Sunday, January 31, 2010

Fatty Salty Blues! Doin' Great With Carlene, Eatin' Fruit...But Gettin' The Blues!

So, Folks,

I'm still hangin' in there!

Carlene and I have been discussing at quite some length how gourmet raw food with it's high fat and sodium content is (of course, beyond delicious, but) not ideal for me. I eat a few peices of raw bread, fatty and salty the way i like it, and before I know it, i've eaten an entire tray. Neither is salty wheatmeat ideal. That stuff is so good it drives me bonkers.

So we've put me on a plan of ONE DAY AT A TIME - And for the next four days it's [Day one and two] all fruit and greens, raw, no cooking, no salt, no fat for two days. And on days three and four, i am permitted to add steamed veggies. We're building a diet from the ground up. It seems like a better way to tackle my issues than paring down from friend onion rings and boca burgers.

Instead of journaling and logging my food in, Carlene asked me to email her daily twice a day to keep tabs on me better.

I woke up this morning bright and chipper and energetic. I think i'll walk to the supermarket today with my shopping cart in the dusting of snow we received here in Philly! I feel THAT energetic! It's a serious walk, about an hour and 10 mins. Wish me luck! It will be an adventure and like my fun times in the summer, walking to the market to shop! Those are very memorable happy times. It feels empowering, energizing, exhausting and old fashioned.

I'm down 7 lbs since yesterday. It's all water weight. I drank a ton of fluids and flushed myself with fruit. Yesterday, I ate 8 oranges, 1 green smoothie and some homemade applesauce, and walked an hour. It's flushing out all of the binge eating i did the last two days. My face is still bloated, so there's still alot of sodium inside.

Ideally, Carlene wants to build me up to low sodium. No sodium and i go nuts when i eat it. Tons of sodium and i can't stop eating salty things, but low sodium, she feels is the way to go. I'm looking forward to it!

You know what? I'm going to get there, and when i do, we can all shout, "Hurrah!" It will have been long and hard won.

Yesterday's email to her was filled with complaints and woes, but also with good positive action.

Carlene's response is below.

xoxo michelle joy
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Hi Carlene,

I'm feeling crappy, depressed. i look so fat. i can't believe i did this to myself.

Were those onion rings really worth it last night???

they felt like it at the moment, but not now.

I'm crying all day, which is rotten, but it's cleansing...i suppose.

I think alot i assume things will be easy when they really aren't. i thought today would be easy, but it's not. I SOOOO want to scramble up some warm eggbeaters and salt them!

Instead, I followed the plan begrudgingly and just made a giant green smoothie (3/4 of the vitamix) and drank most of it and actually FEEL better because i'm STUFFED. I like that feeling. [1/2 head parsley, 1 banana, 2 oranges, 2 golden apples, 1 granny smith, no agave or dates. ] it was actualy really good. not sweet and bananay like i usually make it but better for me, i now understand.

The one banana is hard today. I love banana whips, of course. I love chocolate shakes with 6 or 7 bananas and 1/4 cup of agave. But, so far, so good.
[On Carlene's plan, bananas, agave, dates (high glycemic fruits) are restricted for the seriously obese. It's been her experience it's holds up weight loss.]

Cliff wanted hot chocolate and that was hard not to taste it, but i didn't. i make it for him with raw chocolate and agave and raw vanilla bean. it was one of our favorite treats together. For raw i use cashews or raw cows milk.

Oh, well, in another lifetime!

Cliff also wanted pizza today and that was hard to watch him eat 2 slices from the pizzaria i want to sing opera at (the pizzaria is a restaurant that hires opera singers to entertain) and not be "able" to have a slice as well. I felt very deprived today. And very conflicted about wanting to sing in a place with such yummy food around when i'm so incredibly vulnerable now. I've been putting off auditioning for them for weeks and it looks like i will put it off even longer. maybe in the summer when i am doing better and able to withstand the temptation.

I managed to eat about 8 oranges today and the smoothie and that's it, so far. It's been harder than i thought it would be.

When i initially came off of cooked food (fatty/salty), i was away at the raw retreat in San Diego for 8 months! Now i have to get over it at home. Not so easy.

I'm glad to report Cliff joined me for a one hour walk together in the freezing cold before it began to snow, and we froze but really enjoyed it. That was a good feeling to follow through. I'm very motivated to exercise because i KNOW what good it does for me.

Emotionally, though, today is MUCH harder than i thought it woud be. I feel ALOT of regret for getting so fat, yet, i crave what made me fat, and i can't seem to consistently control the food that makes me fat, so i can't eat

We were out today, and i'd been drinking so much, I had to go to the bathroom, so we stopped at the Burger King. Man, i wanted a fatty burger (I haven't eaten meat in 3 years) as i smelled the smells on the way to the bathroom. But when i looked at myself in the bathroom mirror, i almost cried again. I look bad, so bloated, so much fatter. I hardly recognize myself.

I've been in denial, enjoying fatty salty binge eating and not realizing i'd get so fat or have such a time getting back on track.

In the midst of my craving for eggs, it helped to have Cliff to listen when i exclaimed, "i hate fruit! i want eggs!"

the truth is: I don't hate fruit. I just wish i could eat like a "normal" person. I'm feeling quite a bit of self pity today. But, stating my desire defused it. I'm glad now i didn't just get out the frying pan and scramble up some eggs like i wanted to. I'm pretty sure it would have led to something else...and something else...

It's not like i NEED them, the eggs, today. I just want them. I'm cold and something warm and filling would feel good.

I think i'll go take a bath. Cliff promised to scrub my back :-))) I've needed a lot of nurturing today and i'm so grateful he's been so nurturing today.

I will do my best to get through the end of the day on all fruit, but I can't help thinking it would be so nice to boil up some of my famous "Dr. Fuhrman" soup: lentils and chunky veggies in vitamixed veggie "broth" (just water and blenderized veggies, no salt and no fat). it's very bland, but filling and warm. I'm hoping i can have that as part of my plan soon.

The week i had "Furhman" soup all week for dinner and some lunches, and green smoothies for breakfast, i lost the 18 lbs in one week. I think it's because veggies are basically calorie free, so i ate all day, but took in barely any calories. To lose 18 lbs this week would be nice. The soup is satisfying, fat and salt free, high protein and filling.

I'll try to get through tonight the best i can!

Thanks for being there.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


Liken yourself to an alcoholic, or even a drug addict. Everything that happened to you today happens to them, just as fast. It is going to take this type of staunch refusal to give in even if that requires a lot of tears, anger, back rubs, and swearing. It is the salt and fat talking. Not you. If you are cold tomorrow, then with the fruit, make your blenderized soup. No salt, no fat, just hot veggies. That's fine. The extra liquids will do you good, but make sure to eat lots of fruit. Ask Cliff if tomorrow, he could make his own hot chocolate, and not eat pizza in front of you.

Now take that bath, cuddle up with a book, or Cliff, and go to bed. Eating is done for the day.


No comments: