Well, today is Monday! It's been exactly a week since I've been on my new plan, and today is the day I'm to weigh myself!
I'm not going to!!!
You wanna know why?
I don't NEED to!
The pants I bought the day before I started my new program (because nothing fit me i was gaining so quickly) are now falling off of me and I've had to pin them tighter around my waist. THAT is the only confirmation I need that I'm moving in the right direction! What's in a number??? The scale has been something for me that held the key to my self esteem. It doesn't anymore. I hold the key to my self esteem! We'll revisit the weight number issue another time!
I feel happy today! Our clean and organized living spaces downstairs have rejuvenated and motivated me and Cliff like nothing else could have.
My, my... You know, they say the state of your HOUSE reflects WHO you are? Well, it also affects how you FEEL. The beautiful downstairs attests to AND encourages my lighter, more loving, more happy, more beauty-oriented state! Gone are the hopeless feelings of only LAST WEEK. What a difference a WEEK can make!!!
A little bit of effort...and so much change has occurred. I feel gratitude abounding.
This week, i committed to exercising more, which i did. I committed to staying on my food combining food plan better, which I did. I committed to studying the Marianne Williamson book, "A Course In Weight Loss" and it's accompanying Meditation CD, which I did. I scanned myself daily. How do i feel physically? emotionally? spiritually? How is my singing? The state of my house? I wrote. I cried. I prayed. I continue to lead "SECRET FRIDAYS," a class at Arnold's Way every Friday night, dedicated to positive thinking and the law of attraction, even though i wasn't always succeeding. I continued to lead it, because I WANTED to succeed.
How did i do this? With the power of EFFORT? WILL POWER?
...No...No effort, no will power....
...Something still and quiet....
I couldn't go another day doing things my way. "I surrender!"
A power GREATER than myself took over. And i said, "YES!" to it.
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All i can say is, all it takes is ONE DAY to turn an entire life around. One day. The Monday I was inspired to change my life, I actually followed through on what i said i would and experienced a blessed day.
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We all have two forces running our lives. The one force is for destruction. The other is for healing and health.
We are capable of great things. Great devastation. Or great rebuilding, renewing.
We have a CHOICE.
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I have been turning to God, to my understanding of who God is, for the power to make changes. And I am seeing that without God, no change is possible.
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At OHI, 4 years ago, when I lost my initial 140 lbs, we prayed and meditated many times DAILY. We didn't go into a meal without thanking GOD for it. They didn't just throw us a plate of raw food. No, no, we were transported to a place where we felt cradled in the arms of a great Healing Creator.
No wonder i did so well there.
So, i've been trying, at home, to duplicate the retreat atmosphere, and you know what? I found out that i DON'T NEED to run away everytime things fall apart. I CAN DO THIS ON MY OWN. I am STRONGER than I think I am.
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And I BELIEVED I was being cured of obesity and binge eating at OHI, and because I believed it, I was!
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And then binge eating came back when i left OHI, even as a raw foodist.
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Later, I got caught up in depriving myself so stringently as the only way to remove binge eating. But, there was little LOVE in the approach and coach I turned to. And LOTS of Fear. "If you don't eat just bananas, you will continue to binge for the rest of your life!" I gained back 40 lbs on a fear-binge eating in just a week. Fear RAN me after I stopped with Dr. D. Fear ran me right to MacDonalds. Right to lots and lots and lots and lots of fried stuff. Everytime I'd eat something other than a banana, the world came crashing down on me. "I'm a failure. I'm no good. I'm doomed."
How do OTHER people STOP binge eating on REGULAR FOOD?
I've come to learn that Raw food has the potential for TREMENDOUS healing. But within the raw community, there are also eating disorders and emotional disorders rampant, and much fear-mongering.
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Anna Inez, a raw foodist American Indian "medicine woman" helped me and Cliff to see that cooked food wasn't going to kill us, but could actually return Cliff and I to a modicum of health.
Through food combining, we saw that our bodies became more and more alkeline, even with eating fish and potatoes, "cooked evil food," but in a certain combination. We tested our urine regularly with PH test strips, and the longer we followed the food combining proscribed by Anna-Inez, the more and more alkeline we became!
