Saturday, January 30, 2010

Recovery Days with Carlene

Good morning.

I had my 2nd phone call with Carlene of last night. We decided the next two days will be salt-free, fat-free, all raw fruit and veggie days. The two days after that are to add steamed veggies. I'm looking forward to the next 4 "recovery days."

I've been doing great with my walking. [I've walked 4 days in a row: first day 50 mins, second day 1 hour 10 mins, third day 1 hour 10 mins and yesterday only 30 mins. I'm getting ready to go out for a walk soon, too.]

My food, however, has not been good for the last 2 days. I worked Thu and Fri. I work in a raw cafe with lots of raw bread around, nut pate's and lots of fatty salty treats. Anyone who reads this blog knows i have have a history of severe trouble with food at work. Unfortunately, my last two work days included lots of trouble. And then some trouble afterwards....

This particular difficult space of time in my life will soon end and things will be good again, and i'll be stronger for it. I always remember that in getting through these difficult times, i'll be more able to help others who suffer with food addiction as I do. I know this will all be for the general good.

Here is the note i just sent Carlene and her response:

Dear Carlene,

I woke up this morning to weight 293.5. I can't believe i'm here. Sometimes you have to laugh instead of cry…


I really GEL with the idea of having a no salt/fruit/veggies/no fat day for today and tomorrow. I’m actually RELIEVED. And adding steamed veggies to that on day 3 and 4, I can cope with. Steamed veggies never hurt anyone. I can cope with that. I needed a recovery plan.

When I went to work and had a “panic attack” I had no plan. My head wasn’t set straight on what I COULD eat, but only on what I couldn’t, and what I couldn’t was staring me straight in the face. And i succumbed. With me, things easily snowball out of control.

Yesterday at work, it started out well. I made a green smoothie with 1 banana and lots of fruit and drank that. Soon, things deteriorated.

Your suggestion to bring my own food, and write my recipes down will be good, instead of constantly having to 'taste.'

Last night after work, i regret I had a cooked food binge before I spoke to you. It might have been a 10,000 cals day. It was kind of the last hurrah. Fried Onion rings, mozzarella sticks and a wrap with mayo, veggies, provolone cheese and boca veggie burger in it, and a soda.

The kind of cooked food I’ve been eating…honestly, WHO DOESN’T LIKE IT???? [We were talking about me LIKING cooked food.] But, the cost exceeds the benefit. My bowel movements smell, I smell, I have bad breath, reflux, am 40 lbs fatter and have been completely deluding myself. The lunch I had out with my friend, Megan, the other day was not very lean or low salt either, and it feeds the addiction.

I can see what you’re saying about foods being 30% or more in fat or salty being out of my league. They just shouldn’t be in my repertoire.

I like what you were saying about being a 'fat addict'. I’ve always felt that fat was my main addiction. And salt. Fat and salt are all I ever want.

The bootcamp diet was/is attractive to me because of that. And it’s so easy to follow in it’s simplicity. It’s black and white, cut and dried.

But then, every once in a while, a person wants a little treat - a meal out with a friend, perhaps. Then it gets tricky. The meal might even go very well, very controlled. But, then, it’s the days following that are the issue. You have to just get right back on track.

I used to have trouble getting back on track and would stay in gourmet raw for weeks. Then i would go back to eating bootcamp style (80-10-10) for weeks. I used to call those my “RECOVERY DAYS.”

I think the way I used to recover myself was great, now. [It’s wasn’t zero fat. It was ¼ of an avo, or 2 Tbsp of nut butter, that was it. No salt. All fruit and veggies.] I think maybe that should be the way i eat in general.

I thought the way I was eating on those recovery days was CAUSING the binge eating. But, now I’m not so sure. I think the fat and salt of the gourmet raw….just set me off. I’m an addict.

So, I’m going to have to find what little treats I can have that don’t set me off. Steamed veggies seems like a nice place to begin.

I’m looking forward to the next 4 days because I know I will drop at least 10 lbs and feel so much better. My legs feel like tree trunks and my face looks like a balloon.

I'm experiencing that there is a huge difference between someone weighing in the 250’s and someone weighing nearly 300. I really FEEL this weight gain and I hate it. The damage it has done to my self esteem has been awful. I like looking better. I don’t like looking like a balloon. It is harder to walk. My clothes don’t fit. What must people at work think???

I was SO MUCH better off before all of this cooked (fatty salty) food. I was deluding myself to think I could control it.

xoxo michelle

Good morning,

All the last hurrahs are done. Why we do that is beyond me. I wonder who gave us the idea??

For now, I want you to forget the idea of every now and again wanting a little treat. Instead, we are going to build a program that allows you to have a little something whenever you want, but take the big ticket items off the menu.

Have a great day with the fruits. I'm sure you will feel better tomorrow morning, and then heaps better by Monday morning.

Remember you are doing this because you want to, not because you have to. There is a huge difference.

Email me this afternoon and let me know how you are doing.


So, For the next 4 days, i was instructed i do not have to log my food into

God bless you all. Thank you for your support. And i hope that soon i will be in pure raw joy again. It may be hard to get back to, but the hardest things to achieve in life mean the most to us. This has been a trying time. But i'll get through it.

xoxo michelle joy

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