Tuesdy, March 8, 2011
Monday Weigh-In: 356.5 lbs
Highest Weight: 425 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 68.5 lbs, YAY! I'm celebrating SUCCESS from now on!
GOAL: To lose 60 lbs by May 7, 2011, putting my total weight loss back at 128.5 lbs.
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FOOD LOG - Tuesday, March 8, 2011
I'll be updating this throughout the day. I haven't eaten yet!
Br: mango, banana, raspberry shake with agave, yum.
Snack: 2 tastes of raw cheese at the cheese shop
Ln: vietnamese noodles with veggies, tea, water
Dinner: 1 leftover tuna pattie, some mixed beans, maybe 1/2 c. of millet
Snack: shake of banana, raspberry, carob, romaine. hungry!
Snack: 1 small can of chickpeas. HUNGRY!!!
Affirmation: I feel no shame, no guilt, no judgement about what i've eaten. i've eaten when i'm hungry and followed the plan to the best of my ability today.
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THE "O-METER" SECTION
Gauges how i do day-to-day in the important stuff that will help me keep my food on track...
SCAL-0-meter: I weigh myself every Monday morning, 1x/week, which i did yesterday.
MOV-o-meter: goal of 2 hours/day
CLEAN-o-meter: Plan to straighten up living room and dining room and vacume as well as do the few dishes in the sink from last night.
NEG-o-meter: Some thoughts of FEAR. Wow, Marianne's book is on target. Glad to have acknowledged the fear. Identifying is the first step. Feel motivated, however, not feeling negative today. Looking forward to the day.
SECRET-o-meter: Read 2 installments of the Secret Scrolls this morning and emailed my positive thinking buddy. Also listening to the A Course in Weightloss CD in the kitchen. Wow, is THAT ever a blessed recording. So moving it makes me tear up. Filled with prayers and meditations. Awesome.
SING-o-meter: Sang some today.
MUSIC-o-meter: Need to listen to music everyday for inspiration. This video makes me weep with such a profound sadness. Oh, my god, her little deformed toe. And she covers it up with a sock. That sock is my fat. And, Adrien Brody, laughs at her and it hurt her. He comes back to her and undresses her foot and caresses her ugly deformed toe and loves her with such tenderness. Adrien Brody, come and undress me and caress my stretchmarks and kiss me like this, oh my god. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1A6T5qx1GE
NEGLECT-o-meter: Well....after watching that video.... Actually, Cliff's been very attentive today. I feel loved! The happier i am, the happier he is!
GOD-o-meter: Marianne Williamson's new book, "A Course In Weight Loss," explains my situation with food like no other book i've read. This is the answer. Buy it today. http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=a+course+in+weight+loss
FEEL-o-meter: Feeling lots and lots of sadness today, feeling somewhat in mourning. The sock is my fat. I cover up my perceived deformity. SHAME. "A Course in Miracles" is starting to bring up the pain i repress, i think. As i moved through the day, i felt mostly joy. Wow! I overcame the sadness, naturally! Had a happy day!
FRUSTR-0-meter: A little dissappointed. I hurt my toe yesterday. LATER: Cliff wrapped it and it barely bothered me all day. Wow, i'm an overcomer!
BOD-o-meter: I hurt my toe water walking yesterday! The skin scraped from the bottom of it. (I'll need to find my water shoes again and wear them in the pool to prevent this from happening again.) Having a hurt toe just when i commit to exercising significantly daily? Feels like the beginning of a war between good and evil. Who will win this battle? I WILL!!! I AM!!!
HUNG-o-meter: HUNGRY! I'm gonna go make my shake! Was hungry for every meal today and that feels like the return of a long lost friend. Eating from hunger instead of from compulsion is such a joy. God. This is how normal people live and now i'm one of them. Who knew all i needed was spirituality? Only GOD can remove the obsession. Man, this is working!
COMP-EAT-o-meter: Affirmation: "Self control, self discipline, focus, planning, following through are GREAT gifts today. Thank you, God, the source of all GOOD." No compulsive eating today.
AQUA-o-meter - (GOAL 100 oz H2O daily, in addition to smoothies): drank 70 oz so far. That may be it for the night.
CREAT-o-meter: Need to keep my eye on doing creative things as an outlet.
EXPRESS-o-meter: Feels empowering being connected here again in a positive way. Not complaining, doing, wow! Wrote a good friend a revealing email, too, and that felt good also. Intimacy = In To Me See.
HONEST-o-meter: Haven't lied to myself yet today! Still doing good!
FOODLOG-o-meter: I logged every bite!
STICKTOTHEPLAN-o-meter: So far so good! I'm okay with it!
SPEED-o-meter (how fast I eat): Bkfst - medium, hard to drink shakes slowly / Lunch - slow, purposefully slow / Dinner - slow
Affirm-o-meter: "The skin rubbing off on the bottom of my toe is unfortunate, but really not a major deal. I am not hurt, though I acknowledge the discomfort, and I find ways to work around it." I am a success today!
