Wednesday, June 15, 2011


This coming Wednesday, I'll be 4 weeks raw, hurray! :=)

The only problem is....I really reverted in my eating habits this week and compulsively ate raw gourmet (...just like when i started this blog, going on and off of 811 over and over again, and binge eating on gourmet.)

What's it all about, Alfie?

I wrote a lot over the week about this struggle and my pains, which i'll include below.

But i'm really feeling the need right now to buck up, push myself harder, love myself more, and focus on making positive stuff happen, instead of giving into giving up on myself.

I think i really fell into self defeat this week. Even though i stayed raw.

_ _ _

I feel particularly motivated at the moment, because EXTREME MAKEOVERS WEIGHT LOSS EDITION was on tonight. The featured super-obese man was Dana, a 44 year old aspiring gospel singer who was 250 lbs overweight.

[If you didn't see the episode, i think you can watch it here, or at least read about Dana's story: ]

I am similarly 200 lbs overweight (I'm 340's now, i should be 140's) and an aspiring opera singer, so as a singer and a super obese person, I really related to Dana and his lifelong struggle with his weight.

Trainer, Chris Powell, asked Dana, "What is driving your eating?"

Dana didn't know.

When Powell found fast food wrappers in Dana's car, he asked, "Why are you sabotaging yourself? Why are you eating things that made you 500 lbs?"

Dana answered, "To comfort myself."

Powell probed, "From what?"

Dana was dumbfounded. He didn't understand why he ate. Why he couldn't stay on his eating plan.

I so related.

_ _ _

As the episode wore on, Dana's low self esteem was revealed. He didn't love himself. And children and people making fun of him because of his lifelong weight problem had left it's scars.

He was also hiding his childhood sexual abuse, and his homosexuality.

"What was done to you wasn't your fault," Powell taught Dana.

_ _ _

Sexual abuse leaves a person feeling POWERLESS, with little BOUNDARY control.

Powell said that food becomes the abuser later in life.

It makes sense and I so related. Food reigns dominant over us, taunting and tormenting us to give in, and we allow it, over and over again.

_ _ _

Powell pushed Dana severely in his exercise routines and didn't take 'no' for an answer.

Dana submitted to Powell's authority and with intense exercise for up to 5 hours a day, and a low calorie food plan, (which Dana was often unable to stick to), he lost over 200 lbs in ONE YEAR.

Through the transformation, Dana understood what a strong, capable man he really is. He is now someone who could count on himself to accomplish his goals. He could stand proud in who he was, now. He had been reborn.

_ _ _

The show was incredibly motivating and moving to me.

I don't push myself to exercise like i should. My feet hurt this week something awful and my swollen ankles depressed me.

As the week went on and on, i ate more and more salty fatty raw nutspreads and raw breads and less and less lean and light raw foods.

What was i comforting?

_ _ _

I think at the heart of me, i'm just like Dana. Insecure. History of Abuse. Low self esteem. Lack of control. Poor boundaries. Powerless.

_ _ _

The truth is: I am POWERFUL beyond measure!

But, the abused child that is very much alive in me feels so powerless and worthless, especially when she is in emotional pain, or feeling controlled and dominated.

Hm. Like i feel with FOOD.

I've allowed food to dominate and control my life.

_ _ _

It is so easy for me to fall back into feeling BADLY about ME. I don't even REALIZE i'm doing it. I realized i felt badly about me this whole week. We went swimming to the lake and i cowered behind Cliff in my bathing suit, knowing as i walked into the water, everyone's eyes would be glued to my fat and cellulite.

It's just one example. Resentment for uncaring people wears on you and soon you're wearing it (in the form of more fat!)

I wrote about more struggles this week down below.

But, first, i am trying to come to a place of forgiveness and understanding, and later in the week, i wrote about here. [i've since edited this and i hope i have made it better and more understandable.]

_ _ _

I shot a video with Arnold at work on Friday, which should be on soon, but i was really unsatisfied with my answer as to what drives my binge eating. After seeing the EXTREME MAKEOVER last night, i think i have more awareness of what drives me. I wrote this to Arnold:

I was thinking about reasons why i binge eat, and I do think there is so very much more to it than just cooked food being an addiction. Still, I DO believe i am a cooked food addict, but i can also go overboard on the raw fatty nutty salty stuff and that can become an addiction, too, and i can easily binge on it.

