Wednesday, June 22, 2011


Morning, friends,

Here's some new things for you:

NEW VIDEO: Michelle and ARNOLD talk at ARNOLD'S WAY:

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Hi there, sweetheart Ilona! How are you and Craig? Are you still raw? Last time we talked you were raw over 3 years. Have you been back to OHI ( I was raw 3.5 years and fell off over a year ago. I'm back on track eating raw 4 weeks and a few days. I had gained over 120 lbs. I have lost 31 again so far, and 81 total now. I had lost 175 lbs... I wish i could go back to OHI!!! Say hi when you can and give me the update!
xoxo michelle

Michelle, I was a mirror to you. We fell off the raw wagon about a year ago and i gained 65 lbs and Craig gained a lot also. Recently, I went back to raw, just doing seed cheese, sprouts, granny smith apples and cinnamon, and I lost 35 lbs. Since then, i have stayed mostly raw, except for roasted salted peanuts, and kippers occasionally. I broke my hip, so i eat the kippers for the omega 3s and because my protein is low and i think i need it to heal. But i've let go of all other cooked food because arthritis set in after 6 months of SAD and 65 lbs extra of carrying around. So even though i am tempted by pastries and sweets, the pain is a great deterrant. I too really want to go back to OHI, but they won't accept any more missionaries that have been before and i can't afford full price. We just got a a 5 lb box of dates from the date company that taste just like those delicious barhi dates that we had there.
Love, Illona

Ilona, it's so good to hear from you! As we speak, i came to the library to write because i was so emotionaly upset over my lunch.

We went to mexican and i got a plain salad with 2 sides of guacamole, which i plopped on the salad, and i used balsamic vinaigrette on my salad, too.

I really contemplated the best way to get lunch and feel like i failed. Balsamic is cooked. So what would have been the big deal with getting the cooked veggies they put on my salad last time?

The guacamole had salt in it and i've been salt free for about 4 or 5 days..., so i'll gain, and all of this avo was too much fat.

I HATE this mental insanity about my weight. Cliff was eating rice and beans and i was left wondering if it wouldn't have been in my best interest in terms of FAT content to have gotten cooked veggies and black beans on my salad instead of 2 portions of guacamole. A little rice and unlimited beans and cooked veggies are allowed on Dr. Fuhrman's diet...but 2 sides of guacamole aren't.

I just get so confused sometimes. I just get competing philosophies in my head from time to time driving me crazy, causing me to question, and feel guilty, and feel bad. Why can't i feel GOOD about my choices???

Guacamole is raw, yes, but the big focus in everything i am being exposed to lately is LOW FAT, LOW FAT, and i feel like i just failed, even though i am on my way to 5 weeks raw. Failed is a strong word, but that's how badly i felt after my lunch. I guess i'm just overly emotional. I even cried in the car after lunch, after getting over the intense feelings of wanting to go for a binge first. Crying was an outlet for the frustration that USED to be binge eating. I made it THROUGH that, at least. THAT was an accomplishment to want to binge, but not do it, i came through it emotionally, and....cried. I was also upset because i knew i "should" exercise, but didn't "want" to, especially after "fucking up" at lunch. So i made Cliff drop me off at the library so i could write and try to overcome this episode, and then do the 20 mins walk home. So i did good, but it wasn't easy. I still ate too much fat.

Anyway, i haven't lost much weight because i'm eating a lot of fat and i haven't been exercising much.

I wish i could just reverse time and be back to that blessed mindset i had at OHI, that as long as it's raw, its healthy and good. I rarely felt guilty eating anything raw there or at the raw places i frequented where i ordered guacamole ALWAYS, then an entree, then dessert! I BELIEVED i would lose weight from it...and I did!

Now, the more I "know," (knowledge is a dangerous thing), i'm full of insecurity, fear, doubt, anxiety when i eat and feel bad afterwards for doing the "wrong" thing.

Bring me back to that state of blessed assurance and peace in raw! I can't take it. I had such hope, such trust, such faith in raw. I never thought of ANY of it as high fat or fattening. I just so happened to walk my butt off and swam so much it never became an issue. And i didn't walk "to lose weight," I walked because it felt good! I had no car, so i had no choice!

I am really mentally off - I get sooo down on myself, and then i don't WANT to move, walk, exercise. I've got to get moving again, exercising.

Oh, I miss you!!! We had such a great time at OHI, didn't we? Give yourself a big hug from me and please one to Craig! You guys are the BEST. Love you! So sorry to hear about your falling off of the wagon, too.

It stinks. Now i am almost 100 lbs more than i was at my lowest and i feel so discouraged. i just have to MOVE and do the best i can with the fat. Probably more important to move and exercise than watch the fat.

Anyway, what are kippers? sardines? my friend who is mostly raw eats canned sardines and quinoa cooked, for bkfast, and she eats raw the rest of the day, and she said she never felt better. go figure!

How is the brain hemmoraging? did that return with the SAD diet?

One good thing, now that i'm back on raw, my snoring left. So, something is working, even if the weight is a burden, physically and emotionally.

