Friday, January 15, 2010

One Day At A Time!

Good morning!

I'm feeling fine and energetic this morning :-)) After a raw day yesterday, i lost a little of the bloat and weighed in at 290.5. My goal today is to stay raw and to break 290 tomorrow. Small baby steps. [Update: after a 2nd surprise B.M, i weighed in at 289, yay! -3 in one day raw!]

A friend wrote me last night and was very concerned about me. She noticed I had gained weight and was sincerely worried about my admission to eating cooked food since we have only known each other as raw foodists. Well, the good news is I was all raw yesterday, and well, here's part of the note i sent her. I think it helps to explain what kept me going with the cooked - and after the note, i think i REALLY am beginning to figure out what drives me...

"Hon, I think when i wrote you about what's been going on with the food, i was trying to be very honest with myself. I kept telling everyone "i can't stop eating cooked food, it's horrible!!!" but i didn't really FEEL that way. So when i wrote you, i was like, "I LOVE IT!!" The truth is, i DID love it. i loved it very much, but i knew i couldn't stop and i was, and still am very worried in a healthy way. I gained alot of weight, so next time you see me you will notice even more!!! THAT part of this has been really one of the only downsides. Honestly, if it weren't for the weight gain, and my out of control behavior with cooked food, i think i'd still be eating it - Veggie Burgers, Pizza, Singapore Rice Noodles, Fried Spring Rolls. I mean SO delish! The crunch, the textures, the flavors! Now i know why no one wants to give up cooked food to be a raw foodist. Taking the supplements i've been taking, i felt freakily fine eating this stuff. You would think i'd break out in horrible rashes or get sick. But i didn't. That's what's so bizarre. I kept WAITING to get sick - WAITING for something to say 'OK ITS TIME TO STOP!' But it never the form of a cold or a rash or any bizarre reaction. I can only say that is the power of E3Live and Betaine HcL. Nevertheless, it has been a long and hard battle getting back on track, but mostly MENTALLY. The battle has been a MENTAL ONE. I still WANTED to eat the cooked vegetarian stuff. Yes, once you start, it's almost imipossible to stop. But, i had been praying and asking God for direction and it came in the most amazing way, in a song i heard on the radio. "It's funny how falling feels like flying...for a little while. A little voice told me it was wrong. Another voice told me it was right." The song really addressed what i was feeling. I felt like i was FLYING, it was delicious. It was fun. I felt good. But, i was getting fatter by the minute. And that's the really really unfortunate part about all of this. Because i had been doing very well with my weight and was consistently coming down overall. Now i'm higher than i have been in quite some time, but not as high as i was before i started 80-10-10. Anyway, the next weeks will be the hardest. I have to stay very focused. I was raw yesterday. And plan on being raw from now on. Because it helps me control my weight. Because it keeps 'normal' food less accessible. Once you start eating cooked, you realize it's EVERYWHERE! One day at a time, i will be raw, as they say! It's easy to do ANYTHING for a day, but when you think of longterm it's overwhelming."

Yes, when i awoke this morning and realized i'd had had an all raw day yesterday, i smiled to myself. I AM happy to be back on track. And weighing less, out of the 290's!!! gives me motivation to do well today to keep moving on down the 280's. When i think i have to lose 40 lbs, i get very discouraged. But when i think i only have to lose 1lb today, THAT i can do, one day at a time. By just eating very little salt, and lots of green smoothies, i can accomplish that!

I know i have tremendous amounts of water stuck inside, because at the movies, i had polished off a medium bag of popcorn and a medium soda. Have you ever seen the SIZE of those sodas????? ENORMOUS. And I didn't peepee at all that night, so i KNOW i'm holding a ton of water weight inside just waiting to come out!

Truth be told, I've been under ALOT of stress. Not just with the food. With my financial situation, and my career. I'm a raw chef, but it's not my callling. It took me time to figure that out, but i've admitted it. Yes, I'm talented with food, but my biggest talent, the thing i need to do - is sing and perform. I have improved so much lately that i really feel i could be a professional opera singer.

What's holding me back is FEAR OF FAILURE and REJECTION...and my WEIGHT. I have alot against me, namely my AGE and LACK OF CONFIDENCE. Those can be overcome, but, in order to be even considered viable for professional roles these days, one must be within a normal weight range. I would like to lose 65 lbs and then audition for opera companies. At 225lbs, i would be within a reasonable range to be considered for being hired.

Right now, i'm working on many musical projects, an italian concert, an opera by Donizetti, a concert of songs from the old movie singing stars like Jeannette MacDonald and Mario Lanza. 2 of these projects will not increase my income, so working on them is a mental struggle, but i accepted the projects and know they will increase my skill.

I'm also contemplating auditioning for an opera restaurant, where I can sing nightly and will wait on customers and make tips. At least it will improve my skill and make me some money. I've been absolutely beyond broke. I had to borrow money from my mother.

Working more as a raw chef doesn't call to me. Writing raw cookbooks or any of the things people suggest don't call to me. You know what calls to me? You know what i really FEEL? When i read the magazine, "Opera News," i have BUTTERFLIES in my stomach. I want THAT. I look at the cover and say "I WANT to be on the cover." When i watch an opera with my mom at the MET SIMULCAST now in HD at the movie theaters, i SEE myself there and say to myself, "I'm just as good, if not BETTER." Feeling like you have something special to give, but are trapped by your own limitations, your own addictions, your a terrible place to be. That's been me.

I'm hoping that being raw again will increase my clarity about my career and my financial situation as it's been a very bleak period. I suppose the cooked food covered over all of that.

I'm working the SECRET right now to lose 65 lbs (weigh 225) and audition for opera companies and get my first professional role singing opera. PRAY FOR ME AND WORK THE SECRET WITH ME!!

And i'll continue to pray to God for direction.

I'm always inspired by Meredith Frantz's blog. Check that out: It's really wonderful.

xoxo michelle joy

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