Thursday, July 7, 2011



I was watching something yesterday...or was i listening to the radio...? a preacher... Oh, i remember, it was a movie! A priest in a movie was taking confession, and this is what the priest said, "We are all programmed to sin. That's why we need to ask God into our hearts to guide us daily, because without him, we will live in sin."

That really touched me. Heck, i'm not so unlike other folks then.

Last night for dinner, i felt like i was sinning.

It wasn't anything really terrible, my dinner just didn't resonate with what my body seemingly wanted, i didn't enjoy it, and I said to myself, "you see? there you go again making bad choices for yourself..." (which feels like a sin).

Lemme start from the beginning of the day.

I woke up not hungry, took a swim, got seriously hungry, came into my mom's house and had a big satisfying peice of watermelon. Great!

About 1:30p.m., i was hungry again. We were on our way out to go shopping. I opened the bag of pizza flavored raw chips i'd bought yesterday, and finished the small bag. I recall halfway in between the eating session feeling like i should stop, that i could stop, that they didn't taste as good anymore and i was already satisfied, but i ate until they were done. They were a small bag, but the point is i ate more than i needed. I was just noticing at this point and there was no self recrimination, no real guilt, no beating myself up. Just noticing.

We went shopping and i marveled how well i can get around now. I'd gotten to the point 40-some lbs ago where walking around was difficult.

When we got home, i had lots of work to do. I write a newsletter for work.

Finally, at 7pm i realized i was getting hungry again. I couldn't believe it took so long.

Cliff was coming over for dinner! I made him a beautiful salad and set it aside for him until he arrived.

I was going to make myself a salad, too. I was defrosting 1/2 container of the gross frozen guacamole. I also had lettuce out, cucumber, tomato, onion.

I reached into the fridge for something and saw my mom had corn on the cob! Mmm, i made a peice for Cliff and chomped on one raw myself. It was delish and hit the spot!

All of a sudden, i sighed, and felt satiated. WHAT? AFTER 1 peice of CORN?

What the hell was my body telling me? I didn't WANT to be finished with dinner...after a CORN...

I made my salad. What was i going to put on it to zip it up? I reached for regular vinegar, poured some into the cap, then pulled back. What was i doing? Regular vinegar gives me a tummy ache. I poured it back, and got a lemon out of the fridge and squirted that all over my salad. BETTER CHOICE.

I'd had a handful of cashews on my salad, the guac, the lemon, some spices, a little basil oil...and i realized that was a lotta fat, and i wasn't even that hungry.

I thoroughly did NOT enjoy the salad...and 3/4 of the way through my plate, I finally said to myself, "Michelle, if you're not enjoying this, throw it out!"

And i did!

Bravo, i told myself. I had just LISTENED to myself and TUNED IN...albeit a little late, but, still, i did it. Oh, also, i tuned in about the vinegar! Bravo, Michey!

The moral of the story is: After a lifetime of DIETING (listening to someone ELSE tell me what i need to eat), it takes practice to listen to yourself, develop confidence in listening to yourself, always make the right choices, etc...

I congratulate myself for the small successes I experienced yesterday throwing food away, recognizing the corn satisfied me, recognizing to turn from regular vinegar because i don't like how it makes my tummy feel....

So, back to my original statement about us needing God, about me needing God to guide me, otherwise, like all humans, i will fuck up royally daily...

Shall we pray? "Dear God, i remember, again, because i forget, that I need to invite you to all of my meals, i need your strength and power to guide me to the right choices for my body, i need your strength and power to stop eating when i've had enough. We all need you, God. Bless us all and give us strength. We can't do this on our own. We ask you for forgiveness, dear Father, when we, your inexperienced children, "fall down go boom." This listening in to ourselves is a skill and a journey and we will need to learn the hard way. We come to you because we want you to pick us back up again and help us walk strong after every fall. We will fall. But, you will help us to grow in confidence and skill. We acknowledge we can't learn if we don't make mistakes. Dear Lord, continue to woo us towards you, teach us what is good for us, whisper in our ears when we are about to do wrong, don't give up on us. With love... Your children."

xoxo michelle joy

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