Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Letters from me


I've not been doing well. It's the dark night of the soul for me. Swimming up steam without a paddle in a river called "De NILE." I'm confused. I'm alot fatter. I'm craving cooked food constantly. I'm, uh, i'm, um, i'm an addict.

I'm so confused. Victoria Boutenko talks about in her book, "12 Steps to Raw," that non-compulsive eaters can have no problem incorporating cooked food into their diets, but that compulsive eaters are best suited by a 100% raw diet. She herself admits to being a compulsive eater, but also now admits to eating cooked vegetables in favor of "a pound of cashews." If Victoria can eat cooked food, why can't i? Well, i guess i can if i want to. I just can't seem to control it. Well, i can't control FOOD in general, but, well, that's my problem.

Below are some recent letters. The first ones are to my friend Valerie who i know from ARnold's Way. We went to the Healthy Eating seminar together the other day. The bottom letter is to Carlene Jones, the leader of She also has a website that is not so strict, Carlene has lost over 100 lbs eating a high raw diet.

These letters will infuriate some, and make others feel like they are not the only one. They serve to document where i'm at. It's not a nice place to be out of control and confused and craving, but it's worthy of documenting, because I know with certainty that some day i'll look back on this time with gratitude that i am out of the darkness once again.

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Hi Valerie, (my friend from Arnold's Way)

Thanks again for inviting me to the talk the other night! I really enjoyed it :-))

I'm not doing well, unfortunately. Monday is an offwork day and these are often binge days. And it has been, binge eating on cooked.

When we talked in the car, i really thought i COULD learn to handle cooked food. My entire history would say that i CANNOT. What would make me think i could unless it was just total and complete denial???

Yes, i binge eat on gourmet raw, too, but at least i was still raw, and always lost the weight on 80-10-10. You were right when you said i was better off before. I WAS.

Even though i was still binge eating, i had a massive degree of control that i have lost by adding in cooked.

Cooked makes me gain weight MUCH faster than raw, and taking off the weight feels hopeless because i'm hooked on the cooked. Whereas before, taking off the weight felt completely hopeFUL because i knew i could always turn to 80-10-10, which i did. In other words, i was managing my weight, at least.

With cooked, i'm not only out of control, i feel hopeless going BACK to raw and my weight is out of control with no hope for the future but to keep gaining.

Well, i know it's alot in my mind that i fear i can't go back to raw. i CAN. And i must.

I weighed myself the other day and i was 283 and now that i have binged last night and today on cooked, i am certain i gained 10 lbs just doing that. i gain weight extremely quickly, especially on cooked, because of the bad salt, the wrong kind, not celtic salt, and because of the bulk that ends up in my gut.

i don't feel particularly BAD energy-wise because of the supplements i am taking, but i am extremely bloated, my legs feel like balloons and i'm fatter than i've been in a long, long time.

Let's support each other and write our food to each other everyday and go back to 100% raw. I don't want to weight 290's. i want to weigh 250's.

And i certainly don't want to weigh 300, which i will weigh if i keep eating cooked because it produces such a terrific denial that i don't even care how fat i'm getting as long as i eat it.

i think often of my story in lisa montgomery's book, "Raw Inspiration," and how i stated i would never go back to cooked and i documented how it used to be for me on cooked. i'm right back there.

Well, at least i haven't eaten meat. But i often ask myself, 'why aren't you eating meat?' What is this terrific self control i have now over meat when i was a meat-a-holic, 10 hamburgers a day. You know why i haven't gone back to meat??? BECAUSE I NEVER STARTED.

I'm not going to learn how to control cooked by eating it. I'm controlling meat because i'm NOT eating it.

I'm an cooked food addict for sure, and i need to get "clean".

I need to go back to 100% raw and also should go NO or LOW SALT and LOW FAT, so i can get this weight off. Some treats (raw pie or something) every once in a while need to be controlled, but it would be nice.

