Thursday, January 14, 2010

Raw Day ONE

Hi there,

I'm sitting at the library, and my legs feel like balloons. I guess that's what popcorn at the movies yesterday will do to ya... Salt Retention! It's not fun.

I woke up feeling really hopeful. Really motivated to get back on track. And I had a work day at Arnold's Way and managed to stay all raw, thank God. No cravings to go to Dunkin' Donuts this morning, and no cravings to go to McDonald's for fries this evening. That feels like a burden lifted. I keep hearing that song in my head from "CRAZY HEART" with Jeff Bridges, "Sometimes falling feels like flying...for a little while." Is that ever true or what? I suppose alcoholics really enjoy drinking like i enjoy eating...until it gets out of control, that is, and there are consequences.

I weighed myself this morning. 292. Frightening. But, i HAVE to move THROUGH this. Can't allow myself to have a pity party. I've weighed as high as 299.5 in my highest during these 3 years raw, so, it's actually not as bad as it was then. My highest was 425 and thank God i'm not there today.

I drank alot of green smoothies today. I wanted to do a green smoothie fast but didn't make it and feel somewhat like a failure, although i must guard against that mentality as it only proves to suck me under. An all raw day TODAY can't be considered a failure, so i ought to cut myself a break, a big one. I had smoothies all morning, a nori wrap with avo later, some flax crackers. I really didn't do too badly, but, the impulse to crash diet is very very strong. I don't want to LIVE with this extra weight and have to cope with it. I'm anxious to lose this 40 lbs i packed on scarfing french fries and onion rings NOW. Now, do you hear me? NOW!

All of the cooked fried food WAS fun. My kind of fun. But look at me suffering now. Bloated, fatter. I received an email from a dear friend who said she noticed i gained weight. That stung. But, how could you NOT notice? Being out in the public eye, at Arnold's, is not fun now that i'm heavier. EVERYONE notices. No one says anything, but they notice. I notice.

You know what? Weight gain is awful. If people start drinking alcohol or something, you can't SEE it immediately on them, like you can weight gain.

Well, this too shall pass. Gaining weight is not a crime.

Act as if. Act as if i'm skinny. Act as if i never went OFF of raw. Act as if i'm perfectly content with how i look. Act as if i have no cravings. And it will all come to be!

xoxox michelle joy

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