Thursday, June 9, 2011



Today i had two slippery incidents, actually three, and some binge thoughts.

So, I was to have a singing lesson with a new teacher right outside of NYC. It was going to be a big day!

Cliff was kind enough to re-arrange his schedule to accompany me on the trip. What a gem of a guy I have!

We had our morning fruity shake together, yum, and he took a bag of fruity snacks along for us (what a good guy), and Cliff drove us to Trenton to take NJ Transit (the train) to our destination outside of NYC.

So, we get to the Trenton train station around 11:30 a.m. and we're both starving. I'd dug into the snack bag already for a few dates and Cliff had had a peach.

Time for lunch.

We found a train station cafe with salad. So, I ordered a garden salad. I watched as the guy made it and as the tongs approached things i didn't want, interjected, "No, no, no, please, no roasted peppers, no cooked corn, just raw veggies, no olives please (to avoid swollen ankles before my lesson)," and i directed him to the grape tomatoes instead of the thing that looked like cheesy tomato salad. He was annoyed.

I did very well halting him from cooked veggie-land with one exception. I saw the broccoli was par-boiled, but allowed him to put it on, anyway. Big deal, i thought, it's just broccoli.

I started munching on the salad, and Cliff asked if everything was just as i needed it. I told him the broccoli was cooked, but I didn't care, i was going to eat it anyway. Which i did.

It was good. I like cooked broccoli.

Before I ate the salad, especially SINCE it had cooked veggie, i asked God to especially bless it.

Whatever headspace I was in at that time, it felt ridiculous to be such a stickler and pick the broccoli out. I've done that before, pick out chick peas or cooked corn, just for the sake of CHOOSING raw. Today, i was dipping my toes in the pool and seeing what would happen.

Okay. An interesting departure after 2 weeks raw.

Actually, the WHOLE THING with RAW sometimes REALLY GETS to me because cashews are not really raw AT ALL, and so everytime i eat a raw pate' from Arnolds Way, i'm eating cooked food. So, what's the difference if i ate, say, a....pita pocket with veggies and hummus????? Seeing a young lady eating one made my mouth water. I was hungry and a little irritated at the whole 'salad is the only option' business today.



So, back to the train station.

Ooops! I forgot to tell you, I also had the balsamic vinaigrette on the salad, which contains cooked vinegar, and sugar, another little slip, two if we're counting. How can you not? I notice these little things. Yes, my consciounce convicts me, but I did it anyway, because I was hungry and at that point, I didn't much care. It seemed silly.

I realize I SHOULD have packed a meal for myself and been better prepared.

So, back to NYC. We sat in on the voice lesson of my friend, who had invited us to this new teacher, and then I had my own voice lesson, which was wonderful by the way, and then it was already 5:30pm, and I was BEYOND starving, I had just expended LOTS of energy singing opera and was only going on a salad.

I dug into the box of dates in the fruity snack bag. That held me until 7 o'clock.

We found a restaurant we thought would work - Mexican - they always have guacamole and lettuce and tomato.

I ordered the Ranchero salad like this: "No tortilla strips please, no cheese, no chicken, no corn, just salad and vegetables, with a side of guacamole."

Okay, i think i did well ordering.

I was asked what kind of dressing i wanted. "What's in the honey lime vinaigrette?," I asked.

The cashier didn't know.

"Okay, honey lime vinaigrette," I surrendered.

It's probably honey and lime. Duh!

The salad arrived with an assortment of cooked grilled veggies on top like eggplant and red pepper and onion.

Hm, I was thrown a wrench i hadn't expected! I was not in a combative mood, had already had the cooked broccoli slip, and frankly was Ms. Cooked Veggie at that point. They looked good, i wanted them. Plus, it was 7:30pm-ish, and i was so from Hunger-land, i could have eaten a cow. Honestly I didn't CARE, and had a 'what's the big deal' attitude. Besides, who doesn't like a grilled veggie on their salad?

The salad was absolutely delicious. Beyond beyond. Cooked veggies taste good.

One PLUS in my corner, I didn't use the honey lime vinaigrette which arrived in a container on the side. I could see it was sour cream based. That seemed more visibly off limits, all milky white. Sour cream is not even vegan, so...., I didn't even go there.

The cooked veggies seemed nebulous and harmless. What's wrong with a cooked veggie? And they were oh, so delicious. Honestly, if we go back to this restaurant again, i will have a hard time NOT ordering that EXACT salad again, it was so delish. Guac as a dressing and those cooked veggies. Those cooked veggies!

OH MY GOD, they were so GOOD!!! Succulent Eggplant, silky roasted peppers and carmelized onions~!!!!!!

"Oh, my God, what the HELL are you doing, gurl?" I brushed it off.

I also forgot to bless my salad.

I was still hungry after the salad, admittedly, and told Cliff i'd make myself a nice dessert when i got home because i still felt unsatisfied. If it were a raw restaurant i'd certainly have ordered dessert just then, but as there were no options for me, i placed my hopes on a banana whip at home.

We arrived home after a horrible downpour and after me falling asleep in the car.

Drowsily, i made my way into the kitchen to make myself the promised banana whip. I had a slightly naughty guilty feeling. I made the whip macademia chocolate, decadent like i was in the "mood" for.

The problem was, by the time we got home, and by the time i made the whip, i wasn't hungry anymore.

But i ate it anyway.

OOpps. Slip number 47, was it?

That was the first in two weeks that i ate something that i wasn't physiologically hungry for.

The practice of only eating when i'm hungry has been transformative. It didn't feel good to not follow that God-given rule.

And now, I ate a banana whip with macademia and chocolate because i wanted it. You know what? I didn't even enjoy it. Such an amazing treat and it didn't even taste good, because food tastes 1000x better when you're hungry than when you're not.

Moving along....

Incredibly tired from the lesson, my head whirling and thinking about food as i layed on the couch after the whip, i realized i was in trouble. I had my first binge thought. "What if when Cliff goes to bed, i hit the fridge for some 'fun?,' i asked myself.

DANGER!!!! DANGER!!! DANGER!!!! - A big siren rang in my head, along with a familiar homegirl voice that cautioned, "Gurl, you iz headed down the WRONG path! Do NOT go there, sista!"

I rolled over on the couch and fell asleep, a better choice than starting the whole binge cycle again after two weeks of doing so well.

1:30 a.m. i wake up to poop, such is the life of a raw foodist, and here I am.

Gotta wind this up and get back to bed, but a few thoughts first.

1) I dont' think there is anything WRONG, per se, with cooked veggies, other than the fact that i like them. And that i tend to take a FOOT when i give myself an INCH. Will today be a one time incident, or will it lead to more cooked veggies? Cooked veggies Daily??? And where will that lead? On the other hand, Dr. Fuhrman recommends cooked veggies. Am i just being silly to be so legalistic? Joel Odhner, a raw food chef, eats cooked. Actually he said he was going to eat a slice of PIZZA for dinner. Questions. Questions. When your head is not settled, it's a scary place to be. Being in a questioning mode again is not good for me.

2) I DO think that eating when i'm not hungry is not satisfying and a VERY bad practice to get into. I didn't even enjoy the banana whip as i had hoped to. It would have been better to wait until the morning, because waking up starving is always such a satisfying thing.

3) I tend to have problems the days i get weighed. I weighed in today at 346 ish. I calculated i lost 9 lbs since last week, and 30 in all, over 2 weeks. Pretty awesome, but weigh-in days are historically troublesome. What, do i want to sabotage my success????

4) The new voice lesson was GREAT but comes with some fear. Am i headed in the right direction with this new teacher? Gotta be aware of emotions. The underlying fear, frustration of the newness, can tick off a binge if i let it.

5) My eating disorder is truly at it's core a thinking disorder, isn't it? It's not that cooked veggies are BAD and CAUSE binge eating. Do they? I don't believe that they do. It's where MY DISORDERED HEAD goes with them. Maybe yours doesn't. For me, it's today cooked veggies, tomorrow hamburgers. Can i allow today to be an isolated event and get back on track without derailing? Is ON-TRACK 100% raw? Then, i'd better really be serious. And can i continue to CHOOSE raw after tasting something yummier than raw veggies, succulent grilled veggies? (Yes, they taste better than raw). Can i choose uncooked next time we visit this same restaurant or will the dissappointment kill me?

6) Wo, wo, wo, wo, hold on here! Tanya Zavasta says COOKED FOOD IS ADDICTIVE. And, this online-raw-guru-guy named Roger Haeske says the same thing. So, if cooked food IS addictive, that would make cooked VEGETABLES addictive, and that would make ME a cooked veggie addict, wouldn't it? Soooooooooo....unless i STOP it now, i could lanslide back to hamburgers and depression awful quick.

Ppppppffffftttt..... Time for a deep breath. A time to re-evaluate, to pray, to bring this matter before the Lord and say, "Whattaya think, big guy?"

Incidentally, i met a gentleman who goes to OA at the train station. We chatted, started talking about weight loss. He's lost 140 lbs going to OA. "Have you ever heard of it, OA?," he asked. "Oh, sure," I answered. "I used to go to OA for many many years." I told him i've now lost about 80 lbs, that i had gained alot over this last year and a half and that now i eat a lot of fruit.

He suggested I re-try OA.

Do you think that was a prophecy? Or a foreshadowing that i was going to fuck up and that i'd BETTER take heed and think about the addiction aspect of food, again?? You know, in OA they say, "Don't take that first compulsive bite."

This is what the gentleman said to Cliff. He was one of those guys that talked without you having to answer. He answered himself. PS. His name was John. ("You know, from the bible," he commented.) "Hey, fella, what are you eating there?," as he spotted Cliff chomping on cookies. "Ah, Chips Ahoy chocolate chips? Man, they're good. They look good! Nahhh, I can't eat those no more. I used to eat BAGS full. And you know what? Cheese? Can't even have a slice! If i buy a pound, i eat the pound. Can't even have a slice. Uh-uh. Not for me anymore. Man, those cookies look good. Wanna gimme one? Nahhh....I've lost 140 lbs on my program. I want one'a those cookies, but i can't go THERE anymore! OA really saved me."

I admitted, it sounded just like me. Give an inch. Take a foot. One slice of cheese? Eat the whole pound.

Some of us are just addict types. [And then there are the NORMAL folks, like Arnold, like Joel Odhner, and people i work with at Arnold's Way who indulge in cooked from time to time with no negative consequences or violent downslides back to burgers.]

The mind-set that it's okay? Didn't see me going back to burgers today, but I had the binge impulse. Better to stay on the safety of the beach than to go out into waves again, tumbling all around dangerously. You know what i mean? We gotta SEE these things coming. We gotta really be aware of where our headspace is and set it straight if it goes off track.

Yawwwwnnnn..... Sleep well!

More tomorrow!

xoxo michelle joy

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