I'll start NOW and write my food to you later tonight.

xoox michelle joy

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Hi Michelle,

I am glad to hear what you have to say because I truly believe that for myself. Raw makes me more normal-ish with food. It closes the door to so many convenient things that just keep going in my mouth. I think that you can become raw again and you will. Hang on to the idea that you want to. I also want to become about 100% raw also and I am doing better. I intend to still allow myself the plain baked potatoe b/c it is an alkaline food. I never say never. There is something in a story in the Big Book that I like much better. It is,"If I am doing the things I am doing today, and if I am thinking the things I am thinking today;I will probably be [Raw] for the rest of my life" So what will those things be for us? Perhaps we need to keep in touch and state our commitment to a raw life each day.Remember to ask our higher power for help and thank him for all the good things we have. Meditate for 5-15 minutes and tell ourselves we are lovable and worth being raw for.

Maybe we need to find passages in raw books that state the benefits of staying raw as we age. Of course, having what we need to have our raw meals, and carrying an avacado when we go out for our salad. Having a Lara bar handy if we might be in a situation where we will be late getting a meal, and maybe trying to stick to eating meals and only a little pick me up if necessary.

I know I am not getting any younger and cancer is rampant and heart attacks and strokes are not uncommon for women. So what better reason to give up cooked? Cooked will lead to processed,processed is full of salt etc and so on. Have a great day. I'm 100% raw so far!

Hugs, Val

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Hi Michelle,

Where have you been? I had an almost perfect day. No peanuts and just for today-no peanuts again. Those peanuts in the shell were my biggest downfall. Thank you God. It was an easy day. It just happened. I guess it helps to talk to you and realize,I DO WANT RECOVERY. I don't have to be carried kicking and screaming to freedom. I can let go and let God. I guess that is what this is. I'm grateful.


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Hi Valerie,

So awesome you had such a great day! I know what that feeling is, to just do well effortlessly. I think it is when the mind and heart are were in the was a case of "let go, let god!" I think when we do let go, and are at peace, he'll carry us!

I was at my mother's all day yesterday and didn't get home until very late. So sorry about not keeping up with writing daily as i had promised. I'm so scattered, trying to figure out what to do with myself and getting caught up in binge eating cooked food repeatedly.

To help myself, I got in contact with a woman who runs an online raw food support club, and she suggested after hearing my story that 100% raw might be best for me, too. Also, my girlfriend who knows my history and what is happening now suggested the same thing. The online program begins next week. I haven't committed to joining yet.

I don't know why i persist in thinking i can eat cooked in moderation. Just this morning i was laying in bed thinking perhaps the best route for me would be green smoothies all day and cooked lentil bean soups at night, as Dr. Joel Fuhrman recommends. i even thought of spending hundreds to go to see him. The last time i did his program, i lost 18 lbs in one week!

When we were in the car talking about wishing to just lose the weight we've gained quickly and then begin a new program, i was really not into that idea because i've seen myself lose quickly and gain it all back quickly so many times during this blog. Yet, the thoughts persist to go on a green smoothie fast to lose all of this 30-40+ lbs.

But is that realistic? Heck, i guess it could be...if i involved God. Or i could just be kidding myself. The truth is, i'm so confused. I don't know what to do.

Why don't i just ask God what HIS will for my diet is?

The way you experienced that effortless effort in doing well again and in not eating roasted peanuts, the same could happen for me, if i just realized i'm heading down the road of destruction, and determined to eat 100% raw again.

The only problem is: for 20 days i ate 100% raw recently, but it was all gourmet raw, and i didn't lose one pound.

Do i go back to 80-10-10??? Do i drink green smoothies all day and count calories? Do i eat gourmet raw moderately? Do i allow myself cooked soups? I lost so much weight doing that. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused.

I had chinese food yesterday. 2 veggie spring rolls and veggie lomein. Before that, i ended up at the market with a small container of pasta salad and a peice of bread pudding. M&Ms at my moms house and a stolen peice of pizza and tastycakes from her fridge.

I mean, i KNOW what i'm doing is BAD and that i'm getting fatter and fatter, yet something in me still WANTS it and LOVES it. I guess THAT's the addiction. There is also something in me that wants to get back on track very much.

I know my body wants a green smoothie this morning for sure. What comes after that, i'm not sure! I'll try to stay in tune with myself...ask God to lead me.

I'll let you know how today goes. I'll try to keep in touch more regularly.

xoxo michelle joy

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UPDATE: I just weighed myself. I weigh in the high 280's. That's frightening, but i have to remember that's not even the heaviest i've ever gotten over these 3 years raw. Before I discovered 80-10-10, i actually once got up to 299.5 binge eating on gourmet raw. So, i need to cut myself a break and just MOVE ON.

