Monday, November 15, 2010



I had a great conversation with Megan (on Friday, i think it was). God, i miss her. I'm hugging you in cyberspace right now, Megs! I am so freakin' happy she is my coach/friend/email buddy. I'm so freakin' happy. Somehow she knew what i needed. I'm super grateful she agreed to the "slow plan" (2 cooked vegan meals a day). I'm really enjoying it and she's agreeable to it and since it's working, we're all okay with it! Being Vegan again is so cool. Sometimes your friends know better than you do what's best for you. I love Meggy so much. I'm so happy being VEGAN again!!! I LOVE IT! Memorably in a conversation about dairy, she would ask, "Doesn't the mucous bother you?"

YES!!! But, not anymore! And my snoring went from a 10+ to a 4, Cliff said. And he said, "And sometimes you don't snore at all!" I'm content with this amazing reduction in just a week.

During my conversation with Megan, I felt so GOOD because, unlike the asshole Dr. D, Megan was incredibly supportive and is allowing me to control my diet. Somehow writing that feels forbidden. That "I" should be in control of it? Of what i eat? Of how much? And what i choose? ME? Isn't that DANGEROUS??? Megan said she wouldn't yell at me, but encourage me, and that she didn't care if i was raw or not, that it was not important to HER, but that she was thrilled I was eating healthy and feeling good and feeling happy and that the binge thing seems to have....evaporated. Her brand of support feels WONDERFUL.

Megan asked about the binge eating, "Why do you think it's stopped?"

I think there are alot of reasons.

1) I think I'm finally eating enough to fill me, so i don't NEED to FILL MYSELF OUTSIDE of my plan, i'm doing it INSIDE of my plan! And Megan is to thank for really steering me in that volume direction. "Fill yourself up," she said. You have no idea how profound those words were to a binge eater. You mean i'm A L L O W E D to fill myself up?????????????????? Finally accepting the fact that i have a large appetite feels like finally finding out I have a good voice. It's like, "DUH!" With high fiber low fat, i can make a GIANT plate of food with TONS of veggies on it, and then lose 2 lbs.

2) I also think the VEgan plan has ALOT to do with it on many levels. For one, there is such a WIDE VARIETY of foods to choose from. I feel ZERO, ZERO, ZERO deprivation. Fake hotdogs, fake chicken salad, fake tuna, etc. etc. etc. I can basically eat anything I want.

3) VEgan protein sources like TVP and seitan and wheatmeat seem so much lower in calories than other protein sources. This is astonishing me. You can really FILL UP for little calories.

4) Vegan foods don't seem nearly as addictive as cheese and shrimp, for example. I've lost that intense DRIVE~!

5) Having Meggie's support means the world to me. I write her these LONG LONG emails...and she actually READS them!!! I'm giddy with delight!!! She asked, "Does it help you to write daily and write out your feelings and your food?" I exclaimed, "YES, I LOVE IT!" "Great!," she said, "I think it's therapeutic for you! Write as much as you want!"

6) I have a basic plan that i follow: fruit and smoothies for breakfast and snacks; vegan cooked lunch (or brunch) and dinner; exercise. Having a plan feels comforting and confining in a GOOD way, like a seatbelt does in the car, and keeps me on track. I delay gratification in the morning and at snack times, which is a good practice, but eat what i want in my cooked vegan lowfat meals.

7) I have PLENTY of leeway in my plan. I don't feel like it's a "diet" because I can eat a veggie eggroll and rice dream and a bagel, so it's not only variety I have, but I can eat high fat foods in moderation, too. I'm kind of just using common sense.

8) I follow the guidelines of HUNGER and FULLNESS and eat until i'm SATISFIED. (Eating until I'm satisfied is HUGE. I accept that i have a big appetite). Waiting to eat until I'm hungry ensures I thoroughly ENJOY my food. And eating slowly and SAVORING is another ticket to success. Basically, eating large volume meals and snacks on a consistent plan keeps me full until the next snack or meal, so I never need to binge.

9) I write about my emotions, talk about them, and stay in touch with what's bothering me, with how i feel.

10) I'm exercising again, daily, and enjoying it!

11) All of the fruit and green smoothies...are ALKELIZING, balancing me, taking away that "compulsive" feeling completely!!!

So i have support, I'm exercising, the food is low cal, I feel totally uncompulsive, I pay attention to how i feel, emotionally and hungerwise, I'm full when i'm done eating, there is plenty of variety, I get to go out to eat almost anywhere, and I don't feel deprived in the slightest! I suppose this all leads to success!

When i feel hungry, i'm learning to value it, address it.

