Friday, July 29, 2011


Howdy, folks!

Well, you know that day i had in Princeton, NJ, on Wed after my voice lesson, when i was sitting with Cliff at the pizza shop crying because i felt so depressed, watching everyone eat pizza, and thinking hopeless thoughts, and hating the way i looked in my reflection in the storefront windows?

Well, I've really turned a corner!

I feel SO much better today! I feel like a rainbow that's broken free from dark clouds!

I guess that's the advantage to feeling your feelings. It's no fun in the moment, but you get to move through them quicker than you would if you interrupt the flow with unneeded food. If you cork the feelings up, the self hatred persists and you never get to say the next day, "Wow, i feel so much better!" You just continue to feel like shit because you hate yourself for eating now too.

Hating yourself for eating is also a convenient excuse. What's really behind it? What really do you hate about yourself that you're afraid to look at?

Today was my 2nd day at work where i didn't compulsively eat raw nut pate' all day, YES!, and because of the lighter fare and just eating when i was hungry, I had energy all day, and I was even hungry when i got home from work! I just had some watermelon, mmm!

I can't believe how well and happy i feel tonight. I thought my period would be unbearable and that i wouldn't be able to make it through the day.

I hardly slept last night.

I was still up. Around midnight, I listened to my voice lesson tape from Wednesday.

I sounded like shit!

I've been trusting this new teacher who apparently is taking me down a path that is having a dileterious effect on my voice. I'm sounding worse, not better.

The problem with the voice is we HAVE to RELY on others EARS to tell us how we're doing. My teacher says, "Great," and i believe him. Cliff sits with me at my lessons, but he thinks i always sound great, even if i sound like shit. I'm really glad he bought me the amazing digital recorder he did and that i've been taping my lessons. When i finally listened in, I recognized i'm way off track vocally. That i was hoarse after the lesson was a big clue, too. Arturo is so wonderful and i adore him, but his technique seems to not be working for me.

Looking around for a "new technique" (this is the 2nd teacher i've tried in 6 months) has the flavor of how i look for new diets. Should i do THIS one? Or THIS one? No, this one? No, this one. Trying to figure out what is the "correct" technique to sing is so akin to finding out which is the "correct" diet. There are so many choices. How do you choose?

When it all comes down to it, we have to be so honest with ourselves and just ask ourselves, "What works for me?" And go back to basics. Go back to what works.

Arturo's lessons leave me hoarse and irritated. Something is not right. Either it's HIM or it's ME. I need to figure this out.

Nevertheless, how do you negotiate and navigate through the mine field of emotions around all of that? I wrote out my feelings of anger, distrust, etc... in a letter to him.

Smartly, I didn't send them. One always needs time to decide, not in the heat of the moment, "Do i really want to send this letter?" I've learned that one the hard way. Best not to burn bridges.

You would have thought i'd have had an awful day at work on only 4 hours of sleep and my period, and, before work, i sat Cliff down, I poured out my heart to him, told him how i feel about EVERYTHING, US, the HOUSE, ARTURO, my need for more WORK, just EVERYTHING. Instead of feeling awful from FEELING....i feel so much BETTER!

Food never made me feel BETTER!!!

I'm working the "process."

I'm not stuffing, binging.

This is some serious fabulous SHIT, people!

My clothing even feels a little baggier on me today, and my face looks thinner....after just 2 days of doing better with the food!

There is SO much HOPE today, I want to shout it! "Don't give up!" Even in the darkest times, don't ever give up! It gets BETTER!

And if you don't stuff your feelings down with food, you get the pleasure of waking up the next morning with some self pride!

Arnold's Way is a wonderful place with such dear friends and coworkers. I long to spend time with my ladies at the store. When we have our girls days, like we did today, with Joy and Megan and Steff and me all at the store, man, it is just SO MUCH FUN!

Exercise is calling me...and I think i will venture out tomorrow. I needed these two good days under my belt to feel....worthy enough to get back out there.

Depression is like a black cloud hanging over you.

It lifts!

If you let it!

During these 9 plus weeks of raw, I may have not lost a TON of weight, but i'll tell you one thing. I'm becoming a non-binge eater. I've had maybe 2 SMALL binges during these entire 9 weeks and some episodes of overeating, but overeating and binge eating are two horses of a different color. I'm doing frickin' fabulous!

Arnold asked me today, "What do you want?"

And when i thought about it, i honestly realized that i want to stop binge eating. Even MORE than i want to lose weight. That's why the slow weight progress is actually not SO unbearable, because i know if i stop binge eating, i will eventually lose all of my weight...and keep it OFF, permanently!

I know I can lose weight FAST, and then gain it back fast. There's lots of evidence of THAT on this blog.

Today, I want to overcome binge eating completely so that i will never be plagued with it again!!! And so i can help OTHER women suffering.

Don't plug up the hole you express yourself from! Let it flow! Tears, anger, depression....all give way to happiness, fun, JOY. LET IT OUT, BABY!

Trust me. I wouldn't lie to you.

And, everyday that i feel and acknowledge the pain of that little unloved girl inside me, the one that somebody out there gave up for adoption, the one that feels unwanted and unloved,....the little girl that was touched inappropriately by people she was supposed to be able to trust, the one that has trust issues today because of that, the one that learned HER feelings didn't matter.... Everyday i FEEL and really EXPERIENCE that pain....and work THROUGH it...instead of stuffing it, brings me closer to LIFELONG FREEDOM FROM BINGE EATING.

What have i been running away from all of these years? From feeling that DEEP PAIN? It is deep. And it does hurt when you sit with it. This morning talking to Cliff i told him i felt like i was going insane. I'm not. But when you feel deeply and don't binge or plug it up, you feel out of control. Binge food is like car brakes. You stop the flow. Out of fear. You're stronger than you realize. You can do it. Get to the other side and let yourself SEE that you made it!

DON'T BE AFRAID to confront your core belief that you're not good enough and that no one wants you. Because when you wake up the next day, the grey clouds have passed, and you realize that, yes, people DO want you, and yes, you ARE good enough.


Ride the natural waves of emotions....and soon the binge days will be gone.

xoxo michelle joy


Get Skinny, Go Vegan. said...

Ouch. The secret to not getting depressed over your musical ability is to NOT listen to your lesson tapes but store them in a box. Gawd. Yes, I think sometimes if we just taped ourselves we wouldn't even really need a teacher!! I have always just assumed you were supposed to feel like shit after a lesson, I never thought that wasn't the "norm". Such is the world of "classical training". Kind of like the army, break you down, a LOT, and then see if you can "handle it". Most peeps I know that have gone through it AREN'T handling it even with shrinks and pills. I think I do okay with just some yoga, lots of raw food, and the love of my life. Congratulations on all of your success with the raw thing. I guess the secret is to enjoy "not eating" as much as eating. I do find I am really happy when I have said "no" to food that I didn't want/need but much too often I am eating at midnight, healthy, but still.....You are doing awesome & it's really refreshing the honesty you share about your journey.

Mary said...

wow. powerful. Please contact me. I'm an abuse survivor, and an adopted child as well. I've included my website below and my contact info. take care of you. MBB

peggie said...

We stop at Arnolds whenever we go to see my family in New Jersey. Saw you at Arnolds at the end of June. You made our food for us. You are such a friendly person. We were just there again on Tuesday afternoon. Arnold was there. The food at Arnolds is the best.
I have to be careful what I eat. Emotional eater. Love raw food. This time it was hard because we were going to New Jersey for my mother's funeral. Both of my parents passed away within 15 months of each other. No matter how long we have them, we still want them longer.