Saturday, November 6, 2010


Hi Folks,

How are you all?

As you can imagine since you've heard less from me, i've been struggling and not wanting to bear my daily failures to the world. I thought i would spare you the discomfort of having to hear about it.

Things got a little scary last week when my weight went up to 336. I had been 331 when i called Dr. D.

Inching closer to 350 becomes frightening and when one feels hopeless of gaining control and scared it'll never manifest. There is a certain "inevitable" feeling of doom that just overtakes when one has struggled with their weight and out of control eating their whole life, and one can just "allow" that "inevitable" weight ascent to just happen. At a certain point, you become so disgusted with yourself, you just give up and say, "I'm not worth's not worth saving myself." You've failed so many times before you start to expect it of yourself.

Fortunately, maintaining my raw ties and friendships and my weekly contact with ARnolds Way, (i still work there on Thursdays), i feel like I still have a foot in the door with raw, which was my savior for 3 whole years, and hopeless isn't as hopeless as it used to me. Every Thursday when i go to work, I feel like i'm on a life raft at ARnolds Way. Arnold's is a safe place. It's a place once a week I can return to where people and good, dear friends understand my struggles and encourage and comfort me. Friends like Megan, Dorinda, and Arnold and Tim Radley. I'm so grateful for all of my good friends at Arnolds who constantly offer open hands of support, sound guidance and just loving friendship. I've never had such true intimate FRIENDS. God bless them.

You've heard me talk about my good friend Megan before frequently - - she's the one I call Megabytes that went on a water fast in Hawaii. Well, the dear sweety Megan McDonnell is back from her water fast, doing splendidly and looking like a model for Ford or Elite. I was so happy my Meggy popped into Arnolds on Thursday with her boyfriend, Joey, for a surprise visit and to say Goodbye. Megan and Joey are leaving for Phoenix, Arizona for 6 months, where Joey will be doing a videography job, and Megan will be writing her next raw cookbook and offering vegan food coaching. Her new raw cookbook, "Easy To Be Raw," is flying off the shelves at ARnolds Way. If you'd like a copy, please click here: Megan is a wonderful raw chef and a dear friend. I highly recommend her to anyone who needs support. She's the one who helped me organize my home! She's a very good leader. I love my Megabytes!

Though Megan is leaving, she offered to support me to help me get back on track. We'll keep in contact daily. I'm so very thrilled about it. Megan has been a guiding presence in my life for some time now and we've promised to come together more in a relationship like this for some time. Everybody needs a friend, and I certainly do need one now.

Megan sat down with pen and paper and set up a life plan for me that is first and foremost all VEGAN. Giving up my baked salmon and fried shrimp, fried fish, fried scallops (basically, if you fried your shoe, i'd eat it) is not going to be easy, but I see the value. I did it for 3 years before when i was a raw vegan, and never missed it! It's only when you start eating things again that you miss them. And, i've been ingesting alot of cheese, icecream, butter, milk, sour cream, cottage cheese, yogurt down the gullet. "Doesn't all of the mucous bother you?," she rightly asks. Yes, my bronchitis, predictably, has still been hangin' on after how many weeks? I'm STILL coughing.

Megan said, "There are only TWO things i will yell at you for - if you eat TOO much cooked food, and if it's not VEGAN." She's pretty adamant about the Vegan point and made it clear. In fact, last night, after not eating cheese or fish for only ONE day, my snoring decreased! Ask Cliffy! His ears did not ring as much last night! "You snored much less last night, honey."

(When i ate raw vegan, i stopped snoring COMPLETELY!)

Central to the plan Megan set up for me is fruit. Fruit for breakfast and green smoothies, and fruit for snacks. Fruit for meals if i desire, too.

Lunch is to be a big big big salad, but to fill me up, I'm allowed to put beans on it. Yum! I love canned chick peas. "As much as you want," Megan encouraged. "Really fill yourself up." I see the value in that being a binge eater. I obviously LIKE volume.