I guess all overeating or compulsive eating or binge eating is eating for comfort. It's an attempt to soothe emotional pain, whether it's concious or unconcious.

The only problem is, comfort eating may work for the moment, but you end up feeling worse, so did it really comfort? No.

But we get so caught up in it, it's a vicious circle, and we don't realize it didn't work. It didn't really comfort. That's when it becomes an addiction because it doesn't work and you have to keep going back to it to feel at least a little better in the moment, but you never ever feel better ultimately. You always feel worse! You're barking up the wrong tree. Food doesn't soothe emotional pain.

The truth is, comfort eating is self sabotage. I have become newly aware of this.

Why would i unwittingly want to sabotage myself?

Because i'm not loving myself. I'm thinking I don't think i deserve to win. Who am i to be so fabulous and successful?

When i have my BEST interests at heart, i am loving myself. When i am self sabotaging, i'm not loving my best self then, i'm loving my worst self - i'm giving into my worst faults and weaknesses. I figure, it's the best i can do. I'm giving up on me.

We all have a good parent and a naughty child living within us. Who is going to be in control??? We all have a rebellious nature. Are we going to let it dominate us? Usually, children rebel from an overly controlling parent. Is our internal parent going to be ultra controlling? Or loving and wise, guiding us to success?

Comfort eating is abusing myself, but in the moment, it doesn't look like abuse, it looks like the salve to all of my hurts. It's a temporary fix because it never fixes anything and only adds more complications.

The problem is, like any abuse, it feels good to that sick/hungry part of myself - it's stimulating (i guess like smoking, drinking, elicit sex, etc, even self cutting, picking,..., feel good because they stimulate). We wouldn't need to do that if we were in touch. Abusing ourselves is a twisted form of feeling good. You can't feel good on your own without it, and there forms a tremendous attachment and dependency.

Plus, things that aren't good for us are appealing when we are in a negative state. When I'm in a negative state, I am living in insecurity, self doubt, fear, hopelessness, anger, frustration, resentment, self defeat, an "i can't do it" attitude, etc....whether I am aware of it or not. When I am living in that negative mindset, food looks really good again and becomes attractive. "It will make me feel better!" The problem was the original negativity, but now the problem morphs to food obsession to cover it up. And then the addiction begins again, be it cooked or too salty/fatty/nutty raw.

If i look at the food, if i look at my fat, i don't have to look at me, or look at what's bothering me.

Negative emotions triggered the desire to self comfort. But, negativity can easily spiral and it does, and even ONE episode of overeating, if handled poorly, can spin it's mental insanity and produce a desire to overeat more and more. We have bought into the negative loop.

Gaining weight can easily become a trigger to gaining more weight if you allow yourself to get sucked into that negative downward spiral. "I'm no good. I can't even lose weight. Poor me. I might as well eat."

HOW we react to life and life's challenges is everything. Do we freak out and get emotional and down over every incident, or do we handle life with grace, strength, and calm serenity?

The antidote to negativity is to love ourselves so much that we don't allow anything to get us down. This is a skill. Meditation helps. . It's learning to let the "good parent" control our lives, not the negative abusive one, nor the victim child.

We have to live in a state of self loving authority, forgive ourselves, and work on eliminating negative mindsets all day, daily. We have to be good self parents and care for our BEST and HIGHEST selves and aspirations, and to keep our dreams/hopes/wishes forefront in our minds. "You can do it!" Our best selves need to be in control. Our bad side has to stay submissive. We get in trouble when we let our worst weakest insecure doubtful i'm no good self be in charge. That's our 'victim' self. We learned that one being abused as children.

We can overcome this internal victim with awareness and strong spiritual faith one day at a time!

Eating raw food HELPS me control myself and eliminates ALOT of the addiction, but the answer is SELF LOVE.

_ _ _

When i wasn't being so wise, here's some of what i wrote last week:

_ _ _ _

Okay, so i've mentioned that i've had swollen ankles everytime i eat salt. True. True. Still true. Even though i've been drinking alot of water and have been exercising.

And it's troublesome. It's uncomfortable. It makes me feel like a failure or a freak or like there is something wrong with me.