Oh, i love dates, but i've read it's not good if you're trying to lose weight, either.

I wish i could just turn off my head and stop reading things about how to lose weight on raw. One guru says only 1 banana a day an no high glycemic fruits. The other guru says eat only bananas, nothing else. The other guru says eat bananas and dates all day and you should lose. The other guru says eat unlimited cooked beans. I despise this state of mental confusion I fall into constantly.

Yet, i long to know the ANSWER, the SECRET to thinness again. Why was it so easy before?

I think the ANSWER is raw COUPLED WITH INTENSE EXERCISE, because I visited the raw restaurants frequently and indulged guiltlessly in guacamole each time...and still lost 140 lbs! With all of that walking and swimming, i probably could have eaten cheese pizza and would have lost weight.

I think hardcore exercise is the big missing link. Look at all of the exercise they do on EXTREME MAKEOVERS - hours a day. That's what i did at OHI! I walked and walked and walked. I need to really focus my energies there.

I am a binge eater, so when i get upset, i eat. That's why i came to the library, to write, so i wouldn't go eat something!!! Much love to you and Craig! keep in touch.
xoxo michelle

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Hey there Baby girl,
I know things are looking up for you now. I'm glad that you are finding some sembilance of peace in your raw walk.
I've been following you daily or as often as you post and praying for you.
I really liked your stand at the bbq. I wonder if I would have made it. But, you prepared and had Cliff by your side and you made it.
It really is a daily walk. I'm glad that you're exercising too. I haven't made it that far yet. I need too but, I haven't had a breakthrough yet.
I watched your opera singing video again and was amazed again., You are so gifted girl. kudos to you.

I've finally found a place of peace in my food/weight/overeating/bingeing/etc part of my life.
I've learned to love and really like myself just like I am now. If nothing never changes I'm okay.
I'm finally happy with my hair and I wear it any way that I want and I'm comfortable with how I look now.
That was a big thing for me. My hair had thinned so badly in the top but it's filled back in again and I'm so happy.
The gray streaks running through it look great and I'm glad to have made 59 years old and feeling relatively healthy.
It's almost like a big weight was on my head and I was just dragging through life.
I rejoice daily that I'm feeling better and looking good. I take MSM (grows your hair, nails and strengthens your bones and skin) and reishi mushroom caps for my joint pain and my knees are feeling much better.
I think that diminishing of the knee pain really revived me totally. Pain can just overwhelm your life.

I eat fruits in the morning and at noon I eat some popcorn and at about 4 pm daily I eat a meal usually a sandwich with lots and lots of veggies on it . I get off work at 6pm and after i get home at about 8 pm I eat fruit and water.
I'm finally at peace within. All of the years of struggle are over. The mental anguish is over. I'm just amazed. I'm at peace.

I know that my glucose levels are going down and my weight is slowly decreasing.
But, I'm not giving the weight thought anymore. I really just wanted to feel better, if I lose the weight or not I really don't care anymore. My well-being is what's important.
I was so consumed with the idea of being thin or losing 100 pounds that I couldn't think of anything else.
Now my thoughts are about serving others. I going to volunteer at a school in the fall, since my job will be ending soon here.
I love being around children and being of assistance. So I'll be taking my roommates son to school and while he's in school I'll be volunteering and then after school we'll come home together. So It's a new adventure for me.
Michellle, Pray for me please as i pray for you and your Cliffy. Our lives are going to get brighter and brighter, girl!!!!
Love you.

Glenda \i/ Praizin' Him !

Dear Glenda, i just smile and smile as i read your writing. You are full of love! Wear your hair any way you like it, sweetness, you are GORGEOUS in my eyes, mind, body and SPIRIT! i adore you! Maybe i will try MSM for the thinning hair, and take a BIG cue from you and STOP focusing on weight and start focusing on my well being (which is much improved), and on serving others. Mental anguish is the right way to describe it! I am SICK of it! I love you and will write you back. xoxo michelle

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SNIPPETS FROM SHERYL, my email friend who is doing Dr. Fuhrman's plan

Michelle, Boubie, being upset with your messy house is a trigger just like anything else that pushes your buttons can be a trigger. So since you know that this is a trigger for you, rehearse how you will respond to that the next time you see it and react that way. Doing this will change the previous destructive internal programming. The Buddhistic way of looking at the mess is to not make a judgement about the mess in the first place, but to simply, upon becoming aware of the mess and the dirtiness, to clear the mind completely and just tackle what is possible to begin to clean up the mess, for example. It's just doing what is required at the moment to simplify your life. The whole idea is to move out of judgement to self or other. Jim always says in yoga class, "It's only practice." We need to take that into our daily lives. Life is only just practice. It's about how we go about doing anything. It's not about our achieving any special goal. It's not about the end result. It's about how we respond to what we confront in our lives on a moment by moment basis. Love and Hugs, Sheryl

I hope you enjoyed hearing from my friends! I hope at least something was insightful to you and will help you along your journey. We will hear more from Sheryl tomorrow. She is so wise!

Wishing you a blessed day.

xoxo michelle joy

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