Wednesday, June 29, 2011


Hi there, Bloggies,

Hope you are all doing well. Say HI and let me know how you are~!

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I'm having a good day!

I went for my singing lesson today! We drove to Trenton, NJ to take the train to my new singing teacher's house outside of NYC.

You know what? He really thinks I can have a professional singing career. He was a professional opera singer in Germany and sang with sssooooo many famous people I know from recordings and the world of opera. This guy is GOOD, in the KNOW, and knows what he's talking about! And says I'm GOOD!

This marvelous confirmation about my talent feels so empowering. (I always knew i was special, aw shucks!) Honestly, admidst all of the insecurity and fear and through the debilitating eating disorder, my talent was always something I wanted to believe was true. Now Arturo is teaching me how to really USE my voice to it's full capacity, with skill. Finally, I might have a shot!

Being this involved again in pursuing opera feels like water to my thirsty spirit. It's as if a part of me was dead when i was lost in binge eating and severe depression and weight gain, just eating and eating. Now, having come out of that dark, black hole, into the LIGHT of raw, of movement, of hope, of singing lessons again, of a possible bright future where all of my dreams could come true, feels inspiring and amazing.

We are working on choosing audition arias! For AUDITIONS!!

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After the 2 hour singing lesson, I was cooked! I slept in the car on the ride home! Wiped out!

I got home and felt exhausted for a while and like i'd never recover, but couldn't sleep, slouched dreary eyed in front of the TV, flipping channels.

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About an hour or two later, i actually felt refreshed and decided to take a walk in the neighborhood, since it was still light out, and the heat of the sun had retreated and there was a pleasant cool breeze. I felt like walking and I wanted to feel the breeze on my skin. Imagine, a couch potato like me, getting out there 7:30 at night.

I walked with no real expectation of where i'd go. I didn't know how much energy I'd have.

At the beginning of the walk, i felt weak, but I continued. As i continued on, I felt like continuing on! I didn't have tons of energy, but enough to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

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Some college kids drove by and shouted at me out of the car window. They startled me and I stopped scared and snapped my head around to hear. "What were they saying?" Oh. They were making fun of me. :-((

People can be so cruel. There am i trying to do something good for myself. What immature idiots.

You know, fat people have it bad. The world wants you to be skinny and they think treating you like shit will get you there. People make fun of you and stare at you and don't give you jobs you deserve and treat you worse than other people.

I decided to be bigger than them and to not react or let it get me down. I kept walking, but still, it hurt.

Eh, i couldn't stop thinking about it.

I walked even farther, like, on purpose, because i could, so as to say, "You see, you idiots, i'm doing something good here. I am worthy. And you're not!"

The fat have become bitter. But we gotta let that go.

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I walked all the way up to Ridge Ave, wow. Then down Ridge, and back home. A few minutes after the shouting thing, i'd forgotten about it already and was just walking because it felt good and because i had the desire to and because my legs could do it and because i had a goal in mind, the top of the hill, Ridge Ave. That was some hell of a walk uphill! Like the old days, my long walks in Manayunk, to the market and back.

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It occurred to me what a wondrous unity of mind and body walking is. The rhythm of my legs is very meditational. Listening to the birds, looking at the flowers. I'm at peace when i get into a good rhythm. The movements of my legs taking me on the way, and the thoughts in my head are centered on what i'm seeing, and my ears are hearing what i'm hearing. I'm at peace. I'm united. I'm one.

I'm not disjointed, eating fried chicken, but secretly upset about something else. No, no, i'm not at peace then.

This? This walking? THIS is peace.

Don't let the fried chicken fool you. You will NOT feel better afterwards. You will feel worse.

Walking? You THINK you'll feel worse afterwards.

You know what?

You'll feel BETTER!


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At first, there are always the resistant thoughts, but they dissappear the longer you go.

Then you enjoy. You are giving yourself such a TREAT to walk out in nature! Fuck those kids. They were driving. They didn't know what they were missing.

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I walked through the park. Some old bums made my day, and waved hello to me, "Hey darlin!," said the one. The other, "Hey, baby." The third, "How ya doin', sweetheart?" I greeted them warmly.

THere is some goodness still left in the world. Smiling, happy bums. Who woulda thunk it?

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Raw has returned me to a level of fitness i never thought i'd have again, this ability to walk, and walk, and walk. I feel like i'm tapping into this strength that was always there, i just couldn't access it.

I'm so glad to be off cooked.

I'm back on the beach, as Valerie would say. "Why do you wanna be out there in the waves, floundering around? The beach is safe."

- - -

I felt powerful with singing and with exercise today.

I am powerful. I just don't always act like it.

Arturo, my teacher, listened to my singing from the concert on my recorder. I wasn't very happy with the outcome. He said, "Oh, it's not bad, but you're singing with half of your voice."


Isn't that just like me to have all of this strength, all of this power, and to not USE it.

What am I afraid of? Being too fabulous?

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My legs twitch after walking. My feet have twitchy spielkes. They want to move and i shake them to relieve the nervy feeling. Spielkes is a yiddish expression that means jumpy. The nerves are coming back to life and want to move. I used to get this in OHI. Sometimes i'd have spielkes so bad that i'd lay in bed just kicking my legs around to get myself to sleep. My body was tired but my legs were awake!

