1 cup of homemade vegan vegetable soup with peas, beans, corn, lots of veggies
an entire head of wilted *romaine
1/2 cup of leftover tomato soup
2 slices american flavor rice cheese
* I had such an intense craving for cooked spinach, but i didn't have any and was starving. I didn't have any green smoothie this morning, as i was busy and i don't know what happened to my parsley, it dissappeared!, and I don't like romaine smoothies. I have to go back to the market. So, I just had fruit for breakfast. But since we had plenty of romaine, for lunch, I decided to see what it was like to cook romaine! SPLENDIDLY DELICIOUS! I loved it! It stays a little crispy and crunchy and totally satisfied that yen for cooked greens. I poured the soup over it and smooshed it all together and melted the fake cheese in with it. Sounds totally gross, but in actuality, VERY satisfying, very filling, very yummy, and low fat!
banana/strawberry shake, sweatened with agave
At the Chinese/Japanese restaurant
1 very small avocado roll
1 very small cucumber roll
1 order steamed tofu with mixed vegetable
1Tbsp of the sauce (which i asked for on the side)
1 cup brown rice
1/2 of an orange and a few chunks of pineapple for dessert
baked apple - I used a big Fuji, cut up, with agave, cinnamon, raisins, 1 tsp of vegan butter and a little sprinkle celtic salt. So delish!
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The power of the power to choose.
Binge eating is nothing about choice. It's about compulsion.
It's about eating anything in my line of sight as long as it fills me up and makes me full and is "forbidden" and highly fatty and fattening and sure to make me feel awful about myself. Binge eating occurs usually when i am feeling shame, or bad or confused, or anxious, or deeply upset or worried over something. Binge eating serves as a handy distraction from what is really bothering me in life, what's unfinished in my life, what's unfulfilling in my life. It's a pretty neat trick and an effective way of putting the blinders on. It's also my way of establishing control in my life when life feels out of my control. Binge eating exacerbates when I put myself on deprivation diets and forbid myself from mostly everything in an attempt to regain control.
Binge eating is my way of saying, "I will do what i want. I will listen to myself. I don't care what you think or say. I want it all and I'm going to get it."
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When I worked with Dr. D, there was only bananas, bananas, and bananas. There was no fat - no corn, no nuts, no coconut, no durian. Not even a little. Strictly forbidden! "You've eaten plenty of fat in your life," he chided me. When he allowed me to begin eating any fruit, opening my world, I was left feeling weak and starving and feeling like i wanted to pass out. "8 nectarines? You needed to eat 25 to get satiated," he would sadistically inform me of, afterwards. I felt like he enjoyed my suffering. One day, I didn't feel like eating 25 nectarines. I was so hungry, so miserable, and there was ripe delicious corn at this roadside stand. "F him," I said to myself. So i had a few ears of corn, breaking free of the rules. Ah, delight! My head was all twisted up. Optimum Health Institute used to serve us corn 3x a week! That's how i lost my initial 140 lbs! Now corn is verboten? It tastes good to me. Considering corn forbidden sent me on a binge that never ended until just a few days ago. Fried fish, fried anything, fast food, lots of cheese, icecream, more cheese, more dairy products, more fried fish, fried scallops, fried shrimp, fried cheese, fried, fried, fried. "Dr. D, I gained back 40 lbs in a week, the 40 lbs i lost on one month of bananas. Help me, what do i do?" "Go on a watermelon fast for a month." "What if i fall off again, and gain everything back. Didn't you say it would take me 7-10 years to overcome my binge eating? So, that means i'll keep falling off, right?" "Yes." "So, why can't i just eat a peice of corn, now, instead?" Dr. D would rather see me binge and gain everything back than allow me one peice of corn. I didn't see the logic. Maybe if i ate the one peice of corn, i wouldn't binge.
