It seems when i got back from vacation, my motivated daily walks and the amazing newfound discipline I had with low fat raw, enjoying light and lean smoothies for breakfast, light and lean fruit for lunch, and a moderate gourmet raw dinner...evaporated into a poof!
I risk discouraging readers by being forthcoming about my constant struggles, but we are none of us created the same, and this is apparantly my pattern, my great struggle. I think it's the most honest thing to do to report the truth. We're all learning, we're all cycling to some extent with something in our lives, and there's strength in admitting the truth.
On Wednesday, I'll be 9 weeks raw, with what feels like not much to show for it. I was doing so amazing on vacation, i surely touched down around 325 lbs with all of the exercise and self denial and lost 50 lbs.
When i came home from vacation...
No, actually on the RIDE home, eating gourmet raw zucchini spaghetti at the Turnpike stop because i was bored, not necessarily hungry, started a cycle of not listening to my body (eating when i wasn't hungry), and resisting exercise, that i've not been able to break free from, and it's 10 days later.
Add to that some super emotional hurtful things with family have taken place, and here I am back in that low vibrating, high fat raw, sedentary, weight gaining state i used to be so familiar with.
I never thought i could be back here. I'm back.
Yesterday, i broke down and said to myself, "This is awful, how am i going to get out of this?" I haven't been meditating or praying, so i can't get that to work. I haven't been choosing low fat. I haven't been exercising. I feel bad about me and just want to mope.
When it dawned on me that the one thing i could control....was my attitude, things began to perk up.
I decided to be GRATEFUL for everything yesterday. Grateful that we came home from my parents' house, otherwise the ripening bananas would have overcooked in the heat, grateful that i have a great caring guy to love, grateful that i'm still raw even though cooked food tempts me daily, grateful that i'm not as heavy as i once was.
In changing my attitude to an attitude of gratitude, something shifted in me, and i actually didn't do too bad today with my eating. My legs also felt twitchy and wanted to walk. It's a start.
What the Secret says seems to actually be true, that the more grateful we are for what we have, the better we feel, the better we do.
The effortless effort way of breaking out of a bad cycle. Change your attitude and your behavior changes....automatically without force.
Good lesson, and something I am going to work on with a newfound appreciation today!
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Today i am grateful for: my hot messy house! At least i have a roof over my head, and the rooms with A/C are super cool! I am so grateful to have so much, so many nice things, and the potential for such a beautiful home. I am grateful i got all of my laundry done, too.
Today i am grateful for: my singing! Shaie, an amazing actress/singer, was sharing with me about how us artists can be so unwaveringly critical of our own art. She shared this charming figurative description with me: "When you sing, it's like you just took a shit, and you look at the shit and say, 'man, that stinks, it's ugly, it's smelly, it's disgusting,' you find everything that's wrong with it, where you SHOULD be realizing that the shit you just shit is actually a golden nugget that just fell from your ass! You should admire it and say, 'you are a thing of beauty, thank you God for what i can do right, at least i got through the whole song once.' Thank you, Shaie! You are so right. Vocal control is a gift from God I receive when i am in a high vibrational state. Gratitude for what i CAN do right brings me more into alignment with my best self and my best singing self. Thank you for reminding me!
Today, I apply gratitude to my still raw state! I wanted Cliff's pasta last night, but didn't eat it. When would it stop? Staying raw i still have a chance to get back under control. I recognize that things could be MUCH MUCH worse...with 10 hamburgers a day, fried fish and french fry binges, ....and here i am complaining about eating too much raw delicious "Sea Greens Salad" from All the Way Live!
Today, I apply gratitude to the love I have with my honey. Our relationship may not be the most romantic, passionate, but we have a true love and concern and support for each other. That is ALOT more than many couples have and I consider myself lucky on a daily basis.
Today, I am grateful for my body. I'm still better than i was BEFORE raw. There is still a modicum of control to my behavior and no matter what, i still know i am doing better for my body drinking too much smoothie than drinking too much soda. I'm grateful i have legs to walk and some hair, at least, on my head!