If i'd not gone for a walk tonight, i'd have told you i didn't feel like it.

I didn't.

Until i got going.

Then i felt like it.

God we are such chickens. What we can do if we only push ourselves.

It was good of me to set the goal to exercise daily.

_ _ _

Tonight i have yoga. I'm returning to yoga again and feel happy for it. I considered myself too fat and bloated and took a long sabbatical. Being raw again, and a little lighter, i'm excited to see if i can do the stretches and poses better. On cooked, i had no energy and could honestly do very little. It was more than disconcerting. It was downright depressing to go week after week and just lay there because i couldn't participate. Hopefully, tonight will demonstrate that i'm back on track in more ways than one.

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Once you go raw, your body wants you to stay raw. You crave it.

Once you start to exercise again, your body propels you forward. It WANTS to move.

It's a pretty awesome feeling.

5 weeks raw...and counting!

_ _ _

For bkfast, I had chocolate raspberry banana smoothie with Cliff.

At the train station, we snacked on nectarines.

In the train, i was so hungry, i had 2 homemade chocolate macademia nut balls. They felt like a good match to my intense hunger.

After the lesson, we snacked on grapes which didn't cut the intense hunger, but we were excited to head to CALIFORNIA TORTILLA BOWL on Roosevelt Blvd, our "LINNER place" for after the lesson, so we stayed STARVING until we got there. It's a nice reward to reward starving with a yummy dinner!

I get the plain Southwestern salad, no tortilla strips, no corn, no cheese. It comes with a little guacamole. I get extra on the side, and salsa for my dressing.

I brought soaked germinated pumpkin/sesame/sunflower seeds with, which i sprinkled on my salad. If i hadn't, i'd have still been STARVING. I felt very satisfied afterwards!!

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The amount of fat i ate today seemed in accordance with my level of hunger. I'm not sweating it.

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I popped 2 Betaine HCL digestant tabs after linner because my tummy felt a little funny. I think it was all of the jalapeno! The enzymes will help me digest.

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Later, i had 1/4 of a medium watermelon. Was good!

- - - -

I'm losing weight again.

I'm NOT weighing myself. I don't want to torture myself. Better to not know and just think positive thoughts about losing. I can tell in my clothes.

When i've weighed myself in the past and it's not as much as i thought i should lose, i give up and binge. Like that's gonna help me lose weight FASTER?

NOT weighing is MUCH BETTER. I'm more productive! I KNOW that inch by inch, walk after walk, raw after raw, i'll lose.

I'm choosing FAITH.

The exercise is really working! I know i'm on track. My clothes are baggier.

I'm not believing those asinine messages I send myself that say exercise won't make a difference.

It does. A HUGE difference.

_ _ _

It dawned on me that Dustin Kellogg, who lost over 100 lbs , and who ate gourmet raw to do it, must have been burning alot of calories during this weight loss, even though he did not formally exercise. He still did his tattooing, which burns up mental and physical energy, he paints murals, very physical. He draws and paints. He revamped the bus into the raw bus. All of that carpentry and construction. He burned up a lot of energy, even though he may not have been doing "sit ups" and "jogging in place."

It finally dawned on me that if i want to eat moderate amounts of raw fat and indulge in gourmet from time to time, and enjoy it, and still lose weight, i'd better get moving.

And i couldn't be HAPPIER about it! I feel so empowered! I can DO this! I'm losing weight! Eating fat! Woot, woot!

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No more raw deprivation diets. NO MORE! They only lead to binge eating.

I haven't binged in 5 weeks! This is something SERIOUS people. Gone are they days i used to blog about losing 30 lbs eating no fat, and then gain it back in 4 days eating 7 bags of Brad's Raw Chips, a block of raw cheese, 1/2 raw pie, etc... all in one sitting.

Those days are GONE.

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At work last week, i did get into trouble, snacking WAY more than i should have, but it still was not as bad as the worst times i've had at work, where i am finished work and i'm devouring bags of nuts and containers of raw cheese and raw bread on the ride home.


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Today and tomorrow at work, i ask the Lord, to help me keep LIGHT.

Friday night, we have a marvelous celebration at HORIZONS CAFE in Center City before it closes! 13 of us Arnold's Way folks are all gathering together. I pre-ordered a raw meal for myself, and two others who are strict raw foodists, and I am going to "earn" my gourmet raw treat with 2 light days at work!

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I drank a good amount of water today.

I took 3 bm's this morning! Same yesterday. Something is really moving in me.

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Exercise helps weight loss on raw, too, because it helps move the food through your system faster. When you weigh in, or put your clothes on, there's less food in your gut weighing you down or plumping you out! DRINK WATER!

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Ah, well, those are all of the thoughts for today.

How i enjoy sharing myself with you.

Wishing you a wonderful day!

xoxo michelle joy


Debbie said...

Happy for you!

an experiment in happiness said...

YOU GO GIRL! You are such an inspiration. I love that you are feeling so positive and motivated. It makes all the difference in the world. I am working on that myself and reading your blog helps! I'm behind you all the way!