But the truth of the matter is...i was actually doing BETTER when i discovered 80-10-10, for although it made my binge eating exacerbate, i was also BETTER in control of my WEIGHT.

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To Carlene of

Hi Carlene,

I was on the bootcamp program last year for a short time and need to join another program with you. I'm hoping you could help me figure out what might work the best for me.

Just a little history.

I was raw for 3 years and lost 175 lbs from a high of 425 to 250 lbs. I have binge eating disorder, so i would binge often on gourmet raw, but used "80-10-10" to manage my weight. Despite the binge eating, this actually "worked" to keep my weight in check. When it would go up substantially, i'd 80-10-10 until i got down again. And this cycle went on and on. At the time, i thought this was bad.

Unfortunately, things have gotten worse. In Semptember, i started to eat beans. Then beans turned to fries. Fries turned to pizza. Pizza turned to 2 pizzas. You get the point. It is now January, and, thank god i haven't gone back to meat, i've stuck to vegetarian, but i've gained back 40 lbs.

Cooked food packs on much more weight much faster than gourmet raw even. What's worse, after eating cooked, it's not so easy to just do 80-10-10 to take the weight off, now that i'm HOOKED on cooked. To make it through one day just raw has been hard.

My problem is this: i'd like to get back to 100% raw simply because i think it FUNCTIONED best for me in controlling food and in controlling my weight, although i hadn't taken my weight loss to the next level, at least i MANAGED it. Of course, i'd like to lose the rest of my weight. But if i never learn to control my binge eating, that won't happen. Certainly, i'd like to overcome my binge eating, but every book i read says you have to eat cooked to do that and i've been trying, and it's NOT working for me.

I NEED to get back on track. I refuse to gain back everything i lost, just to taste something good. Would one of your programs address my issues better than another? I'm thinking one of your new programs would be good where i eat all raw low fat no salt, but then allow myself some treats (gourmet raw) from time to time.

I'd really appreciate hearing your thoughts. I'll join a program TODAY if i can.


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Hi Michelle,

I think since you do know how to manage your weight and be happy on raw, that you should stay raw. Every now and then a planned treat is fine, even choosing to maintain your weight for a weekend, vacation, or holiday is fine, as long as you are able to return to your normal way of eating. So normal should be about 1800 raw calories a day with no more than 30% fat and very little sodium. Diet mode of course is less than that. As for binge eating, it is a behavior that has to be dealt with and controlled. That doesn't happen overnight. It may take you years to learn to ignore the need to binge, but unlike boot camp and the all or nothing mindset, it is probably better for you to find a food plan that works for you completely. Lose the weight a tad slower, but with things that will satisfy and not cause binges. That is what Finding Your Perfect Diet is. It is about finding you..LaSaprano's, perfect diet. Not mine, not OTH (was that what it was called?) or even a typical Raw Foodists idea. It needs to be what works for you. You need to feel what you are eating sustains you physically and emotionally. You have been dealing with raw for a long time, so it probably is part of who you are.

We start a new Finding Your Perfect Diet program next Monday. Join us, you can be raw and I will give you the choice to start out at 1500-1700 raw calories as long as the fat% stays below 30% which is the US RDA. That gives you some nuts, but not a lot. Maybe that will help you find balance that will prevent the need for binges that stem from just wanting to eat. Emotional eating is a whole other issue, but lets get the perfect diet down, and then see how you deal with it.

There are some great women in the program right now. Not many doing 100% raw, but I think you will like them anyway. The new program is not about being a raw foodist, it is about beating obesity with whatever method (except fasting and liquid diets or drugs) that will work for you for life.

Sign up at Use a new username and password.

See you Monday.


x0x0x0x0 michelle joy

1 comment:

Debbie said...


What do all your binge eatings have in common, cooked or raw? Seasoned food. In nature, animals' food is not seasoned and they don't binge. Why did you do so well on 80 10 10? No seasoned food!!

I am not even eating greens anymore because I only like salad dressings that are seasoned. I'm trying to get my minerals from tomatoes and cucumbers because I don't really like greens anyway.

So I am now fruitarian. Want to join me?