Monday, June 13, 2011


Good day!

Today was a lovely day so far :-) It was my 20th day raw and my 1st day of getting back to formal exercise. When I returned to raw this time, my health was in a pretty bad way and my weight was bad, back in the 370's (i'm in the 340's now), so I knew I'd need to give myself some time before I felt i could start exercising formally. The past few days I've been wanting to begin, but today I finally did it.

I went out for a walk while Cliff was out riding his bicycle, which he's returned to almost daily for the last 2 months. I'm very proud of him.

We timed it so as he was returning home on his bike, I was heading out. We met on Main Street for an iced tea.

I was emotional, weepy. He asked why I looked so down and stroked my cheek. My knees and ankles didn't feel great on the walk, and my voice is hoarse. He held my hand and comforted me while we sipped our teas.

The hoarseness really scares me. Is it reflux? Allergies? I'm not taking meds now. Maybe i'll have to start up with the Betaine HCL again for the reflux. In my afternoon smoothie, I used local raw honey today because I've heard it can help to build immunity to the pollen.

The hoarseness is either one of those two causes, or it's dehydration, but I really pumped up the fluids yesterday. I drank a ton of freshly made watermelon juice and at least 4 bottles of water.
The only other possible cause is the new singing lesson I had last week. Opera singing, which is usually LOUD, must be accomplished correctly, using the body correctly, using the diaphragm and the abs for support, otherwise, incorrect tensions can cause inflammation to the delicate vocal cords. It's a possibility this teacher is too much of a pounder for me. We worked me pretty hard at the lesson and it might have been too much for me or i wasn't accomplishing it correctly and he didn't correct me.

Cliff and I will head out to North Jersey one more time this Wednesday to give the new teacher another try. We'll videotape the lesson, and make some kind of determination if this new teacher is for me or not.

We finished our iced teas, and since my knees had been bothering me, Cliff offered to ride home and come pick me up in the car, instead of me having to walk home up the big hills of Manayunk. We agreed that i would walk to the end of Main Street, far far down to the movie theater, and he would pick me up there. That would be a 1.5 mile walk.

It worked out great, better than i expected. I enjoyed the walk, talking to Susan, my catering partner, on the phone, and the weather was delightful. My knees and ankles felt much improved, my mood was lifted and I ended up walking much more than i had planned to.

When he picked me up, we went downtown to pick up a cheap case of bananas at the Italian Market. We let them ripen and then we freeze them for our smoothies.

We had lunch at our favorite mexican place by the Italian market. I got the large tossed salad with no cheese or corn, and the guacamole, without cheese. It's a yummy lunch, always a favorite. Salty, but good.

When I got home, i gave my new patio plants a haircut, spending close to 2 hours deadheading and taking dead leaves off of the new hanging petunias, which were on sale because they were in such horrible shape. I knew i could whip 'em into shape!

It was actually a sincere delight. A butterfly flew right up to a petunia petal and stuck his whole head in! Bees were buzzing around and a spider climbed on my leg. I enjoyed every little creature and every minute of being out in the sun and with nature on my city patio!

I'm hungry now, so i think i'll make some zucchini spaghetti. Yum.

The rest of the afternoon, i'd like to get some laundry done and straighten up the downstairs. I don't really FEEL like it, but the untidy-ness has been bothering me.

Oh, this morning, when i woke up, I finished watching BIUTIFUL with Javier Bardem, a "Ritz" movie (a "Ritz movie" is an art film, not a commercial film. Philly people who love The Ritz, the arthouse moviehouse in Philadelphia, would understand that). BIUTIFUL is in spanish, long, and 3/4 of it didn't make sense until the entire movie ties up at the end, and everything finally made sense.

It made me think how watching a good foreign film where it takes a long, long time for everything to make sense is kind of parallel to going raw. Watching the movie, you don't understand the plot, the characters, you're kind of annoyed because things don't make sense, but you hang in because there is enough incentive to make it worthwhile. Finally, when the plot truths are revealed, you are so glad you hung in because you finally understand everything and you realize what a journey it was to get to the end, not only for you, the watcher, but for the characters.

Javier Bardem is an amazing actor and he was interviewed in the Special Features section of the DVD. On the interview, he says how making the movie was like climbing a mountain. He says, "You know how when you climb a mountain, you must be asking yourself, "Why am i doing this?" and you must want to quit very often. But when you get to the end, you're so glad you stuck it out? Making this film was like that. It was long and exhausting and I learned many lessons, I'm not sure which lessons i learned, but i know i'm very happy I made the film."

These words, meant just to describe his difficult process in making the film, meant so much to me. To me, they were a wise advice. They said: hang in there with raw, give it a chance, let the questions asking why we're doing this come and go without giving in to cooked, acknowledge the feelings that you want to quit, but don't, because when you get to the end, you'll be so much better for it.

Cliff and I were looking at pictures last night. I liked the way i looked when i weighed 270ish. I looked almost normal! Plump, but almost normal. I liked the way i felt! My face looked beautiful! I was shapely! I'm only....75lb away from that goal!

I wanna get there again and not give up until i do!!!

Heck, i'd like to go further this time and make it all the way down to 150-180!!!

Now that i'm addressing my binge eating by following hunger/fullness, and am back to eating raw, and am back to exercising, i think i finally have a chance.

But i can't give in to the daily doubts, the daily temptations, the daily confusions that come and go. Like a weed in the dirt firmly planted, that's how i've got to be. Not like a weed in sand that you can pull out easily with any distraction.

Writing here, and meditation help. So does the positive feedback of feeling so damned better. My ass fits on the toilet again. I can wipe myself better again. My new size 32 pants are loose around the waist.

I feel PRIDE in myself today.

I'm not depressed anymore.

I may feel SAD, but i'm not depressed. There's a BIG difference.

Oh, in my conversation with Susan, i was telling her how much better I feel on raw. "It's like night and day," i said. You know, what i eat binge eating, HUGE amounts of food, turn to poison in the gut, i'm sure. I mean, i pack it in. Insane amounts of food. Not having all of that poison in my system, overloading my system with all of that, i feel so so so much damned better.

And, she expressed how much better she feels on mostly raw, totally gluten free, eating sardines and cooked quinoa for breakfast, raw salads for lunch and dinner, maybe some cooked beans, and yes, fruit for snacks and smoothies.

She said, "We all have to find out what works BEST for us."

I said, "Amen, sister." We ALL have different bodies and have different needs.

So far, I'm feeling elated that i'm back on raw.

I'm not always happy that my ankles are swollen nightly when i eat salt, but maybe that will cool down with the exercise and with the increased fluid intake.

All in all, I'm pretty certain today, at least, that this is where i need to be.

I'm praying for all of my friends who struggle with their diet, but want the health benefits of raw - I know you can find some way to do this that works for you. No one says you have to be all raw, unless you do. If you listen to that quiet voice within, you know what's best for you.

"There is no doubt about it, though," said Susan, a Registered Nurse, "that raw vegetables and fruits have the most nutrition per calorie than any other food. No matter what you add to them, raw veggies and fruits are just plain healthy for you."

xoxo michelle joy

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