I kept falling off of the program, overeating everything, fish, potatoes, running on fear. As i munched and munched away on leftover fish, i said to myself, "I love this, god-dammit, it is so freakin' delicious, I LOVE fish, I don't want to give this up for just bananas. But, look at me, I can't stop. I'm doomed. Cursed. Fish is addictive and I can't stop eating it!" Plenty of times eating it in a state of peace taught me differently. It really wasn't the fish that was addictive, but my FEAR that it was addictive that propeled the binge.
I'm not sure what i'll do with fish. I'm allowing myself to enjoy it now. When and IF i decide to give up fish (if I come to believe it is harmful for me), and i want to return to more raw, it will be by GOD'S PRODDING. Marianne says, in dealing with foods we want to give up, "One day, you will wake up and no longer want it."
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Nevertheless, following food combining and eating in moderation this past week, with a few minor slips, has been such a blessing. Cravings have diminished, my body feels better, i feel better. Exercise has changed my body in only a WEEK! I'm so much stronger! And I didn't even exercise everyday for 2 hours as I thought i needed to. Some days i did. Some days i rested and listened to my body. This has been such an experience!
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It's been the Marianne Williamson teachings that enabled me to accomplish what I've accomplished this week.
Returning to positive thinking and spirituality.....and taking positive action and steps toward wellness, like TRUSTING food combining and returning to exercise, have lit a fire in me that is burning bright!
I'm on my way!
You know why?
Because i say I am!
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The SECRET teaches us to not bemoan what "is," but to focus on what we want. By that, i can explain by this: being depressed about my situation (ever growing weight gain, more and more out of shape, feel like a failure, cluttered depressing house, turning to food constantly, no end in sight, etc...) and complaining about it constantly only ever got me MORE of the same.
By switching the focus to affirming how I wanted my life to be, my dream life (food in control, cease binge eating, lose weight, enjoy foods i like, clean house, exercise, more romance with Cliff), and asking God to help me, and using the tool of AFFIRMATIONS, I suddenly I started to be in a mental position to actually MAKE improvements to my life.
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The real kicker was receiving the Marianne Williamson book and Meditation CD in the mail from Amazon. Reading the Forward, even, make me understand why all of my attempts to get my food in order over the last year have failed. I was living in FEAR, instead of LOVE.
The book, the CD, and it's teachings have completely changed me. I'm living in LOVE today. And it's SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!
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Writing the blog is a joy again! For a long while, I only received pain everytime I wrote, because i only wrote about my pain, and was stuck in it. I couldn't dig myself out of it, no matter how hard i tried.
I now understand I was unwittingly blocking the flow of LOVE (healing) in all aspects of my life by living in FEAR.
It's amazing how pervading FEAR has been in my life. I have to scan myself DAILY to look for it. Do i see it? When i look in the mirror, am I afraid? Afraid I'm getting fatter even though i KNOW i'm doing "good" things? Afraid this isn't working? Or do i trust God? Trust the process? And stop listening to that 'disordered' part of myself. When i go to eat, am i afraid? Afraid i'll overdo it? Or do i trust God, trust my highest potential, and ask for peace and calmness and follow through? When i go to the fridge, am I afraid I'll binge if I have a snack because I really am hungry? Or do i trust the God-given barometer inside of me, hunger, and trust that when i eat, i need to? When i get in the car to drive, am i afraid I'll go binge at a fast food restaurant? Or do i trust the Lord to keep me safe?
FEAR was running every part of my day, and that's only the part with food. There are so many other areas where FEAR was in charge. With my singing. With my relationship. I could go on and on.
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Cut to the chase. Love is now blooming in "Love Kitchen," in my beautiful organized downstairs, in my pants getting looser, in my relationship with Cliff, in my desire to exercise again. Heck, and just yesterday, i was asked by a raw food book author to submit my recipes for her book. I declined! Imagine the moxy. I decided to write MY OWN raw food book. I feel EMPOWERED to, now! And just yesterday, when i sang so beautifully, I decided to make a CD of me singing arias. I know how to sing again.
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CREATIVITY is in the air. New energy is overtaking me. Gone is the hopelessness, the fear, the procrastination, the lonliness, the depression, the indecision, the overwhelm. We're in a new vibe now.
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I once thought raw food CURED binge eating. It MAY help alleviate binge eating to a GREAT extent. But, today I know the REAL answer.
~ LOVE cures binge eating ~
May God bless Marianne Williamson for teaching me the missing link. I understand now.
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This is the beginning of a new, wondrous phase. Thank you for being a part of it with me! Please write comments and send emails. They really make my day.
xoxo michelle joy