Friday, April 2, 2010

Slip Slidin' Away

I had a cooked binge last night.

It had been over 5 weeks raw, maybe longer.

I'm really regretting the choices I made last night.

As i analyze what happened, i realize it was just a series of little slips leading up to one big fall.

I'd been doing relatively fine with my raw eating. I haven't been walking or trying to watch my weight. I've just been living raw as a compulsive eater. Some days were great and I didn't overeat that much. Other days, i would overeat a lot.

But, at least it was all raw.

The last 3 weeks, i've been sick.


Who knows. It just kept hanging on, and keeps hanging on.

Last night I had my opera rehearsal, so i was definitely stressed about that. After rehearsal, i really wanted to let off some steam. And that's when the binge happened. I guess i could have taken a WALK instead! It WAS a beautiful night.

What's worrying me, is I have to memorize the opera by next Thursdays final rehearsal. That has me concerned. I have about 1/3 of the opera memorized now.

Last night, we needed to sleep here at the house here in Manayunk for the first time in WEEKS. Cliff has things to do in town tomorrow, and my rehearsal was close to our house, so we decided to sleep here.

It's nice to be home, but the house feels strange and foreign, and not as comfy as my moms house for sure.

Plus, the fridge was bare, and all of my raw equiptment is at my mothers. I have two fresh apples for breakfast, but something about an empty fridge and no vitamix for my morning shake left me feeling very anxious.

I knew i had a huge day coming up at work today, which had me GREATLY concerned. I need to pull a 10+ hour day at work today and prepare special dinner as well as lunch. If i don't have help today, i don't know how i'm going to accomplish that.

Plus, i'm supposed to sing tonight, at the special dinner. (We're having our first FIRST FRIDAY at Arnold's Way). Since i've been sick, i cut myself a break and took off of the newsletter that i'd be singing, but, still, there may be the possibility that i would be asked. THAT had me concerned. I can sing, but it doesn't sound good. I've been sick.

Plus, I have to sing on Easter Sunday, which has me majorly concerned, because i still am hoarse from my cold, still.

Actually, i think what i'm experiencing now are spring Allergies. I am extremely allergic to pollen and mold. Being raw for 5 weeks didn't take that away. In fact, being raw previously for 3 years never took that away, yet.

Isn't this supposed to be pure raw JOY???? uy.

I made my mother steamed veggies and steamed potatoes yesterday morning and was picking at the potatoes, which really tasted good. too good. I know why people like potatoes.

Later, Cliff ordered a sandwhich with potato chips. And my brain said, "what's the difference between potato chips and steamed potatoes?" And i wanted one, but didn't take it.

Later, at the CVS, I wanted something snacky in the worst way. I chose a container of honey roasted almonds. Holy, moly. Obviously NOT raw. Well, now i know WHY people enjoy roasted nuts. They do TASTE ALOT better than raw nuts. And you can keep eating them way past when your stomach says it is full because they are so crispy and addictive.

I read about Jesse James' cheating ways in the "People" mag in the car. Poor Sandra Bullock. And finished the whole container of honey roasted almonds.

Kind of nausiating actually.

I resisted looking on the back of the can to see how many thousands of calories i'd just eaten.

Driving home from CVS, i thought about going to Dunkin' Donuts for that eggwhite flatbread sandwhich i like the last time i was binge eating cooked food (over a month and a half ago), then i talked myself out of it. "You'll regret it. You won't stop. You have a cold. You have to sing. You have a huge work day tomorrow."

But, when i got home, Cliff was busy, and the new bread and eggs and cheese I had just put in the fridge looked real good.

The frying pan from my last binge was STILL on the stove.

And then i spotted a Louie sandwhich (our dear neighbor, Louie, always rings the bell and gives us italian pastry sandwhiches he gets from Marchianos when he sees us.) This one was vegan with spinach and tomatoes rolled up kind of calzone style.

I knew Cliff meant to throw it away, like we usually do with all of Louie's sandwhiches, but he'd inadvertently left it out on the counter. Well, i dug in like old times. And then made myself a triple decker cheese and bread sandwhich.

And then it was midnight and I slept for only about 5 hours. And have such a huge day today.

Well, welcome to to pure raw joy!

Yes. I regret my decision. Only hours earlier had i been thinking how grateful i felt for getting over the hump of 21 days raw. I had gone through many, many cravings and didn't give in. And then, kind of out of nowhere, i did. And it wasn't even for any huge reason, like my dog dying or something. I don't even have a dog. It was really just probably for entertainment and to soothe my nerves and to let off steam. It's stressful being at my moms and tonight i wasn't and just kind of soothed myself.

I actually resisted writing about it because drawing attention to something often makes it worse, ala the secret, but I use this blog to document what happens with me so i can learn from it later. I hope one day to turn all of my writings and experiences into a book. But, i feel like my wheels are turning, but i'm not getting anywhere.

Yesterday, when we arrived home, it felt GOOD. I felt like i wanted to be here for the summer. And then i realized my mom still probably needs me. And maybe this conflict was raging inside?

Also, when Cliff ordered lunch from the corner store, i felt that very familiar pang of desire. That's the corner store where I buy binge food. And since there was nothing in the house, we both ordered lunch from there. When i walked the block to pick mine up, I also downed an orange soda while i was there. Very reminsicent of my binges. But i took home a raw veggie salad. Nevertheless, the little flirtation with binge eating was there.

So, i did it with the Louie sandwhich and the triple decker cheese sandwhich. I even have RAW CHEESE at home i was resisting because of my cold and allergies and because i have to sing.

Can i get over this? Can i pull myself back OUT before things snow ball?

I think so.

xoxo michelle joy

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