Saturday, July 16, 2011


Hiya :=)

Back home...

Kind of a serious letdown after a fun time away.

Today was one of those days where I was unable to accomplish much. I think i just needed to retreat and recharge my batteries.

Ken and Deb's home life is so organized that Cliff and I were so inspired to come home and get our own home life more under control.

We're packrats, the both of us. It's a challege having each of us prone to the same sloppiness, with neither one of us the "neatnik" in control, pushing the other towards cleanliness and organization.

We're at our best when we are working together getting stuff done. We can be very productive.

We're at our worst when we just let each other get away with being out of control sloppy.

Until we get a live-in maid (my DREAM!), we just have to bugger down and get working and start bringing out the best in each other, instead of the worst.

Deb and Ken are really good examples of how to create a managable, functional, pleasurable home life. We really aspire to that.

We have a big wonderful home, but we rarely have guests over because the house isn't in order.

Today, we had the best intentions to work together to get the kitchen organized and rearranged, old stuff donated to the Salvation Army, throw out ineffective storage, etc..., but I became overwhelmed, and like a typical food addict, dug my head in the sand.

On the positive side, instead of binge eating to forget my overwhelm, I went to sleep until 3:30pm. It's not really a great way to cope, but it's a lot less calories.

_ _ _

I have a lot on my mind, overwhelmed in many areas.

I'm broke with a bill due Thursday.

My car brakes died, again, and to fix them would be $2,000. We're considering buying a new car, but can't afford it.

I have music to prepare for the VIBRANT LIVING FESTIVAL,, in which i'm singing opera, on July 31st. (Hope you'll come!)

I have an opera to prepare for which i'll be performing in November, Rossini's MOSE', the story of Moses.

On top of that, i have a mess of a house.

_ _ _

Just like the out of control behavior of binge eating, creating messes is a similar coping mechanism that i use to deflect myself from my real issues, i suppose. I am messier when i am stressed. Money stresses seem to cause the bigger messes.

There are things I can do to make money. I just haven't been willing to do them yet.

I sang so well today, creating my 7 song/aria program for the VIBRANT LIVING FESTIVAL, i'm left wondering why i'm not making more money singing opera. I have to get out there and audition. I have to create a website.

You know what? It's a really good time to give all of my "to-do's" to God, ask Him to help me get everything done that i need to. I am too tired of carrying around all of these burdens.

"Lord, i need your help with money. I'm going to trust you that i'll be able to pay this bill on Friday. I'm going to trust you that my singing career is in your hands. You know I want to sing professionally. I'm going to trust you that this house WILL get in order this summer. I'm going to trust you that my car situation will be resolved. Please find me a new car or help me fix the one I have. Please continue to help me sing beautifully and optimally. It feels so good to sing at my potential. Please help me to continue to take singing lessons with Arturo. It's $100 a lesson and I'm going to trust you for the funds. I put all of my burdens and needs in your hands, Lord. I trust that they are all being supernaturally worked on as we speak.
Thank you, Father."

The rest of the summer, I just have to focus on getting the house in order, getting my finances in order, getting my singing career in order.

_ _ _

Cliff did a great job in the kitchen without me, while i hybernated in bed. He's a good guy. He got rid of the excess furniture that wasn't working in there, he moved the kitchen table, reorganized shelves, rearranged storage. It looks better in there.

Our environments really affect how we feel.

Suddenly, we're hanging out in the kitchen more, because it looks so nice and feels so nice to be in there.

I tend to get depressed in the living room because it's messy and makes me feel paralyzed to do anything to help it.

_ _ _

I am reminded: Cleaning is like exercise. No one wants to do it. But you feel so much better afterwards. It just takes a little effort, and then the positive action creates momentum, which creates more positive action.

_ _ _

No exercise today. But, it's ok to take a rest. I've been working hard on exercise the last week, even on vacation! Everyone needs time sometimes to recharge their batteries.

_ _ _

Yesterday, i ate heavier on the road than i had during the week away.

I remind myself that patterns are meant to be broken. We have to take each day as it comes and go with the flow of our complex desires.

Yesterday, I had smoothie for breakfast.

For lunch, I had salad at Wendy's with homemade cashew cheese and raw pizza flavored crackers, which felt appropriate to my hunger level. I was feeling very hungry and was satisfied when i was done.

For dinner, I was mostly just bored from the 9 hour drive home and not terribly hungry. Nevertheless, I had the zucchini spaghetti with leftover cashew cheese and homemade marinara sauce with 1/2 avo over it at the Turnpike Rest Stop. Though it was a ballsy thing to do which carried a good share of raw pride, I didn't really enjoy it. It was very rich. I hid behind my large bag so i wouldn't cause too much attention, and it was a too heavy meal which didn't really match my level of hunger. Traveling in a car for 10 hours is bound to make anyone even normal with food go a little batty and want to be stimulated, let alone someone with food issues. All in all, I can't really complain too loudly about spiralizing zucchini at a rest stop. That's an A+ just for the effort.

Cliff and I shared a banana whip at home, which i enjoyed very much.

_ _ _

Today i had barely an appetite, and that's to be expected with yesterday's heavier fare.

_ _ _

Yet, this morning, i was obsessing about going to eat out at ALL THE WAY LIVE and get 3 take out meals!!!! I so want to try their new raw burger and raw lasagna, and i love their 5 plop platter where you choose from among 8 or so different raw salads they make: squash toona, wild rice, corn salad, cabbage slaw, kale salad, marinated mushrooms, seaweed salad, etc... The 5 plop platter is really enough for 2 meals, and I knew the idea for these excessive takeout meals, which would really amount to 4 meals, was a set up for trouble, but it's really what i wanted....

I didn't do it. But, i wanted to.

But no wonder i was obsessing over food. I'm stressed with money and music and needing to clean and get organized and coming back home from vacation is a let down.

Facing reality is often no fun when reality is not a pleasing sight.

I'm glad at least i didn't give into food compulsion.

Time to get cleaning up my various messes....

At least my food is still under control.

Br: Smoothie - choc, banana, raspberry, raw honey

L: fresh homegrown tomato with basil flowers sprinkled over it and 1 tsp of infused olive oil and a little sea salt. Mmmm, so good!

D: fruity tootie smoothie - mango, raspberry, purple grapes, banana, raw honey. So good! tasted just like sherbet!

S: green smoothie - collards, banana.

xoxo michelle joy

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