Here is a nice article: http://zenhabits.net/why-living-a-life-of-gratitude-can-make-you-happy/
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FEELING ABUSED LEADS TO RAW FOOD ABUSE
Yesterday I was feeling so wounded, i'd had a run in with my abusive self centered father and another with my insensitive brother. (How to be grateful for THAT when i'm still left reeling???) I cried, i felt my feelings, and then...
I knew what i was doing - medicating with food - but i did it anyway.
I ordered 3 raw meals from All The Way Live and polished them off, in addition to about 3/4 of a pound of assorted raw cheeses from the Chestnut Hill Cheese Shop.
It was all very delicious and heavy, and, i did it.
Did it change anything about what happened with my family? No. I'm just fatter now.
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In 10 days my wonderful new plan of raw eating...unraveled.
Stress? Emotions? Just plain returning to compulsive eating instead of intuitive eating? Just allowing myself to get sucked into a negative downward cycle? Beating myself up? Discouragement?
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I know it's preferable to be a raw VEGAN and my eating raw cow's milk cheese, i failed at that, but with my thinning hair (from being back on raw), I figure that maybe the extra protein may have done my hair follicles some good, though it hasn't done my waistline any favors....
Megan asked me, "Are you eating enough greens?" I suppose i could do alot better.
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On Friday at work, it was as if God was sending me messages loud and clear to focus on fruitarian.
Matt Warner of http://www.rawnaturalliving.com/ dropped by, as did it seemed every fruitarian on the face of the earth. It was such a funny day. Was God talking to me?
Shaie came by and I told her, you know, i wasn't doing great, and she could see in my demeanor and in what looks like no more weight loss than the last time she saw me (i did lose but gained back from lack of movement and from too much salt and fat).
Shaie does not eat salt or nuts. She is 65 days raw, I am 8.5 weeks, yet she is having dramatic amazing results, and i have faltered and fallen back into compulsive behavior.
"Michelle, it doesn't sound like salt and nuts are serving your best interest."
I have to laugh now as it makes sense, but seems so ridiculous. Only people who struggle with raw food would understand.
Matt Warner seemed to second that opinion, "I used to be addicted and binge on gourmet raw, too," he offered. "On fruitarian, i only eat when i'm hungry."
Well, you can't argue with results. I've been there before, too.
It was a message that was being shot to me left and right on Friday. Pat called and we chatted. Pat also struggles with wanting more gourmet than she feels is good for her, "Oh, God, the raw burger and raw lasagne at All The Way Live are soooo good, but they have a thick layer of nut cheese on them," she warned me. "Don't order them!" Pat is focusing more on fruit these days and liking the results.
I know, girl, i know, but....
I ordered them, both!
I keep thinking i can return to those balanced days i had at OHI with low fat raw as the bulk of my diet, intense exercise as the rule, and gourmet raw for fun.
Why can't i keep all three of those plates spinning at the same time....LONG TERM? Things spin easily out of control for me.
I'm also thinking that more than ANYTHING, my problems are all about DISCIPLINE.
I just need to learn DISCIPLINE and I can achieve ANYTHING i want.
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VIBRANT LIVING FESTIVAL
No matter what...., we raw folks have got to celebrate, have fun, support each other, make time to learn, relax, and enjoy!
If you're in the Philadelphia metropolitan area, take a short trip to the beautiful countryside and spend the day with me and some of my friends at the Vibrant Living Festival! I'll be singing some pretty stuff, so come on out!
Harmony Hill Gardens
1341 Mill Road
Sellersville, PA 18960
JULY 31st, 2011
-Musical Performers, Opera with Chef Michelle, and a DJ
-Delicious Low Fat Raw Vegan Food by Megan Elizabeth, Smoothies, Banana Ice Cream, and DURIAN ICE CREAM
-Lectures on Creating Healthy Bodies, Minds, Spirits, and Relationships
-Low Fat Raw Vegan Food Prep Demo by Megan Elizabeth
-Ending with a Drum Circle and Bonfire! (and smores? JK)
Check out the Schedule for the festival here: http://vibrantlivingfestival.com/ and please use the link above for purchasing tickets with the discount code "JOY".
Here's a fun video from Vibrant Living Festival 2010 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M90NQWiUVe0
Hang in there, Be grateful for where you are today (it could always be worse), and i hope to see you there! :)
xoxo michelle joy