On the plan, a few times a week, different meals are allowed to be cooked vegan. Dinner twice a week can be cooked, such as mexican out - but no cheese, no sour cream, or whole wheat pasta with tons of cooked veggies. We also planned in two cooked brunches a week - some kind of a big spinach veggie tofu eggless scramble with toast, or maybe a giant bowl of oatmeal. Megan had fun coming up with so many different inspiring choices. Basically, for my special meals, i can eat what i want, as long as it's VEGAN. That cooked Brunch should start out with fruit in the morning, first, though.

A few times a week an evening snack could be some baked apple or maybe vegan popped corn.

The majority of what i eat should be raw. Raw dinners the rest of the week and big raw salads for lunch daily (with beans if i desire) and the majority of the week green smoothies or plain fruit for breakfast.

Yesterday, my first day, was challenging. I've been binge eating on crap daily for weeks now. Working myself out of that is going to take focus and committment and continueal encouragement and a little time. Above all, i want to make sure I go easy on myself and don't set up any feeling of FAILURE. That usually sends me right into a binge. As long as i can do the best i can and gain support for that, instead of see myself on a "diet," I think there is real hope for this new direction.

Yesterday, this was my day and the note I wrote to Megan -

Hi there Honey poo, my favorite chick, Megaroony, Megabytes,

Well, today went pretty good, but not perfect. Favor to ask: i know we made that fabulous plan. Can we view that as an ideal / a goal that i will work my way into? I think i did not really foresee how difficult it would be to get back on mostly raw, getting used to feeling "empty." Good news, I ended up staying all vegan, thank god, which was work in itself, believe me! I think it will just take a little bit to transition myself into more and more raw. Is that ok? Just staying VEGAN is a struggle!!!!! I ate big amounts today and if i can continue to just switch to healthier foods to fill up on, i will be doing a million percent better just doing THAT. I hope you understand! Rome wasn't built in a day! Is it ok if we view my days as neither black/white good/bad, but making progress? I feel like i can cope with that. Soon making progress will change it's meaning to more and more raw. Today making progress is just not eating cheese and butter and binge eating on crap. I feel like i kinda need to just ease in and get my bearings. I know Joey [Megan's boyfriend] was concerned i'd be eating too much cooked, but honestly, i've been eating so horrendously and bingeing on such fried shit in enormous amounts, that even if i eat cooked all day but change the quality of what i'm eating from cheese to beans, from fried fish to 300 calorie seitan, that alone is actually humongous.

Pre Br: 5 small clementines (hungry!)

Br: 8 bananas

Sn: 2 bananas

Ln: 2 vegan 'fake chicken' seitan packs from whole foods (300 cals each) over dry raw spinach, and assorted shredded raw veggies. Huge meal and enormously satisfying. I didn't eat again for 7 hours.

D: 1 head romaine as salad, 1 can chick peas, a little balsamic vinaigrette, nutritional yeast. This was good but i was hungry in an hour.

Sn: Not sure if i was 'hungry' or just feeling 'empty'. For now, having these big meals feels like a savior. i'm sure i'll work my way to smaller portions. BIG serving oatmeal with raisins and banana.

If i get the munchies again tonight, i'll make a whip.

Cliff's mom is in the hospital now and it was a hectic day!!!

I had 2 glasses of water and may drink some more. i'll have to work a routine where i drink water before meals to fill me!!

Thank you so much for helping me!!! I know today was not perfect, but showed improvement in the right direction, at least towards VEGAN!!! It's a lot to tackle it all at once, you know?

I'm scared, don't yell at me!

xoxo michelle

~ ~ ~

When i woke up this morning and got the confirmation from Cliff that i snored "much less" than the other night (when i had eaten 1/4 lb of cheese and 1/2 tub of yogurt), I felt really encouraged! I was also 332 this morning, which is a move in the right direction, too.

xoxo michelle joy

No comments: