WHO SAID LIFE IS FAIR?

Shabbat Shalom!

Feelin' pretty bummed right now, so i wanna write through it.

Sometimes being a raw foodist is a challenge and I feel sorry for myself. Today is one of those days.

It was my cousin's Bar Mitzvah this morning - he did so great up there on the Bimmah doing his Torah portion, but the service was long and Cliff and I were both starving. We'd run out of the house without making our smoothie to get to the service on time. We couldn't stop at McDonald's for breakfast. What was i going to order? Germinated almond pate' on a flax bun?

The service was long, but afterwards I was thrilled to see beautiful grapes and strawberries on the kiddish table. I enjoyed 2 big bunches. Whew, relief.

The buffet was a typical Jewish style Brunch buffet with smoked fishes, blitzes, kugel, lox and bagels. When my eyes spotted the smoked kippered salmon, i wanted to cry i wanted it so bad. This is my heritage food. This is the food we celebrate with. Kippered fish is sooooo expensive, $25 or more a pound, and there was slice after slice after slice staring me in the eye. Blink, blink!

Kippered salmon is probably one of my alltime favorite foods on the planet. http://www.sausagemania.com/kippermania.html

[I just found out on the sausage making website (!!!) that kippered salmon is hot smoked fish, whereas lox is cold smoked, never above 90degrees. i coulda eaten lox if i wanted something raw at least!!!]

Anyhoo, fish was not in for today, unfortunately, boo hoo, sniffle sniffle, so I headed to the bagel toppers of sliced tomato, lettuce and cucumber and chose those, sans bagel. For me they would act as accompaniments to a raw mock 'egg salad' that i had in my raw bag'o'tricks that Cliff made sure to grab from the fridge for me before we left that morning. What a gem of a guy i have. Sweatheart, i adore you!

So, just quick about the mock eggsalad. Yesterday i stopped at Whole Foods and bought some raw prepackaged 'Awesome Foods' http://www.awesomefoods.com/ for the Bar Mitzvah because i knew there wouldn't be flax crackers and sprouted hummus for me. And if i'd have had nothing to eat, i could easily have gone off of raw, but since that's not an option for today, i cover myself. And when i forget to, Cliff covers me. I'd bought the raw mock eggsalad, a raw pizza, which i'd taken a bite out of, a kale salad, and bag of dehydrated flax wraps. I'd eaten one of the wraps already with 1/2 of the eggless salad. Look, see?

So, back at our table, i dug into my bag and plopped half of the container of yellow colored 'egg salad' on my plate next to the veggies before anyone got back to the table. Swift move, lady!

It was okay.

It wasn't kippered salmon, but it was ok.

It was kinda hard to watch my cousin, Sheryl, to my left, snacking on the table snack assorted roasted nuts. I wanted them.

Nope. Cooked.

And my dad drank a Bloody Mary, and I wanted one of those, too.

Nope. Cooked tomato juice. Not to mention the vodka....

I got some champagne instead. It was good.

After the 'eggless salad,' I got some more grapes from the kiddish table to fill myself up and enjoyed the company immensely, but somewhere deep inside i felt saddened to not be "able" to enjoy my old favorite cooked and Jewish foods.

Later on, i began to feel hungry again and snuck away to have the 'Awesome Foods' raw pizza so i didn't have to answer any questions at the table.

The 'eggsalad' had been surrupticiously plopped on my plate really without anyone noticing, but taking a big floppy raw pizza out of it's container in front of my 2nd and 3rd cousins was not something i was really thrilled to do, so i just snuck away.

'Awesome Foods' raw pizza IS good. It was. But i felt kinda like a freaky deak, and the synogauge maintenance worker was collecting folding chairs in the foyer, cleaning up after the kiddish, watching me eat, probably wondering what the hell that fat lady was sneaking out of the bag. If he only knew... It ain't Burger King, mister!

I sucked it up and back at the table enjoyed some more fruit for dessert and enjoyed more conversation.

I did really well!

So why do i feel so sad now? (Explanation comes later...)

_ _ _

On the way home, i was hungry again. But it was 3pm by then, so i think it was real.

I dug into the prepackaged kale salad from 'Awesome Foods,' and ate it without really enjoying it. It's not a great salad, not one of their best, it's just something to fill up on.

While Cliff was driving, I read the calories on the empty packaging of each thing i ate today and was surprised that calorically, 'Awesome Foods' are alot higher than you would think. 'Eggsalad' was 240 cals. The pizza was 440 cals. The kale salad was 210 cals. I'd had over 1000 cals including the fruit but was still hungry.

Was I hungry? Or wasn't I hungry.

I sat with it. i asked myself multiple times.

I was having "food thoughts," for sure, thinking about all of the things i could get to satisfy me, but i wasn't sure if i was actually hungry.

I contemplated getting a 15$ raw food platter at All The Way Live http://www.alllivefood.com/ when we'd pass by that way. I contemplated getting 2 small guacamoles to go from Adobe Cafe, a great local Mexican joint in Manayunk.

I determined I was indeed hungry and instead I ate the last of the raw treats in my bag, an empty flax wrap for 260 cals. Zhhhheeesh.

It was satisfying, but i felt kinda bummed. I mean a freakin' emtpy flax wrap for almost 300 calories. Raw food can be really high in cals. It's a little scary.

Knowing i'm listening to my hunger and addressing it makes me feel safe, but when i read the calories, i start to wonder. Am i really doing okay??? I've been losing weight following my hunger/fullness, and enjoying all raw food (gourmet and 811) in moderation.

I guess how well i'm really doing with weight loss will be revealed as i go along. I AM controlling my binge eating, so kudos Michelley for that. That's really THE most important thing to me.

After the flax wrap, i was still obsessing about getting some guacamole when i realized, 'heck, i'm not even hungry anymore!!!'

So, you know what happened? I got really, really sad and started to cry.

My mouth started talking without me ever realizing why i was sad. I'd felt quite a bit of deprivation today, and also a lot of sadness that i'm still such a heavy person. It makes ya a little discouraged sometimes... I mean i know how great i'm doing. Nobody else noticed.

Yeah, and oftentimes, just the bizarre dichotomy of being a big fat person eating freaking GRAPES when everyone else is enjoying delicious beloved normal foods in moderation makes me feel like such an imposter.

Most of my family doesn't KNOW how binge eating has destroyed my life.

I do this, i do this raw thing, so that i won't binge.

I'm trying to save my life.

It's hard medicine to take sometimes, raw, but seems necessary. What else am i going to do? Take anti-depressants? Shock therapy? Get my stomach cut out? Get a lobotomy?

I also had sad feelings today about us not being married yet, or having a baby. You know when you see family you haven't seen for a while everyone aks, "Nu...so when are you getting married, when will you have a baby?"

I'd really like to walk down the aisle with Cliff thin. My dream is for him to CARRY ME down the aisle after we say I do.

_ _ _

Still, I wish i could eat normally.

I don't think i can.

At least not today.

I think i'll get there this time on raw as long as i keep processing my days.

Hey, something funny - today it occurred to me i know what it feels like to be on Jenny Craig and to have to eat your meals from a box when everyone else is eating 'normal' food. It doesn't feel great.

Hopefully, the outcome and the end result will make it all worth it.

At least, I'm glad that i'm meditating http://www.fhu.com/ (the best meditation in the WORLD) again, so that i can be AWARE enough of my thoughts and feelings to not start grabbing for food compulsively and impulsively, when i really just need...a hug, and maybe some recognition.

Everyone just sees a fat lady eating grapes. They don't know what i've been through and that i'm now back on track, hallelujah, hallelujah!

I'm working a good program today. It's just not always easy. Mazel Tov, Cousin Trevor on your Bar Mitzvah!

xoxo michelle joy