Megan knew i had been gaining weight, knew I had been suffering, desiring to regain control. But, how, but how to regain control, was MY problem. Everyone had a solution. Megan and I talked many times about her coaching me. I was flitting off in a million directions. It was a tug of war who was going to win to be my coach. Who tugged the hardest. Everyone wanted to help. Susan wrote me a plan where i eat one slice of pizza every Thursday. That never materialized. Arnold suggested 90 days of green smoothies, alone, nothing else. That didn't last too long before i fell into the abyss. That crazy Carlene lady was just plain crazy and made no sense and contridicted herself constantly. "Don't eat ANY sodium!" and in the same breath, "If you go out to eat, order a nice bowl of soup." I asked, "Isn't restaurant soup salty?" I'd caught her off guard. My head was constantly spinning from her shananigans and contradictions. Dr. D soon revoked the open plan of all fruit and attempted to send me to watermelon island. "But i'll be starving all day and have to carry 2o lb igloos around with me to the hospital and back." He wanted me to lose weight even faster. So i could gain it right back. "Just do what i tell you to!" "Sieg Heil!" I lasted 35 days.
Thank GOD, Meggie won out, finally, and her style of counseling is a world apart from the others, and I want to shout "HALLELUJAAH" from the rooftops! Megan is teaching me the power to choose.
I have the choice! I have a giant list of allowed foods which includes:
- ALL raw fruits
- ALL raw vegetables
- ALL raw fats (durian, avo, coconut, nuts, seeds)
- ALL raw dehydrated or processed foods
- ALL cooked VEGAN foods: vegetables, fruits, fats, bread, pasta, beans, rice, pancakes, waffles, wheatmeats, tofu, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc...
- A basic plan of meals and snacks, we're now calling the "slow plan", which includes:
- raw breakfast (smoothies or fruit) on most days with an optional cooked vegan breakfast 2x/week
- Raw fruit snacks for most snacks, with optional gourmet raw snacks (raw pie, baked apple), or cooked vegan snacks a few days a week (oatmeal, etc.)
- Cooked Vegan lunches and dinners, with optional raw lunches and dinners, which will transfer me to the "fast plan"
- Exericse 4x/week and jump on trampoline daily
Regarding the food, Megan said, "You know, really fill yourself up. You can eat BIG amounts as long as it's vegan." Wow, that felt freeing. And since i've begun just a few days ago, my appetite is already diminishing and my portions have gotten smaller. And, I can have icecream, Tofutti! I can have butter, a vegan soy-based tub of golden deliciousness! I can have cheese, soy and cheese! I can have fried food, fried veggie eggrolls!
I went to chinese last night? I didn't even WANT a fried veggie eggroll. I CHOSE NOT TO!
Let's hear from Megan:
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I want you to know that you are doing great! Thank you for listing everything you're eating. There is no reason to feel bad eating this type of food, it is all relative. I want you to feel like you have control, that is why we came up with all the different options. You are ultimately choosing what you want within a range of relatively healthy options that are still going to be delicious and satisfying. It is nice NOT to have a routine that is easy to fall out of, but a wide variety of options within the framework that you can still feel good about picking, even if you don't pick the 100% ideal. I want you to feel like you're in control. We can always "know" what is ideal (banana island), but what is ideal for you right now is a totally different thing. A totally raw diet may not be your ultimate goal. We know it is ideal for everyone one but only when they are ready or maybe they will never be ready. Just keep doing what makes you feel good for now. If you want to, you can view the plan we came up with as more of your fast pace plan and what you are doing now as your slower paced plan. Like you said, you are moving in the right direction and that is what is important. I know you will start feeling better very soon as the weight starts to melt away.
How has your activity level been? Let me know when or if you get in some exercise.
Your are off to a great start Michelle! Keep up the good work and write me anytime you need to. I will try to answer as often as possible.
ps- you are welcome to blog about whatever you want ;) i think its great therapy to write it all out
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Megs, I want to cry. I love you so much. Thank you for hearing me and being my friend. This is what i need [someone who hears me AND is a friend AND this flexibility to choose]. We are going to cure me. I love you. I'm crying. I feel really heard. HUGE HUGS, xoxo michelley
xoxo michelle joy