For example, When i was eating the fake chicken salad tonight, i SWORE it was FATTENING, it was SOOOO good. So i served myself 1/2 of the little tub. After my sandwhich, i still felt hungry, and kinda made myself feel BAD for that. Like, 'you're such a pig, you ate 1/2 of that fattening container and a normal amount of whole wheat baguette, and you still feel hungry. What's wrong with you?' THEN, i looked on the fake chicken salad container and saw how low cal that stuff really was - i had to read it three times! What? (shock and amazement!) 175 cals for the entire container of the fake chicken salad? I also realized all of the activity I did today and that being HUNGRY would be NORMAL after all of that, which i WAS, so I finished the container, guiltlessly!!! It filled me up and that was that!! No nagging hunger pangs in an hour. Under different circumstances, i could EASILY have binged, not realizing I was just HUNGRY and hadn't eaten enough calories to sustain fullness. Normal people feel hungry and eat. Food obsessed people get all screwed up, depriving themselves and then binge eating or denying their hunger or feeling guilty about being hungry or fearful about it.

No, this is much better. I'm learning to TRUST my hunger. Every time I trust it and eat, following my guidelines, and then get on the scale and lose, I realize it's OK to eat when I'm hungry and fill myself up.

~ ~ ~

Dear Megan,

STatus quo around here. I'm super enjoying my plan, feeling fine and fancy free. I thought i would gain weight after yesterdays fake chicken salad, but nope! this seems to be working! I hope it's okay i'm checking my weight often. it seems to help me mentally cope with how i'm doing. i can easily feel like i'm fucking up, and then i weigh myself and i'm like, nope, you're doing GREAT! So far, weighing frequently hasn't caused problems or caused me to feel badly. it's been the feedback that i need that says, "keep on doing what you're doing!" so far it's working. when it becomes an issue, we can look at it.

Anyhoo, today was a boring day at Chez schulman with my mom.

It's quite early, so i'll probably have a snack later, most likely a banana berry smoothie, my favorite, but here's my food for today.

2 pears
3 glasses green smoothie - spinach, banana, pear, agave. (used 3 bananas and 1/2 pear)

1 apple

A wrap! What a delight!
1 small whole wheat wrap, 200 cals
3 Tofu dogs, 80 cals each
lots of romaine, tomato, onion
ketchup, mustard, 1 tbsp vegenaise
4 low sodium, low fat puffed rice/corn treats, 17 cals each

Exercise: walk alone 20 mins; walk with mom for 25 mins

Dinner: hungry!
2 bowls homemade butternut squash soup

I used water as the base. I added two containers of the precut butternut squash, a 1/2 onion shredded, cut up 3 carrots in it and celtic salt and pepper. I let this cook a while until the squash broke down. I then added a small shredded cabbage, 1 head of broccoli chopped, 3/4 cup soymilk, 2 Tbsp vegan
butter, adjusted the celtic salt, added agave for sweetness, thyme, cumin, marjoram, cinnamon, chili powder, garlic powder, more black pepper and let it cook another 20 mins. DELISH, kind of middle eastern tasting! This made enough for about 6 bowls. Super yum! I added a nice handful of fresh baby leaf spinach, raw, to each bowl. The heat of the soup wilted it and added more texture and fiber.
1 small piece whole grain baguette with 1 Tbsp vegan butter
3/4 cup rice dream
1 vegan chocolate - these were expensive, 10$ for 9 pieces, but pretty good!

pineapple smoothie - banana/pineapple/agave/1 tsp tofutti cream cheese in it for creaminess, yum!
1 apple - later when i was hungry.

I get kind of freaked out that i'm eating SO much but then i sort of count calories, i realize, it's not much! 600 cals for breakfast and snacks, 200 for the wrap, about 240 for the tofu dogs, 80 for the vegenaise (so far that's 1100 cals for breakfast and lunch.) If i eat another thousand for dinner and a few hundred for snack, i'm kind of on target with 2200-2500 cals. For dinner tonight i seriously doubt i ate 1000 cals even with rice dream and a piece of chocolate. The soup, which had some added fat, was overall very low fat because it was a BIG pot and over so many servings, each serving is then negligable in fat. No wonder why i feel like "heck, i want a piece of bread with my soup...and you know what? i'm putting vegan butter on it, and some dessert would be nice too.) I am learning to trust these instincts now, because if i don't, i end up binge eating later, because i denied myself. Feeling entitled to eating an enjoyable meal is a kind of a new free feeling. I'm going with it and trusting it and following my hunger and cravings and hoping that it is working. i think it is. i'll check tomorrow again to see if i gained or if i'm the same or if i lost! xoxo michelle

xoxo michelle joy

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