GRATITUD-O-METER - Still feeling grateful for feeling motivated again and grateful to have had a very productive, positive day yesterday. Thank you, God!
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From my dear friend and buddy, Glenda, a Blog-angel, who reminds us to "keep praizin' Him"!
Michelle, I'm so proud of your evolution.
That's exactly what you're going through. You are evolving into what you will become.
Your post on "The Course in Weight Loss" had me weeping, not crying but, weeping.
I connected so deeply with it. I know that spirituality is the only way to go for full recovery.
I'm only having partial success in going mostly raw. There was always something missing.
When I messed up, I felt that God didn't love me because of the mess up and I'm always full of fear.
I feel that I'm being drawn to this book as an aid to unlock the thing within me that's sabatoging my efforts all the time.
After I read the blog I wanted the book, but you know my funds are limited.
Borders had the book on sale online for $14.96 but, I wanted the book now not later. So the price is 24.95.
I felt led to try to find a coupon online, which I did for 33% off for this weekend only at Borders.
I printed that coupon out and called the store and they set the book aside for me. I pick it up tonight.
Do you see how if you put your mind and heart on something, God opens it up so you have the thing that you need most for victory.
I'm so happy, because we are fighters you and I know that we will not give up nor give in until we are victorious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want you to know that I Love you and need for you to continue your blog. I never stopped praying for you.
Girl, you are so strong and courageous.
Keep pressing onward girl to victory.
Glenda \i/ Praizin' Him !
Dear Glenda, Thank you for your friendship, love and prayers for so long. I'm so grateful for your friendship. You remind me not to give up on myself. You say I inspire you? That is a great compliment. YOU inspire me! I'm so glad we're in this together! This book feels like the ANSWER, no? I'm so excited to hear of it's impact on you. Please write and let me know. I've read the Forward and the intro and read through the first lesson, and will work on the first lesson today, though i'm a little scared to start digging in beneath what Williamson calls, "The Brick Wall." The brick wall is what we've built around ourselves. The brick wall is the sock in the Tori Amos video. To protect us from hurt, ridicule, because we're ashamed. Even in just having read through the list of "bricks," a sadness wells up in me. Every brick is made up of one of the many things weighting us down: shame, fear, jealousy, inferiority, injustice, just a few of the long list that i could recall. I feel the wall already breaking down. I feel an awareness of so much sadness. I'm not going to discount or push it down. I'm going to respect it. Though the "Secret" says to not FEEL negative feelings, I've always thought that was a terribly blanket statement that could be so dangerous. I'm going to trust that in bringing up old hurts, i'll be cleansing and freeing myself of them, instead of dwelling on them or attracting more. I've been reciting the prayers and paging through the book and am just highly inspired by it. I found the forward by Dr. Dean Ornish surprisingly insightful and spiritual from a guy who i thought only preached low fat diets for heart patients. Even he understands the missing link.
The Intro by Marianne Williamson set the whole thing straight.
"Neither poor diet or exercise are the cause of your excess weight...The cause of your excess weight is in your mind. The cause of your excess weight is fear, which is a place in your mind where love is blocked. Fear expresses itself as subconscious urges, which then express themselves as either excessive and/or unhealthy eating habits, and/or resistence to proper exercise.... This course is not about your relationship with food. This course is about your relationship with love. For love is your true healer and miracles occur naturally in the presence of love.... Reconnecting to your spiritual reality is acheived through a force called Divine Mind. It is a gift from God that will return you to your sanity, whenever you choose to call on it. Your compulsion is a place where in your spiritual forgetfulness, you go temporarily insane...if even for a moment...and trigger your binge food mania. Lost in this forgetfulness, you become confused in your thinking and are unable to say "NO" when something truly harmful to your wellbeing is posing as a loving and supportive friend... The power of love is perfect, creative, self organizing, healthy, self healing and abundant. The power of fear is insane, destructive, violent, disease producing, and lacking. [The power of fear] expresses itself as an imposter self, perverting your true nature and making you behave in a way that is opposite of who you truly are. It is spiritually immature to underestimate the power of these two forces. Both of them are active and both of them have their eyes on you. One wishes you well, and the other wishes you dead."
Excerpt of A COURSE IN MIRACLES, Marianne Williamson
"Intellectually, understanding your body, your mind body connection, the physiologies of exercise or the realities of food metabolism mean little if you are addicted.... No matter how smart you are or how much "work you've done on yourself," you alone cannot outsmart the psychic force of compulsion and addiction. If you could, you would have done so by now. For this problem, enchenched and pernicious as it is, you need spiritual forces to help you. For this, you need God."
Marianne Williamson, A Course in Weight Loss
XOXO MICHELLE JOY