Wednesday, July 20, 2011


I had such a day yesterday. I felt like i was dying i felt so bad, but it is good to come out of such strong emotions and be able to tell you first hand, that strong feelings....PASS.

Us food addicts are so scared to FEEL. We'd rather numb out on food than face our real feelings.

But, if we eat and push the feelings down, instead of just feeling them, we're doing ourselves a disservice.

Yes, we may feel like we're going to die from feeling so bad..., like I did, today, but we don't. We don't die. We just feel awful. And incapacitated from feeling so bad.

But, we feel better soon.

The way i felt today was akin to how i imagine a person would feel when a beloved close family member dies. You feel like you can't move from bed, you feel like you don't have the energy to even raise up your arm. That's what it felt like today to feel strong emotions of discouragement and failure from facing my shortcomings.

THIS is what i used to eat 10 hamburgers over.

I don't do that today.

I know now that soon I will feel better... If I would eat the 10 hamburgers, feeling better never comes.

This is what helped: Talking about how i felt to close loved ones, crying, getting in the pool, even though i was not even being able to swim a lap because of the intense weight of the emotional burden, getting in the hottub at the clubhouse and closing my eyes, talking more on the phone about it, doing a few water calisthenics even though i was crying in between moves and i felt absolutely zapped of energy, I made a good dinner for my parents and Cliff, I helped my parents pack for their vacation - it all EVENTUALLY made the burden of feeling so bad, lift.

Eating 10 hamburgers would have made me incapable of helping my parents, incapable of talking through it. You push it down and push it down and all of those bad things you think about yourself fester and grow. Plus, you're fatter, and you can add that to your list of failures. It's not a good way to live.

Even sunning outside for a half hour, closing my eyes, and just trying to meditate, felt at least like a small accomplishment. "Hey, what did you do today?" "I got a little tanner today."

Low self esteem, underachievement, and a feeling of "i'm not good enough," and "no one wants me," are at the root of of my eating disorder, and at the root of the choices i've made in life.

It's hard to look that right in the eye, it's hard to sit with that and FEEL it, but, i found out, you don't die from it, and now, i have a chance to work THROUGH it.

There is also a fair amount of bitterness built up from all of the years of abuse for being fat and people judging me negatively because i'm fat, and it just seems like I can't break free from it. If i lose weight to be "good enough," i resent that. If i stay fat to say, "f.u.," I don't get anywhere. If a thin person and a fat person apply for the same job, the thin person usually wins it. There is still such descrimination in the world. We have to learn to fight stronger for ourselves and our rights.

There's this vicious circle - you're fat, so people don't hire you, you lose confidence and turn to food, so you're fatter, and people won't hire you, so you lose confidence, and turn to food. You weaken and weaken yourself in the process. You may even more MUCH more qualified than the thin person, but you've been squashed down so many times, you lose confidence, you lose the fight.

Sticking to raw food is at least another small accomplishment on a day like today. "At least I stayed raw through it...," you can say.

Overdoing raw food is not living my best life and is not best for me.

On the other hand, a person can only do what they can do for today, and you have to be grateful you're doing as well as you are, even if it's not perfect.

The raw honeymoon I was on...seems to have changed dynamics to a raw struggle over the last few days. Too many bags of raw chips, just eaten for comfort.

At least, raw food, even when you overdo it, doesn't put permanent weight on you like cooked does. At least you know you can always juice or do fruit for a few days.

When you're feeling like you can take some control back, you can assert these kinds of disciplines on yourself, and win back your self confidence. Walking and exercising also burns up raw food so fast. I experienced that first hand when i was away. I ate a hearty raw gourmet dinner and because i was walking daily, i just burned it up!

I can't let raw discouragement get to me.

I ate watermelon for breakfast and for snack today, instead of that friggin' bagel i wanted so bad that my mother had defrosting on the counter. That felt like a huge accomplishment.

I emailed some raw food restaurants my resume. Another small accomplishment.
Small accomplishments add up and each action forward seem to pick you up a little.

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The bible says we will have VICTORY over addictions (including food addiction and binge eating) if we turn to GOD every day and ask Him to remove our compulsions.

I can't forget to keep praying and asking for His guidance. I can't forget to keep meditating and filling myself with a peaceful ground base from which to live life. Why I am so easily derailed? I need to establish a spiritual routine.

When i'm feeling really bad, like life will never get better, like I will never get better, it feels so good to trust in Him. I feel purified and cradled and supported, even if just for a moment. Burgers don't do that.

No matter how much armchair psychologist "wisdom" I have, if I don't ask for His help, I don't get the benefit of His supernatural power to resist Temptation.

When we take matters into our own hands, we always screw up. Isn't that the way it is? Put it all in His hands. If we eat, we're saying, "Forget you, i can handle this all on my own, and i'm going to show you how! Chomp, bite, slurp!" He can work it out better than we can. Or, it's just better for us to BELIEVE He can. Learn to trust and leave the results to Him.

Even the best wise diet or life advice seems not to make any sense in the face of food Temptation. That's why, the only one who can save us from compulsion, is GOD. We need supernatural power to overcome the pull of food. Plain and simple. Period. End of sentence. We cannot do this on our own.

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Writing a blog entry, when I'd rather be eating a bucket of fried chicken, is also a positive step. It teaches me I can manage my emotions by writing instead of eating, and if you're still struggling, it teaches you, that there is another way.

At least if you push THROUGH the pain, like a BIRTH, you have a chance to redeem yourself at some point. Take what you've learned about yourself and go about fixing it. Eating hamburgers only drags what little self esteem you have even lower. And then when you look at yourself in the mirror and you're all bloated and puffed out, you're back in the loop. More eating to make you feel better to forget what you just ate.

I wanna be free of that loop, forever.

At least when you don't resort to eating, but just feel like shit, that's a huge accomplishment in itself. You can be proud that you're growing. You're getting better. Even though you feel worse.

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Joel Osteen says, "God made each one of us with ROYAL blood running through our veins!"

Amen! We were made for GREAT things, GREAT accomplishments! He created us to do ANYTHING! When i hear that, i am reminded of the greatness in me. Suddenly i can sing better, i can walk, I can do anything!

We just forget that over and over.

We need to hear it everyday!

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Constantly going to food for a MAJORLY destructive habit. We may feel better for the moment, but food binds us, and we are soon in bondage, with no hope to escape it's hold over us.

We need to Break the chain!

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Don't base your self esteem on your long list of failures.

Base your self esteem on how many times you pick yourself back up.

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Good fortune is around the corner.


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When you're feeling bad, reach out, sit with it, don't eat, and use some good resources. Here is an excellent Christian video I watched yesterday, even though i'm Jewish, it has so much common sense wisdom, and an article on the meditation technique i learned at , which has it's roots in Judeo-Christian teachings. As a matter of fact, i'm going to go do my meditation now. We have to learn how to release our burdens to God and trust in Him, daily, and this is one way. Extra Food is not the way.


ARTICLE, "MILITARY PRAISES FANTASTIC NEW POST TRAUMATIC STRESS THERAPY": (The meditation technique i always talk about has been being used by war vets for many years now, thanks to the, to help with post traumatic stress. If the meditation works for them, there is NO reason why it shouldn't work for US! If they see bombs and attackers everywhere, isn't that akin to us being attacked by FOOD and FAST FOOD restaurants left and right? It seems sometimes there is NO escaping food. But there is. There are links in the article to the meditation which is originally sponsored by , a non-profit church organization, whose teachings i have supported for years.)

xoxo michelle joy

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