Well, there is something wrong with me. My body does not process salt well. And i hate that. I'm actually angry at that. Because it tastes good. And I'm not ready or willing to say goodbye to salt forever today. [Addendum, Saturday and Sunday, i accomplished salt free days and am feeling better physically.]

Add to that frustration that I was today exactly 3 weeks raw, so i weighed myself.

And I went up a few pounds.

I know, fluid retention...., weight fluxuation is normal, blah blah.

Plus, dare i say it, maybe i'm eating too much fat and too much high glycemic (dates, bananas).

I HATE saying that because i don't even want to GO there and i'm so angry that i have to go there again. Why can't i be like Dustin and eat what i want??? Dustin lost over 100 lbs eating raw gourmet.

I guess i COULD do that if i practiced portion control. [Addendum: i must learn to dominate food, instead of letting food dominate ME. i must learn that i am more powerful than it. I must reign it in. And get it to work for ME. And, I do think my history of sexual abuse is quite relevent. I was dominated and made to feel worthless. I act that out everyday with food, so long as i allow it to control me.]

Yes, my head is not happy today. It is the perfect set up for a binge. But i can't let it happen. I have just GOT to get over this hump without falling prey to eating over my fear, my anger, my frustration. Remember, i can complain about it, but don't give in. Didn't i just say that yesterday?

What makes me upset is I've been 'using' salt but not over-indulging. It's not the salt that's the problem. It's how MY body reacts to it. And it's not the dates and bananas and avocado at fault. It's how MY body reacts to it. It's how MY body metabolizes it. [not very well]

I'm angry at my body today. Why don't you lose weight? Why did you gain weight? Why are you DOING this to me? I'm raw. I'm exercising.

All of this 'diet' stuff is making insanity in my head, again. I'm right back to 'eating disorder'.

Now i felt guilty today when i ate olive oil on my salad today. Now I felt guilty when i ate guacamole from the mexican place on my salad, too. That's fat AND salt.

And i know what it will do to me, yet i want it because it tastes good, but when i eat it lately, i'm not even hungry. I'm compulsive again. I don't want to let it go.

I feel so harsh about myself tonight. I'm so angry. I want to beat myself up.

The gaining a few pounds that i discovered this morning put a damper on my whole evening. As the day wore on, it began to bug me more and more. When i realized it, i started to write.

_ _ _

It was an INCREDIBLE day that should be CELEBRATED! I had an AMAZING singing lesson with my new new teacher. I'm going to North Jersey now to study with someone who has what i want - an international opera career and the know how to get me there.

I also had an amazing rehearsal last night after the first new lesson last week.

So, i KNOW this is the right direction for me.

And here i am fucking up again.

If i lost all of my weight, i could be auditioning in Germany in a YEAR. [This has always been my DREAM! I want to make it happen. Can i? YES! I need to know i am powerful and have control over my life and need to apply that sense of power and control to my diet.]

_ _ _

And, I took 3 poops today, too, so maybe all of that weight gain was just poop that hadn't come out yet! So stupid to throw in the towel now.

Anyway, maybe it's not even a good idea for me to weigh WEEKLY.

Maybe it's healthier for MY particular mental and eating disorder to weigh MONTHLY.

_ _ _

When i am troubled and questioning and doubtful and fearful, it is a BAD place for me to be in. Immediately, food thoughts come. You know what they say about the THOUGHT of doing something always pre-ceeding the action of doing it. So true.

I need to SEE the thought, but don't react to it and act on it. Refute it. Don't GO there.

_ _ _

I searched myself. "Why am i thinking about food? I'm not hungry!"

"OH, i'm upset about getting weighed and gaining. I don't want to give up foods i like. i'm angry. And now i feel hopeless about losing weight, again."

_ _ _

Time to turn that all over to God. And let HIM and my own intuition direct my path.

I heard this bible quote on one of the Christian channels and it spoke to me:

From Phillipians Chapter 4, verse 6: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

Dear God, help me not to worry and be filled with fear. I give my life and diet to you. Strengthen me, make me wiser, help me understand. I know you will lead me if i allow you to.

_ _ _

Salt, fat, exercise, staying on top of my negative emotions... These are all the challenges I face today.

God, help me to understand what i need to do.

xoxo michelle joy

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