to me as I flip flop desires (I want to eat cooked food....to I can't eat cooked food anymore....) and has been with me every step of the way, listening, hearing me, loving me.
On our last meeting, she created a wonderful plan for my new raw diet...which includes luscious green smoothies, so many inspired salads and low fat raw meals, lots of sunshine and walking and loving and empowering myself. I feel really super hopeful.
Last summer was a joyous summer for me. I was doing 80-10-10, walking daily, reporting daily my triumphant walks all over manayunk. I have the most wonderful feelings about last summer. And you know what? This summer will be EVEN BETTER!!!!
No food tastes as good as EMPOWERMENT feels.
NOTE TO SELF: MEMORIZE THAT.
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Tonight i have a new concert and lots to do to get ready today.
xoxo michelle joy