Tuesday, March 15, 2011


BR: berry, chocolate, date, banana smoothie

LN: raw protein lunch: 1 scoop raw sprouted garbanzo hummus, raw celery sticks, red pepper & cucumber.

SN: raspberry, carob, banana, agave shake.

EXERCISE: 15 mins. of bellydance video. 1 hour walk with Cliff outside, with a few breaks to catch my breath!

DINNER: homemade bean 'n veggie stew, 2.5 servings. That was followed by 2 oz of salmon. And 6 gluten free cookies.

COMPULSIVE EATING: Scared! While cooking, I tasted 2 tastes of a turkey meatball while cooking for Cliff. It was freakin' delicious. I haven't eaten turkey in 4 years. I wasn't sure how my seasoning was, and most of the time, i'll chew a little peice of something and then spit it out. This time I swallowed. "What's really the difference between turkey and fish?" My head was going something crazy. And Williamson was talking on the CD JUST THEN that we should truly eat something if we WANT it. I'm like, "Fuck, i'm in crisis right now, because i could really WANT this!" Was I experiencing a new "freedom" or was it fear? It was a VERY scary place to be in. I could just envision myself diving in and eating ALL of the meatballs, not a few as a meal. There's something with me and meat, i think, being very addictive. Is it meat or is it me? Anyway, because i had 2 bites i was SERIOUSLY afraid i'd binge on it. I came to the conclusion that FEAR is addictive. Not turkey. And if i live in fear, i am compelled to do things I don't 'want' to do. I understand now that we have CHOICES. I have chosen to draw a line in the sand between fish and poultry. And, i crossed that line a teeensy bit. Crossing the line was what scared me. Are lines set up in food okay? healthy? Regular Eating Disorder people are couseled to have NO lines. Neverthless, instead of allowing FEAR to lead me, i was able to let the turkeyballs alone for Cliff and the desire for them evaporated. That was an interesting experience and it taught me that FEAR vs. CHOICE is a very BIG BIG issue.

I stopped eating hamburgers and all meat because I KNEW they were trigger foods. I mean, i could eat an entire brisket MYSELF. And, knowing I am an "A" blood type gave me the awareness that i don't even NEED meat for my system, that it does me more harm than good.

So did I stop meat out of FEAR...or out of CHOICE???? And what do i do about it now?

Do I need to be AFRAID of food anymore? Or should I make CHOICES that make sense to me when I am in a calm, loving state? Does food cause binges? Or does FEAR? I thought I knew the answer. It seems a different answer all of the time. Does FOOD drive me or FEAR? Sometimes I have perfectly peacefilled meals with fish. Other times, I am seriously compulsive with fish.

Williamson talks ALOT about TRIGGER FOODS and how we need to come to terms with what are our TRIGGER foods. She warns, "You KNOW what they are." Whew, this is a scary prospect. Do I? Do I?

When I went to OHI, i had given up COMPLETELY and washed my hands of cooked food. "Cooked food is addictive and it has made my life unmanagable." That stance WORKED for me.

If I were REALLY really honest with myself...how well am I doing on the cooked? Not that great.

Even after the turkey success, I would have thought i'd have been safe for the evening. But about an hour later, in between watching past episodes of America's Next Top Model, I was compelled to have my dinner. I wasn't exactly hungry, but it was "dinnertime" and it would have made the episodes more fun. The compulsive part of me said it was time for dinner and entertainment and the entertainment was the mixture of food and TV. So, dinner didn't stop with just dinner. And by the time I tore my eyes away from the computer, my stew was burning and all of the liquid had evaporated. I tasted it... It was so salty and burnt on the bottom. So i ate the whole thing. Isn't that such an eating disorder thing to do, to eat something BECAUSE it's burnt and salty? And salty things trigger me and my food addiction or my fear in a BIG way. I was working so hard on being so conscious of the fear, I heard myself say to myself, "my legs are going to blow up" "my face is going to blow up," "I tasted 2 bites of turkey, I'm going to binge!!", so I was present to the forces at war within me, and thought a binge wouldn't occur.

Instead, i allowed myself to lose control of the meal because i was enjoying the act of eating while watching America's Next Top Model on youtube so much, I wanted it to continue after the first satisfying and filling plate of bean stew. It turned out the burnt parts were actually yummy, and didn't taste burnt, but smoked. Yet i figured, "Am i really going to want to eat these burnt beans tomorrow?" In a compulsive, irrational, neurotic state, burnt makes sense for now.

I'm learning from Williamson that Eating is supposed to be done in peace, not in front of entertainment, but I fell back into old habits. Eating can EASILY spin out of control in front of entertainment and turn into entertainment itself.

I was also conscious of the fact that I was freaking EXHAUSTED from the walk, and freakin' resistent to doing the dishes because i was SO tired. I was in a fight with myself with the leftover beans calling me. That walk WORE me OUT!

So, instead of going to the gym again like i thought i "should," and instead of doing the dishes, like i thought i "should," i decided to eat the burnt bean stew and watch my favorite show and eat the cookies i discovered in the cubbard the other day as a kind of pleasurable punishment for being BAD. So there, Michelley! Take this lashing, and that, slap, bam, boom!

This thing I asked myself to do - 2 hours of exercise a day - I figured it wouldn't be hard. The people on the weightloss shows on TV do it. And i used to do it at OHI. But I was raw then. Maybe that was the difference.

And, I have GOT to remember that 2 hours of exercise a day might be do-able if it's LOW INTENSITY, like water walking in the pool is for me. I easily did 2 hours on a water walking day. But a walk up the Manayunk hills is MEDIUM to HIGH intensity for me at this weight, and it knocked me for a loop. I was exhausted, but didn't want to admit it, because I was incredulous I could BE so tired since i'd hardly DONE anything else that day. I guess I'm really out of shape.

And I was "shoulding" myself the whole evening. "You should exercise again, you should finish the dishes." This is a really important lesson for myself:

~ Often in a state of exhaustion and irritation, i'll overeat as an EXCUSE not to do what i can't give myself permission not to do in the first place. ~

When I untwisted my head from all of the disordered thinking, i fell asleep on the couch at 8pm. Zonked, i'd given myself permission to feel tired. And the binge never went further because I'd forgiven myself for over-doing it with the food under those circumstances. I was loving myself by stopping and resting.

LESSON: Life is learning. Not everything makes sense right away. This is a process, and I'm right smack in the middle of it. Questioning, learning, falling, getting back up. Success is in a zigzag. Up. Down. Up. Down. We don't go straight to CURED.

Williamson said something so powerful on this. "When the Dr. gives you medicine, you take it, but you don't expect yourself to be cured from the very first dose, do you?" Sometimes we have setbacks. Sometimes the medicine takes a while to work.

I acknowledge that i am in the process of....GETTING better every day.

xoxo michelle joy

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hi, I wanted to mention to anyone interested (and who doesn't know about it) that there is a support website that goes with A Course in Weight Loss - www.acourseinweightloss.com. There is an upcoming retreat in New York state which sounds amazing.